If you’re reading this, congratulations. Somewhere in the horrifying shit show of modern dating, you found a guy you actually like enough to hang out with sober call your boyfriend. That being said, it definitely sucked when you realized this relationship stuff doesn’t automatically turn you into a “people person”—meaning that your boyfriend, like 99% of the population, definitely has some habits that make you want to rip his fucking throat out destroy his credit score seriously reconsider the whole monogamy thing.
While past me would have advised you to dump any guy who seems a little too happy to let you pay, or is emotionally attached to his video games, I’ve recently realized that there can be some really great stuff hiding behind this idiot boy behavior. And if Angelina Jolie can get Brad Pitt to stop drinking, you can definitely change those 759 two or three things that bug you about your guy. Here’s what I’ve found works:
1. Focus On ONE Habit
I know, I know—how will you choose between smashing his PS4 and blocking half his Insta feed??! A modern day Sophie’s Choice, my friends. But honestly, boys are kind of stupid and there’s a fine line between making six tiny suggestions at once and being the “crazy ex” who was “impossible to please.” If you focus on one thing at a time, it’s much harder for him to turn around and call you demanding. If anything, he just looks weak for not being able to accommodate your super simple request. (Side note: calling him weak at this point is not effective. Just heavily imply it.)
2. Don’t Expect Him To Read Your Mind
Case in point: maybe two months into dating my boyfriend, and in a pretty naked compromising situation, I suddenly half-yelled, “so do you just HATE giving head?” While the bewilderment/fear on my boyfriend’s face was pretty fucking funny, this was poorly thought out for a couple reasons. If my boyfriend didn’t have the patience required to date me supernatural levels of chill, this would’ve turned into an extensive conversation about how exactly he was supposed to know I had an issue in the first place, rather than the issue itself. Do yourself a favor and bring this shit up early.
3. Use “I Feel” Statements
Hear me out. I know this is a staple of every suicide how-to guide self-help book, but this is legit helpful for avoiding the kind of conversation I was just describing. Like, rather than telling your boyfriend “you never do anything to make me feel special” and having him list off every date he’s ever planned, be specific and give him something he can’t argue with. Instead of snapping “you don’t compliment me enough,” maybe go for a wide-eyed “I don’t even really know if you think I’m pretty sometimes.” If he tries to call you out for being manipulative, then TBH you’re not a good enough liar.
4. Blow Jobs
If all else fails Before anything else fails, maybe take advantage of the fact that you hold the keys to the thing guys want more than literally anything else. You can use it explicitly (e.g. “hey babe if you pick up food on the way home and clean your room before I get there…”) or keep it your own little secret (every time he listens patiently and agrees that Karen from work sounds like a scheming bitch, commence blowjob sequence), but this is a very effective reward system that your boyfriend is basically guaranteed to get on board with. Slight warning if you go for the “subtle” approach: remember again that boys are dumb and you may have to eventually clue him in. Otherwise, he might just start getting a confusion boner every time you mention work nemesis Karen, and you definitely don’t want him to try and figure that one out on his own.
If these tips don’t work, just remember that you probably give shit blow jobs every guy is different. Don’t give up, and happy training!