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Dear Roomie, Here’s How To Not Make My Life A Living Hell <3

Hi bestie,

I am SO excited for you to come back from your third visit to Martha’s Vineyard this summer and for us to be roomies again! Wifeys reunited!

I have missed our get ready sessions, listening to Beyoncé as you use my full-length mirror to do your makeup (get your own, girlie heehee)! Soon we’ll be back to normal, with midnight trips to Target, hungover debriefs over brunch, and hot girl walks to Starbucks. This is going to be amaze-balls!

Before you come back, I just wanted to send over a couple of quick, little thoughts I had for our new year of living together. It’s been sooo fun, but maybe with a few tiny tweaks, it could be even better! Let me know if anything doesn’t quite feel right for you, or maybe just wait a little and let it really sink in. ❤️

Love you, queen!!

1. Don’t use our pasta pot to clean your Diva cup

Eco-friendly girlie, I love to see it! Boo me and my wasteful tampons, right?

But if you wouldn’t mind perhaps not using my Le Creuset to boil your Diva cup, I’d really appreciate it. So crazy, I didn’t even know you were doing this until you left it soaking one day and I got a lovely surprise rather than the carbonara I expected to see. 

Maybe we could have a pot dedicated to your Diva cup? And maybe you could not leave it there for days at a time? Just an idea!

2. Invest in a silent vibrator

Babes, I’m all for you getting your jollies. In fact, you’re even nicer when you’ve cranked out a big O or two. But please get a Satisfyer Pro or some other vibrator that doesn’t look like it could’ve been featured in Sex and the City (series not movies) and doesn’t cause our shared wall to shake.

It already short-circuited our apartment once, and I’m genuinely worried for your health with this one! 

3. Don’t leave your hair on the shower wall

I know you switched to an Art major when you missed too many Psych classes, but this isn’t what I’d call art! 

I’d really love it if you could maybe, possibly, let your hair flush down the shower drain and clog it like the rest of us. Or just take a moment to collect your little art project at the end of your shower and IDK, do something crazy like… throw it away! ❤️ I don’t want my relaxing everything shower to include puzzling out which body part this hair came from.

And when the shower does clog, would you mind helping perhaps? You seem to treat it like your own personal foam party and I’m often stuck handling a Noah’s Ark-level flood on my own. No biggie, girlie pop! 

4. Keep your paws off the Olaplex

I totally respect that you prefer not to spend money on hair care, and drugstore shampoo is clearly working for you! But I spent a lot of my hard-earned money on purchasing the entire Olaplex collection, and I’d appreciate it if the bottles lasted more than three days.  

Before you deny it (again lol), I’ve been taking photos of the bottle every day and have some cute little shots of it before and after you take your daily shower. It’s TOTALLY NBD, but like, maybe don’t touch it ever again, okay?? And while we’re at it, maybe buy your own shaving cream and loofah. Totally happy to share the water, but if I ever see your leg hair in my razor blades one more time, I’m gonna light this house on fire! LOL! 

5. Stop inviting your theater friends over

I hate to be the one to break this to you, bestie, I really do, but none of you can sing. I don’t know how you got cast in Oklahoma! in college, haha, but I’m starting to suspect you poisoned the other candidates. If I have to hear you attempt a song from Hamilton at 3am one more time, I’ll go full Aaron Burr on your ass. ⭐😝

Kristen (you know, my 22-year-old therapist) said I need to just tell you that this is my boundary and you need to respect it. And she agrees that you should finally admit to your friend, Kyle, that he looks nothing like Timothée Chalamet and no, it wouldn’t be funny to dress up as Laurie for Halloween, even if you go as Jo. So glad I got this off my chest!! 

6. Don’t forget your dishes

As much fun as it is to play Jenga with our dishes, I’m getting a little tired of it. You don’t have to use 10 different bowls cooking the same Gigi Hadid penne vodka recipe, but you do, so at least clean them up afterward. 

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If this doesn’t change, I’m going to have to insist we have different plates and glasses, and mark them accordingly. And I’ll definitely be keeping those pink champagne glasses from Target, as I only gave them to you on your last birthday and I’m always the one to wash them. Hope you understand! 

7. Don’t message me every time you’ve cleaned something

Sooo I get the feeling that cleaning isn’t your thing, but *somehow* you find the time to do the funniest little tasks! Like, we both know the toilet is growing its own ecosystem, but instead of scrubbing it, you decide it’s more important to color coordinate all the bottles in our bathroom cupboard. 

What’s even more adorable is how you send me a photo every single time you do something like this. I absolutely wish I had a medal to give you every time you test a baking soda hack on our washing machine or fluff the pillows when I’m in the middle of scrubbing your red wine stains out of the carpet or throwing out the 15 moldy water bottles by your bedside, but unfortunately I don’t. (Speaking of, I’m still waiting for you to Venmo me your half of our new washing machine, lol!) 

8. Don’t say “slay” more than five times a week

I want to first and foremost apologize for ever introducing you to that word in the first place. I should have never got you onto TikTok. I regret this immensely. 

But for all that is good in the world, I need you to stop saying “slay” in response to everything.

If I tell you what time I’ll be home or what I’m doing this weekend, just IDK, say something normal like “alright” or “cool.” I almost miss the days when you’d just mention you were a Hufflepuff in every other sentence or respond “K” to my text every five days. 

9. Don’t buy any more plants

Buying plants does not mean you have your life together. Especially when I have to throw out a plant corpse each week. You don’t have a green thumb, you have 10 fingers of death, and I wish you’d just accept it.

Some people aren’t made to have plants. Get a fake plant from Target or just opt for flowers that are supposed to die within a week anyway. 

The cactuses don’t want you either, so stop murdering them all.

10. Knock before entering my bedroom

I know you’re super cool with your body and I love that for you! Free the nipple, girl, yaaas. But I’d personally rather have trousers on before you enter my room, especially as you like commenting on what you see. (I heard you telling your Mom on the phone that you’re thinking of asking for a landing strip on your next wax as it “looks so good” on me. Thank you for that!!) 

My boss also told me on our last Zoom call that if you “Winnie the Pooh” past my screen one more time, I’m “going to have my WFH privileges revoked.” So maybe just knock next time, okay? 

Sooo glad I could get that off my chest and we could just hash it all out! Positive vibes only now, right? Let me know what time your flight lands, I’ll have cocktails and a girl dinner ready to go! 

Love you!! Ps. I’ll send ANOTHER reminder about the Venmos you owe me!! xoxo 

Your Reluctant Roommate

Fleurine Tideman
Fleurine Tideman
Fleurine Tideman, a European-based copywriter. She’s interesting (cause she’s from Europe), speaks multiple languages (again, she's from Europe), and is mentally unhinged (despite socialized healthcare). You can find her European musings on Twitter @ByFleurine and her blog, Symptoms of Living, both of which are written to the sounds of unhinged Taylor Swift playlists.