One of the saddest parts of becoming an adult is realizing that all your hard-earned money goes directly to bills and gifts for other people. Do not pass go. Do not use that $200 to buy yourself something nice. Why should I spend all my money on my friends’ weddings? It’s not like they’re chipping in for my therapy bills when yet another date goes awry. Talk about a one-sided relationship!
There’s got to be some other way. And there is! It’s called simply not having any friends past the age of 25. That way, you don’t have to portion out every single paycheck to ensure you have enough money for Kayleigh’s housewarming gift and Jessica’s bridal shower gift (which seems slightly unnecessary, given the engagement gift you already got her, not to mention her forthcoming wedding gift, which, by the way, you’re flying from out of state for) and Jenna’s baby shower gift, and, oh yeah, the roof over your head.
With these tried-and-true strategies, you won’t have any friends left to buy gifts for. Now you can actually spend your money on the person who deserves it most: you!
Always Show Up Late To Everything
Is there anything worse than being forced to wait around awkwardly because your friend failed to show up at the agreed-upon time, and now the hostess is looking at you with pity because she thinks you’ve been stood up? No! And can you imagine, people used to wait around awkwardly without phones? I shudder at the thought. Anyway, one easy way to lose friends is to consistently be late—and I’m not talking about a respectable 5-10 minutes. You want to be so late that people start lying to you about what time various events start, and even then you’re still strolling in after the start time. Say it with me: Time is a construct and reservations are merely a suggestion.
Leave Early With A Dumb Excuse
The equally evil counterpart to the person who can never show up on time is the person who leaves early because of some half-baked excuse that boils down to “I’ve got somewhere better to be.” So why not expedite the process of friendlessness and be both people at the same time? This requires a certain level of finesse to pull off, because if you play your cards wrong, instead of being the friend who never wants to be there, you’ll cast yourself as the mysterious, aloof friend who does nebulous cool things. Which is why you need to make it clear that, when you inevitably Irish exit after gracing the group with your presence for no more than 45 minutes, you are doing so in favor of something objectively worse than what you’re currently doing. Some examples include: watering your plant, a “dusting emergency”, wanting to be home in time to place your Seamless order (for the following day). The goal is to make your friends ask each other in the group chat after you’ve unceremoniously left, “does she even want to be here?” Once they realize you can’t even get over yourself long enough to sit through a “congrats on your new job” happy hour, there’s no way anyone’s wasting the money or spot on a wedding invitation.
Bring Everything Back To Your Significant Other
You might be reaching a point in your life where a lot of your friends have significant others and fiancés. This will make the threshold for annoyance higher, since your friends all likely bring everything back to their S.O.s, to an extent. So the question is, how far can you push the extent? It’s time to get inventive and think outside the box. Ordering eggs Benedict at brunch and remarking that your boyfriend’s favorite brunch dish is eggs benny? That’s amateur hour. Look around you. Does the waiter’s jawline remind you of your beloved Kevin’s? That’s a good place to start. Are the walls painted his favorite color? (So his favorite color is beige? That’s weird.) Perfect.
If you don’t have a significant other, don’t fret. In fact, it works even more to your advantage. Turn every conversation point back to your dog—or, better yet, your plant. For maximum impact, you’ll want to refer to said pet or plant by name, and only through multiple rounds of questioning, reveal that Teddy is, in fact, your ficus. If your dwelling is completely devoid of any living thing (respect), your only choice is to redirect all topics of conversation to your astrology app.
Don’t Forget To Take Way Too Many Inappropriate Instagrams
It goes without saying that at any given group meal, you must force everyone to hold off from taking a single bite for as long as humanly possible while you treat the restaurant like your personal jungle gym in pursuit of getting the “perfect shot” that you aren’t going to post anyway. But we’re not just talking restaurant outings. If you really push yourself, any gathering can become a photo opp—the more socially inept, the better. Like, yes, I know this is technically your late aunt’s shiva call, but the lighting here is unreal.
Never Offer To Cover The Bill
This part is key. Odds are, if you’re friends with people you know and trust (basically the definition of a friend, I hope), you probably all take turns covering the bill. When your turn comes, have an absurd and not-at-all-plausible excuse at the ready:
“Teddy ate my wallet.”
“I put all my money into Dogecoin.”
“I was carrying a magnet in my purse that destroyed the strip on my credit card. (Yes, I really do carry around a magnet. I legally can’t say for what.)”
“My WiFi is out.” (No further explanation.)
Venmo Request Everything
Going hand in hand with having the kind of relationship where everyone takes turns paying for each other is the unspoken agreement that nobody is going to be that friend. You know the one. The friend who nickels and dimes everyone over the most minute purchases. Yes I do care that your drink was $1.50 more than mine. No, it’s not good enough to just have you pay more in tip. Brush up on your math skills, because you’re going to have to do some minute division. I’m talking down to the pennies.
By practicing these tips, you’re guaranteed to be so insufferable that nobody will want you present at any significant life events. You’ll never look at another registry again. Congrats to you!
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