Celebrities, they’re just like us. They go for (very) hot girl walks, they get drunk at parties (or the VMAs), and they slide into people’s DMs with the same subtlety as a brick to the face.
Even celebrities as smoking hot as Kelsea Ballerini have led with this flirting tactic, as she recently revealed. To celebrate her boyfriend’s 30th birthday, Kelsea shared a screenshot of the first messages she exchanged with Chase Stokes. It’s a tale as old as time, a classic slide into the DMs at 1am.
If it worked for Kelsea, why wouldn’t it work for the rest of us? I see no other differences between us and her, except that we’re not taking the leap of faith into celeb’s DMs. So here is everything you need to know to successfully nosedive into a celeb’s private messages. You’re welcome xoxo.
1. Get blue check verified
Okay, the first hurdle is definitely the most difficult. But you’ve got to understand that while celebs may LOOK like us (if we had that much money to spend on our appearance), they’re not actually like us. They need a way to keep out the riffraff, and that barbed wire fence is called blue tick verification.
Without this symbol of approval, you’ll end up in their spam. They’ll glance at your check-less name in their inbox and think, “Ew, who is this rando?”
But don’t fret, it’s easier than ever to get blue check verified. On Twitter (SORRY *X), you can just pay to be included in this exclusive club. It’s only a matter of time before the same can be said of Instagram, the home of the slutty DM slide.
Until then, just build up a huge Instagram following and you can easily get verified. Take inspiration from Emily in Paris and share blurry selfies and photos of a single croissant — easy!
2. Align your schedule
A key component of the DM dive is that it must occur within the hours that Cinderella would be a pumpkin, or however the tale goes. You can’t catch them at their most sober and lucid moments, as then they’ll likely reject your proposition. You need to get them in the twilight hours when absolutely anything could happen, including them falling for an absolute stranger who is randomly contacting them.
To do this, you’ll need to align your schedule. Pull out the same FBI skills that allowed you to find your exes new girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend’s aunt. Find out what time zone they’re in, what their schedules looks like, what their party habits are like.
For example, are they currently filming in New Zealand? Are they posting lots of photos from clubs? Are they posting 6am workout selfies?
This is the vital information you need to coordinate your attack.
3. Inject just enough syllables into your greeting
First impressions are everything, and in this case, it’s all about that greeting.
If you thought you’d start your message with a three letter “heyyy,” take a cold, hard look in the mirror. And if you were actually going to take the time to spell out a full “hello,” leave this article right now. You’re beyond my help.
The perfect greeting is an art form. It’s as precise as poetry. It’s also subjective, as it really needs to fit who you are and what you represent.
For me, it’s “heeey.” I find that the triple e perfectly sums up my shy yet cheeky personality. It’s the equivalent to lowering your head and blinking through thick, fake eyelashes. But I know women who can seamlessly pull off four e’s, with a risky “heeeey.” That works well for them, but I don’t know if I have the audacity for that.
Alternatively, you could use the same syllables but go for a “hiii,” in that case I really wouldn’t extend it past three i’s.
Practice your greeting on some non-famous people to get it just right. NO CAPITALS!!! NOT EVEN TO START A SENTENCE. Get your middle school English teacher and their grammar rules out of your head.
4. Address them by their first name
Look, I totally studied psychology, so believe me when I say that you should always go for the first name. It’ll trick them into thinking they already know you and create this intimate bond between the two of you. Feel free to even throw in a nickname, like instead of addressing him as Harry Styles the Sex God, say “heeey Hazza!”
Also introduce yourself with your first name or a cute little nickname. Notice how Kelsea introduced herself as “kels.” It’s short and adorable, and he already knows who she is. You want to create that effect, as if they should already know you.
So when I finally work up the courage to contact Stacy from Love is Blind, my message will look something like “heeey stace, it’s fleur!”
It can’t fail.
5. NEVER mention their work
THEY’RE JUST LIKE US, so don’t mention their work. You don’t want to look like some crazy superfan who is stalking them. Remember in all those One Direction fan fictions, that they’d always go for the girl who looked uninterested in their concert, reading in a corner? That could be you.
You need to pretend that you didn’t even know they were a celebrity. You just thought they were kinda cute *insert Debby Ryan smirk*.
You’ve never seen their films. You’ve never listened to their music. You’re just a cool girlie reaching out.
So I’d be like The Hunger Games, what is that, Josh???
Or ermmm Reneè Rapp, I don’t think I’ve heard your music before or watched The Sex Lives of College Girls, nope, not me, I’m just into alternative stuff.
6. One emoji maximum
Celebs don’t have time to go trekking through all the available emojis. Notice how they’ll always go for a simple heart, flame or smiley (with cheeks, they’re not a psychopath). We need to emulate the same energy, so limit yourself to one emoji in your message.
Now our girl, Kels (can we call you that too?), went for the little smug smiley, as to be expected. But we’re not a Grammy award-winning singer (yet, you’ll agree if you’ve heard my shower performance of Hamilton), so we need to seize this opportunity to go for something a little different.
This is your chance to stand out from the crowd. Personally I’m loving the ghost emoji, but only if it’s not within a two month radius of Halloween. Alternatively, a sassy shrug girl is very fun, but only if the celeb is above the age of 28, and thus a fellow Millennial.
My go-to is a cowboy emoji. It’s random but sexy, as we all know what a cowboy makes us think of. It’s a subtle way of saying I’m a freak in the sheets, and a quirky little girlie. All in one emoji. You need your emoji to do the talking, because…
7. Short but sweet
If they don’t have time for emojis, they don’t have time to listen to your entire life story. A long message could easily look like some plea for attention or desperate fan message. Remember you’re the sexy stranger who stumbled across their profile, like an alien who just arrived to Earth and has no idea that they’re anyone of importance. (If it goes well, that’s a role play idea right there!)
So keep it short. You’ve got your “heeey,” your little intro, and then wait for them to reply. Don’t dive into an explanation for your message, as you need to pique their interest. They need to wonder why you’re messaging them.When they get back to you (as they most certainly will), you can mention that you like their photos, or that you think they’re kinda cute, I guess. Play it ice cool and keep them at an arm’s length. Before you know it, they’ll be treating you like you’re the celeb they’re desperate to jump into bed with. Voila!