Celeb breakups, so hot right now! But that doesn’t mean you, mere mortal, can’t get in on the trend, too. Celebrities have a tried-and-true formula for breaking up that can still be adapted for everyday life. Sure, you don’t have the paps on speed dial or access to the pens at Us Weekly, but you can harness the power of social media for evil — aka looking hot, cool, and available. Keep reading for how to break up like a pro.
Step 1: Beat Them to the Punch
Better to be the dumper and not the dump-ee, ba-by! If you want to truly break up like a celeb, you need to practice good PR 101: Always be in control of the narrative. If you end things, you can get ahead of the press cycle and start forming your angles. Alex didn’t leave you because you can’t stop starting sentences with “my therapist said…”, you left him because of his crippling commitment-phobia and weird attachment to his mom.
When people ask you why you didn’t work out, start peppering in the phrase “Oedipus Complex” here and there and sell that story!
If their greatest sin was being boring, or worse, the sexual chemistry was ultimately lacking, no need to do them dirty. A simple, “We wanted different things!” will suffice when explaining the breakup to others. Keep it vague, appear unfazed, and move on to step two.
Step 2: Scrub the Grid
Destroy the evidence! Celebs do a good job of making it seem like their former lover never existed. They make you forget that they once captioned a photo of them with: “My amazing gorgeous life Valentine. My Queen. I love you.” You can do the same by following their formula, complete with the ultimate petty cherry on top. Delete all the photos of you together and then, and this is key, post a BOMB photo of yourself. A selfie is good, a candid is better. Look carefree and la di da!
That way, when the breakup does go public (read: your loudest friend talks to you on the phone about it on public transport), the first thing everyone sees is you looking hot and happy. Which leads me to…
Step 3: Issue a Public Statement
Before they even have the opportunity to alert the press, round up the troops, and hit the clerb to search for their next
victim boo thang, get ahead of them and issue a public statement. This is why it’s crucial to be the dumper so that when your mom asks questions like, “Whatever happened to Dani?” you have the upper hand of saying you dumped her. You see, this is because your mom is kinda like Page Six: always up in people’s business and yet doesn’t really have the details correct. But when she issues *Breaking News* to the masses (your family, her dry cleaner, Facebook), people will generally take the gist of what she repeats as gospel. Make sure she can frame you as the “winner” of the relationship.
Step 4: Be Seen “Stepping Out”
Let the breakup marinate and wash over the masses. There will be shock! There will be questions! There will be rumors! But don’t wait too long, because you’ve gotta keep your stock up and all 343 of your followers wondering, “What will she do next?”
The “step out” is what’s next. Jeremy Allen White is an excellent example of this. In wake of his split from wife of three years and high school sweetheart, Addison Timlin, he’s been spotted on shirtless jogs throughout the hills of Hollywood, like he’s auditioning for a live-action Hercules. And he recently upped the ante by packing on the PDA with model/actress/aggressively hot person Ashley Moore.
The step out is very simple, but very strategic for us Normals. Essentially, if you leave the house, make sure you look good. Are you secretly wallowing, barely leaving the bed, and currently on a first name basis with your bagel delivery guy, post-breakup? Keep that between you and your 300 thread count.
Inwardly, feel free to start re-reading your journals from the sixth grade and unearthing your Polly Pocket collection (just don’t cut bangs!!!) Outwardly? Your new job is being Hot, Cool, and Mysterious. Get a (professional!) new dye job, hang with your gang, reinvent, and make your therapist proud. Alex didn’t know what they were talking about.