A Rundown Of All The Performers At Trump's Inauguration

So Doomsday the inauguration is only a few days away, and Trump is having more trouble finding performers for it than LiLo had staying sober. Not that we would know what it feels like, but we imagine it’s something like everyone telling you they’re sick the day of your birthday party. Trump went from wanting to throw a Spring-Break-in-Miami-level bash to calling it a “soft sensuality” because nobody wanted to attend. We know an embarrassing number of artists have refused to perform such as Céline Dion, Elton John, Garth Brooks, and even Charlotte Church, but who’s clicked “attending” on this shitshow? It’s hard to keep track because everyday something terrible happens, but here’s the list of who’s confirmed to perform thus far for the inauguration day and concert the night before.

3 Doors Down

A band that our older brothers listened to in third grade is performing at the inauguration, which tells us that they had to go back in time just to get someone willing to perform. We vaguely remember listening to them on the radio but we never lined up for tickets. We liked that “Kryptonite” song, but we can’t imagine they were a first choice.

3 Doors Down

Mormon Tabernacle Choir

This is probably the most famous group on this lineup, tbh, which kind of says a lot. A choir of 350+ members is convenient because even if 90% of them decide to skip out they’ll probably have enough voices to cover every part. Apparently one member did quit after finding out about the gig, saying “I only know I could never ‘throw roses to Hitler.’ And I certainly could never sing for him.”


Toby Keith

I mean, this isn’t that surprising for us, considering his music is very Americana. He is only performing at the concert the night before, which isn’t necessarily better, but at least it’s not as much of an endorsement. When fans got angry, he did say “I don’t apologize for performing for our country or military… I performed at events for previous presidents [George W.] Bush and [Barack] Obama and over 200 shows in Iraq and Afghanistan for the USO.” But like, c’mon Toby. We all know this shit’s not the same.

Jackie Evancho

She’s sixteen so we can’t imagine this was her decision. She was a former contestant on America’s Got Talent.

Jackie Evancho

The Rockettes

When the Rockettes were asked to perform, several of them showed outrage online individually. But then their bosses emailed them threatening them that if they didn’t perform they would be kicked off the team. But then other reports said that none of them are actually being forced to perform, and it’s their choice. So, we’re confused.


Talledega Marching Tornadoes

If you know a bro has asked out 10 of your sisters to formal and they’ve all said no, you don’t say yes when he asks you. The Talledega Marching Tornadoes is more like if Trump asked 80 people and they all said no.

There might be a few more added in the next few days, and we wouldn’t be surprised if Tiffany Trump got a spot in there as well. Honestly, we hope she does, can you imagine? If Trump is dealing with this inauguration the same way he dealt with his press conference, we can expect he’ll pay audience members to cheer for him.