Last night was the VMAs, which means it was time for the biggest stars in music to inexplicably mingle with every rando who’s ever been on an MTV show. Where else can you see Taylor Swift and the host of Teen Mom 2? Honestly, I had no idea Teen Mom 2 even had a host, but that’s not why we’re here. We’re here to talk about the looks on the red carpet.

The VMAs are basically a free-for-all when it comes to dress code, so it’s pretty tough to really mess it up. This isn’t the Oscars, so the assignment is pretty much to just not be boring. Most people last night didn’t look too bad, but not everyone knocked it out of the park. Here’s our rundown of the best, worst, and wildest looks from the VMAs red carpet, so you don’t have to dig through Instagram to see what everyone was wearing.

Tana Mongeau

Our Thirst-master in Chief Tana showed up with a snake wrapped around her shoulders, and I’m thoroughly unimpressed. I don’t really want to see Tana doing anything, and certainly not ripping off one of the most iconic Britney Spears moments in history. I guess at least the snake was a better date than Jake Paul, so there’s that.

Jonathan Van Ness

JVN looks like when my Aunt Nancy had her midlife crisis in the middle of our family trip to Florida, but whatever works I guess? He’s dressed like he came straight to the beach, and frankly I’m disappointed. I expect more!!

Camila Cabello

Camila looks like a college freshman who got lost on the way to a toga party. We’ve all been there, but this is a little rough for the VMAs. I guess she was too busy with her PR relationship with Shawn Mendes to plan a more exciting outfit.

Gianna Ferazi

IDK who this is, but she clearly took a wrong turn out of Wet Seal and ended up at the VMAs. I already wasn’t feeling this cheap look, but then I realized that she is wearing a Kendall + Kylie sports bra. UM, YOU ARE AT THE VMAs. I know this is a casual event, but I should not be able to find your outfit at my local Pacsun.

Nikita Dragun

Having three shirtless guys chained to me is literally the definition of Hot Girl Summer, so I’m here for it. This is a fun twist on when Snoop Dogg had women on leashes at the VMAs like 15 years ago, which definitely wouldn’t go over well today. Some people were mad about this, but I’m sure these dudes were paid for their time. A job is a job!

Whitney Port

Last year, the entire Hills cast was at the VMAs to announce the reboot, but I guess this year only Whitney had to go. She probably didn’t want to be there, but this dress is literally so lame. Like, don’t even come if you’re not going to try. 

Taylor Swift

Taylor looked great last night, and MTV obviously told her she would be winning the biggest awards so she would actually show up. Versace is a good fit for the fun phase that she’s in, and I’m excited for the era of Taylor wearing power suits to every single award show.

Normani

Normani is f*cking stunning, and her Little-Mermaid-washed-up-on-the-beach couture is giving me everything I need. Literally every gay man I follow on Instagram reposted this on their Instagram story last night, which is the highest praise a red carpet outfit can get. 

Lizzo

Who doesn’t love Lizzo? She was fully owning it on the red carpet dressed as a literal red flag. Her performance was definitely one of the highlights of the night, and there’s nothing bad I could possibly say about her. 

Lenny Kravitz 

Sweet of Zoë to let her dad borrow her outfit from Big Little Lies! I really can’t pretend to know what’s going on here, but Lenny Kravitz looks ridiculously good for 55. If wearing a gold mesh top is the secret to his youthful looks, I guess I’m gonna have to buy one too.

Hayley Kiyoko

I just…girl, no. I love Hayley Kiyoko, but this latex bandeau with with a sheer plastic cardigan and the largest pants I’ve ever seen is all kinds of wrong. And that’s not even saying anything about the color palette. Three shades of olive is not the way to go! I have truly never been more confused. 

DJ Khaled

Wait…are they still looking for a replacement for Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men? If so, it looks like DJ Khaled is officially throwing his hat in the ring. 

Images: Getty Images (12)

As your trusted pop culture correspondent, it’s my job to stay up-to-date with all the important happenings in Hollywood, but it’s not always easy. Sometimes, a story comes across my desk that just makes me feel old. This is one of those times. Today, I’m here to educate you on the newest, trendiest couple in the celeb-verse, Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan. Who? What? Why? I share all of these questions, but we’re going to get through this together. Who are Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan, why do people care about them, and should I? Stay with me, and all will be revealed. And yes, to answer your next question, we are all ancient.

Noah Cyrus

We’ll start with the easiest part to understand. Noah Cyrus is Miley Cyrus’ younger sister, and she does music. She’s only 18 years old, but I would honestly believe it if you told me she was 35. She has an interesting look. She looks like if you turned Miley Cyrus into a porcelain doll, dyed her hair black, and then just like, stretched her out a little bit, but not in a bad way? If that sounds mean, I’ll just say that she looks a lot like Miley (which is a compliment), and way better than Lil Xan. But we’ll get to him in a minute.

Noah started out as a child actor, mostly just appearing in shows and movies for kids, including as a backup dancer in The Hannah Montana Movie. Wonder how she got that job. In 2016, Noah pivoted to a career in music, and since then she’s released a handful of singles that are at least mildly catchy. She’s making the same kind of moody, chill pop music as a million other 18/19-year-old girls right now (Madison Beer, Sabrina Carpenter, Carlie Hanson, Bea Miller, not that I’m into this sort of thing).

purple rain

A post shared by NC (@noahcyrus) on Aug 4, 2018 at 2:20pm PDT

Lil Xan

*As I sat there, staring at Lil Xan’s Instagram and thinking about the college degree that I have, I couldn’t help but wonder, do I have to?*

Here I am, doing what needs to be done. Lil Xan (real name Diego Leanos) is a 21-year-old from outside of LA, and he’s one of those special humans that we like to call SoundCloud rappers. Basically, that means that he has face tattoos and has probably done a lot of drugs in his parents’ basement. He actually used to sell drugs, but now he’s anti-drugs. This might seem ironic, considering that he’s literally named after Xanax, but he’s talked about changing his stage name to Diego. Unclear if that’s actually going to happen, but I won’t hold my breath.

Lil Xan released his first album, Total Xanarchy, in April of this year, and the reviews were less than glowing. In The Guardian’s official review, Ben Beaumont-Thomas said that “I can confidently report that there are no good lyrics on this album.” Yikes. The album has 16 songs, which is like six too many, and it’s honestly exhausting. He’s no Kendrick Lamar, I’ll just say that.

Sunshine don’t feel right when you inside all day ????

A post shared by ????LIL XAN????HEARTBREAK SOLDIER???????? (@xanxiety) on Aug 25, 2018 at 5:48pm PDT

Noah Cyrus & Lil Xan

Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan went public with their relationship back in July, when they both started posting Instagrams and stories of themselves basically cuddling and making out. It’s fun that more celeb couples are being public these days, but this whole thing feels a little like a bootleg Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson. Sorry Noah and Xan, but they already won the summer couple game this year. My favorite thing about them going public as a couple is that basically everyone was angry about it. Xan’s fans weren’t happy, Noah’s fans weren’t happy, and I’m still not happy that I even know who these people are. It’s 2018, and we just cannot have nice things.

ok fr. look at this lil nuggetttt!!! ???????????? also we both so sad its so sweet ????????????????

A post shared by NC (@noahcyrus) on Jul 30, 2018 at 2:30pm PDT

Much like Pete and Ariana, the timeline of their relationship is really intriguing. The photo above was posted on July 30, and it seems safe to assume that this wasn’t the first day they were dating each other. But let’s take a time machine back to June 20, when Noah dropped a song featuring Tanner Alexander—who was her current boyfriend. Tanner is basically a rando, and it’s very unclear when he and Noah stopped dating, but she clearly moved on quickly. Last week, she and Xan released their first song together, so they’re either in it for the long haul, or they’ll be broken up by the time you read this.

The happy couple made their public debut together last week at the VMAs, and it was a lot. Noah looked good in a gold foil bikini and baggy pants, and Xan was wearing custom Off-White, which I can’t really hate on because I wish I could wear custom Off-White. Except I can kind of hate on it, because it was the VMAs, not Netflix and chill at a random apartment?? Put on some real pants—ok, you’re right, I’m aging myself. Outfits aside, they went viral for red carpet photos where he’s basically smashing his face into hers while she’s posing nicely for the camera.

most ugliest couple at vmas. yeah we know. ???????????? @xanxiety

A post shared by NC (@noahcyrus) on Aug 20, 2018 at 9:32pm PDT

Wow, this whole thing makes me feel very old. At least now you’ll be able to keep up with the youths in your life when they’re talking about Lil Xan. Thank god. Now please excuse me, I need to go listen to some Aretha Franklin to remember what music is supposed to sound like.

Images: @noahcyrus / Instagram (3); @xanxiety / Instagram

Sooo last night’s 2018 VMAs were pretty anti-climatic. Like, they gave me an excuse to drink wine on a school night, so I’m not complaining cause that part was cool. And that wine definitely proved necessary to help aid my bleeding eyes from some of the fashion monstrosities that came across the VMAs 2018 red carpet. Of course, I enjoyed JLo’s unbelievable performance, Ariana’s sultry “God is a Woman,” and Nicki’s boss rendition of “Barbie Dreams.” Still, I can’t deny how I miss the days of Miley’s inappropriate twerking and Kanye not really letting Taylor finish. Anyway, there were so many people at the VMAs this year that I didn’t even f*cking know, so naturally I left them off this list, so don’t @ me. The trends of the night were metallics and sheer, which as always some celebs did correctly while others…eh, not so much. Sidenote: why the f*ck did Madonna look like one of those fortune tellers on the street harassing me to get a shitty $10 palm reading? I just don’t get the connection there between her wacky flea market look and her Aretha Franklin tribute. Well, the worst only gets worse from here, so let’s get it going. In no particular order, here are the best and worst dressed from last night’s kinda boring VMAs. And shouts out to Glam Squad for making the Betches look amazing on the red carpet so nobody thought we belonged on a worst dressed list.

Best Dressed

Kylie Jenner

Kylie is doing everything right. Well, almost. Like whyyy Travis Scott??? I’m sorry, but he’s just not cute. Actually, I take that back, she’s actually doing something right because she dumped Tyga’s loser ass and upgraded to at least a more successful, but still unattractive, rapper. So, between the two, I applaud her choice. Anyway, the VMAs aren’t known for being the classiest of the award shows, and I love that Kylie went opposite of what’s expected in a chic Tom Ford blazer dress. Like, clearly that Forbes cover is getting to her head, but who can blame her? This outfit is the epitome of, “Yes, I am a mom who just turned 21 and also happens to be on the cover of Forbes. And you’re not.” Touché, Kylie.

Cardi B

Speaking of the Kardashian-Jenners, cause like, when are we not, Cardi B was clearly channeling her inner Kris Jenner with the short black hair, giving us some major momager vibes. It’s almost like she gave birth to Kulture and then was like, “f*ck, what would a mom wear to the VMAs?” Then Googled “famous moms” and saw a picture of Kris and just brought that to her stylist. Regardless of how she came about this look, Cardi looked classy and glam, and I’m going to give her an enthusiastic proud dad-level thumbs up.

Nicki Minaj

Sooo this one may go against popular opinion, but I was totally on board with Nicki’s VMAs look. It’s weird not seeing Nicki in some obnoxious shade of pink and, I gotta say, seeing her in this white number was a real treat. Sure, the Rapunzel ponytails were a little much, but this is Nicki Minaj we’re talking about, and the fact that she wasn’t wearing a tacky pink wig was a total win. Sure, we saw her whole ass, but that’s nothing new and, honestly, from an artist with a song like “Anaconda”, it was done in a relatively tasteful way.

Millie Bobby Brown

I’m confused, is anyone else concerned that Millie Bobby Brown is out past her bedtime? Isn’t she like, 10? Or is it 11? Sh*t, now I’m confused. Shoutout to her for either successfully sneaking out or convincing her parents to let her go out on a school night. Not only did she succeed in getting herself to the VMAs, she also looked on point while there. Her look was sweet, simple, and I’d really like to get my hands on that stylish crop top. It’s kinda crazy how good someone looks when their head isn’t shaved and they’re not clutching a box of Ego waffles.

Madison Beer

Madison Beer’s look was easily one of my favs. Her chic and classy white suit looked fire. Like, if she wasn’t already hot enough, this outfit burned it down. That was cheesy, I’m sorry. Her look was tasteful and mature, although I could have gone without her grandmother’s brooch smack dab in the middle. Like, if she had done this look with the blazer slightly open with nothing underneath, then there’s no way she wouldn’t have been my hands down best dressed of the night.

Olivia Munn

Like, real talk, what is Olivia Munn up to these days? I feel like she hasn’t been in a movie in a minute—or if she has, I haven’t seen it. I liked it when she and Aaron Rodgers were feuding with Jojo and Jordan Rodgers. That was fun. Well, idk wtf she’s doing now, but she did look amazing last night in the ideal VMAs dress. The purple color of the dress was amazing on her, and the dress was the perfect amount of VMAs-appropriate sparkle.

Worst Dressed

Ariana Grande

Ariana Grande really disappointed me with this slutty Tin Man number. It’s like edgy Tinkerbell meets a sorostitute dressed as an alien. Although, I have to forgive her for her serious fashion crime here, because her new album is amazing. Plus, she had my favorite line of the night when, during her acceptance speech, she said, “Pete Davidson, thanks for existing.” It was so cute and genuine that it slightly redeemed her terrible outfit choice. 

JLo

Ugh, JLo, you’re SO MUCH better than this slinky metallic dress. Yes, she looked amazing as JLo always does, but I’m putting Jenny from the Block on the worst dressed list because this look was way too predictable. And like, seriously, I’m so over the one leg thing. I don’t want to see your slim right leg, JLo, I want to see those drool-worthy abs. I need more sexy and less basic b*tch headed to senior prom. Either way, I can’t deny that killer performance. Not to mention, the dress she wore when she accepted the award for “Dinero” slayed. Not sure why she wasn’t wearing that dress on the carpet instead, but I guess that’s why I don’t get paid thousands of dollars to dress celebs. But like, clearly I should be.

Tiffany Haddish

Tiffany Haddish is hilarious, but she’s one of those celebs who clearly can’t dress herself for sh*t. And I don’t know who these stylists are that are getting paid to make these celebs look like straight clowns, but it’s really starting to annoy me that I don’t have that job. This dress was a big thumbs down and we could have definitely done without the headband and the giant hoops. It’s a lot. 

Grace Vanderwaal

I don’t know who this girl is, but yikes. She looks like the drag queen version of Lord Farquaad, or at best, disco Mary Poppins. Sorry, Grace. Best of luck to you and whatever it is you do.

Rita Ora

Rita Ora, no. No, to the dog collar. No, to the sheer spaghetti dress—I’m actually pretty sure I own this bathing suit cover-up. And the eye squiggles are a little too literal—that’s fine for a sorority theme party, or like, Lil Xan, but not the red carpet.

Blake Lively

I’m so f*cking over everyone raving over Blake Lively’s style. Like, don’t you get it, people? Serena van der Woodsen had amazing style, but Blake Lively does not. Instead, she just has a perfect husband and a perfect life—I can see how it’s easy to conflate them. She looks like a haunted Willy Wonka meets circus ring leader who also has to get to her catering shift at seven. Or, maybe more simply, she just looks like the ghost of Christmas past? Idk wtf she looks like, but it’s not good, and Serena van der Woodsen would definitely not approve.

Camila Cabello

There’s nothing, like, inherently terrible about this outfit, it’s just altogether pretty blah. Like, I’m pretty sure I saw this ensemble at my prom. In 2009. 

Amber Rose

I want to trust a guy as much as Amber Rose trusts this outfit not to expose her labia. She looks like a slutty version of the Red Devil from Scream Queens. Like what is this, some discounted cosplay outfit from Adam and Eve? This outfit is legit the reason stores start putting out Halloween stuff in August.

Images: Getty Images; Giphy

We’re getting into the second half of summer, which means it’s time to talk about the MTV VMAs again. Now the VMAs are known for always producing iconic performances and ~moments~, but usually no one really cares about the awards. Usually. Well, the nominations came out this week, and Taylor Swift got snubbed in all the biggest categories. Wow, I’m speechless. Considering that she’s won the Grammy for Album of the Year twice, Taylor probably doesn’t even care about this, but rest assured her fans had plenty to say.

First of all, let me note that Taylor didn’t get left off the nominees list entirely. The video for “Look What You Made Me Do,” which I had some thoughts about at the time, scored noms for Art Direction, Visual Effects, and Editing. So basically, all the categories that no one GAF about, even if Taylor has the best art director or whatever in the game. Good for her, but she was left out of categories like Video of the Year, Song of the Year, and Artist of the Year. Basically, whoever decides the nominations for the VMAs was reaaaally not feeling Taylor’s new album. Whoever you are, hit me up, we could be friends.

Here are some of Taylor Swift’s fans who had absolutely no chill after the nominations were announced:

Taylor Swift did not break the 24 hour VEVO record with 43.2 MILLION views for @vmas to snub LWYMMD like that. pic.twitter.com/F2rnSLgJ3C

— Taylor Swift Facts (@TSwiftFTC) July 16, 2018

Good for you, you watched it 43 million times in a day! I was definitely two or three of those views (for research purposes only).

let’s not pretend that lwymmd wasn’t one of the most iconic pop culture moments of all time. i mean it broke the vevo record FOR A REASON pic.twitter.com/ODKz8MoCeB

— malek (@witnessinners) July 16, 2018

Okay, props for the Kris Jenner GIF usage, but calling the video one of the most iconic pop culture moments of ALL TIME is a bit of a stretch. I mean, this is no Janet Jackson’s nipple at the Super Bowl, let’s be real. Also, if we’re really talking about iconic pop culture moments, what about the moment with Kim and Kanye that inspired this song in the first place?? Right, that’s what I thought.

Taylor Swift is not nominated in the Artist of the Year and LWYMMD isn’t nominated in the Video of the Year at this year’s VMAs like she didn’t break YouTube and Vevo record at the same time in the first day of ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ mv release. Okay then @MTV @vmas

— allain ???????? (@swiftreputation) July 16, 2018

Wow, they really seem focused on this Vevo record, huh? Honestly, it’s been like a decade and I still haven’t gotten a clear explanation of wtf Vevo is, and how it’s actually different from YouTube. Congrats to Taylor on her record, I guess, but these are just not convincing arguments. It’s almost as if using a video to reignite a petty feud from two years ago and rip off “Formation” isn’t as groundbreaking as, say, a video exploring the difficulties of being black in America. Hm.

To her credit, Taylor herself has been quiet about the VMA nominations (or lack thereof), so all we’ve really learned is that Taylor Swift has some rabid fans. What else is new? Feel free to pop off in the comments section about how evil I am, because haters are my motivators. Also, I’d like to admit that I don’t hate “Delicate,” despite how hard I’ve tried. That’s all for today, I’m tired of talking about this.

Images: TSwiftFTC, swiftreputation, witnesssinners / Twitter

As a long time listener of Taylor Swift’s music, I’ve learned a lot from her over the years, like how to only date emotionally unavailable men or how to act like a psycho when dating said emotionally unavailable men. Or that true friendship is hard to come by, especially if you’re looking for friends who collectively weigh the same as of one of your thighs. But tbh her most valuable life lesson had nothing to do with friendships or men or trying to make bangs happen for four fucking years, but rather how to live your best life as a petty fucking asshole. Because if there’s one thing Tay knows how to do, it’s how to be petty AF. Not all heroes wear capes, people. We’re mere days away from the release of Taylor’s newest album, Reputation, and I for one cannot wait to see who else she’s about to shade the fuck out of for the entire world’s entertainment. Seriously, sounds so lit. So in honor of this momentous occasion, let’s take a look back at all of the reputations Taylor has ever tried to ruin, because we all know that’s the main goal of every fucking thing she’s ever written.

Camilla Belle

Camilla was one of the first entries in Taylor’s burn book people to make herself an enemy of Taylor’s, and she did it way back in 2010 when Taylor was still just a girl with a guitar and a hair crimper. #TBT. Camilla made the mistake of stealing Joe Jonas away from Taylor, because yes, you heard that right, this entire feud started over Joe fucking Jonas. In typical petty fashion, Taylor didn’t want to directly hash it out with Camilla and instead wrote a song about the whole thing called “Better Than Revenge”, where Taylor called her the nastiest skank bitch she’s ever met and to not trust her because she’s a fugly slut “an actress” who is “better known for the things on the mattress.” Ah, slut shaming. It’s so creative, so innovative, so blatantly insecure, and goddamnit that’s a catchy tune. I’m sure Camilla holds nothing against Taylor now, especially not when Taylor likes to incorporate the phrase “uplifting women” into every one of her awards speeches ever. 

Nicki Minaj

Remember when Twitter was just an outlet used by celebs to publicly shame one another for us peasants’ personal entertainment and not used by the person running our country to threaten other countries that happen to have a massive amounts of nuclear weapons? Yeah, neither can I. But back in the day in 2015, Nicki Minaj used it to call out Taylor’s win at the VMAs for Best Music Video of the Year. She said, and I quote, “If your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for vid of the year.” Which feels like a very fair assessment of the world we live in. But, similar to how I think everything is about me always, Taylor took this tweet v personally instead of seeing the comment for what it really was: a statement about the racist white patriarchal society we live in. Taylor immediately tweeted back with “I’ve done nothing but love & support you. It’s unlike you to pit women against each other. Maybe one of the men took your slot.” Wowwww. Sick burn, Tay! Almost as sick as the haters gonna hate, hate, hate. What will you come up with next?? 

Katy Perry

Tbh I was totally into this public shaming because I can’t fucking stand Katy Perry, and also, it resulted in the making of “Bad Blood”, which is still one of my all-time favorite Taylor Swift songs. No one knows exactly what went down between Katy and Taylor, though from this interview in Rolling Stone I can surmise the following happened:

Taylor was, of course, the girl with vintage skirt, while Katy was Regina George. No seriously, that’s basically how it went down according to Taylor so that’s obviously a factual account. After the “Bad Blood” music video came out, Taylor got criticized for shitting on more females in the industry, but like, she got a Grammy out of it and all Katy got was that tragic pageboy haircut, so who was the real winner here? 

Kanye West/Kim Kardashian West

I literally can’t talk about this whole Kanye-Taylor-Kanye Again-Taylor Again-Kim Kardashian conflict any fucking more because I do not have enough hours in my day to outline this entire shit show for you again. I actually have subreddits to troll shit to do. Can I please be excluded from this narrative? Basically, Taylor has been feuding with Kanye West since 2009, when Kanye acted like a fucking insane person and tried to ruin Taylor’s VMA’s speech. Since then they’ve gone back and forth to see who the bigger asshole is. Kim K even jumped on the bandwagon because she is thirstier than me on a Saturday at 1am drunk swiping through my Bumble matches when it comes to drama. After #SnapGate2016, Taylor retaliated with her new song, “Look What You Made Me Do”. In the song, she’s out for fucking blood with literally everyone who has ever wronged her (inspiring), but she seems to personally attack Kim and Kanye with lines like “I don’t like your tilted stage” and “I don’t like you.” Fucking savage. I have no idea how Kimye will recover from this. 

John Mayer/Harry Styles/Calvin Harris

I’m grouping all of her exes together here because, again, I need to troll the stars of Riverdale on Instagram have other important shit to do. That said, I’m pretty sure the breakups went something like this: cheated on her, cheated on her with Kendall Jenner, refused to take anymore #couplegoals pics for the Insta so she dumped him. I paraphrase. Honestly, I can’t fault the girl for wanting to roast her ex boyfriends in front of the entire fucking world, because this is actually what I also do after every single breakup. It’s v cleansing. It’s either that or report their tagged photos with the new girlfriend as “offensive material” to Instagram HQ. Ya know, either/or. 

Anyone Born In The Year 1989

I guess Taylor decided to take a break from shitting on all of her ex-boyfriends and went after an enemy more manageable than Hollywood’s entire male population: anyone born in the year 1989. That’s right, Taylor tried to trademark a year in which millions of people were born just so no one would “rip off her merch.” *slow claps* I aspire to be this petty. Do you think she teaches a class? I’d love to know how I can go about trademarking 1992.  

The level of pettiness Taylor Swift uses in her every day life is truly inspiring tbh. Here’s hoping that one day I’ll feel confident enough to literally shade every human being who has ever breathed near me instead of just anonymously blasting them in my articles. In the meantime, I can’t wait for Reputation! Who else thinks Taylor wrote a last-minute bonus track to talk shit about her bff going back to her shitty ex? *cough* SELENA GOMEZ *cough* Fingers crossed!

The 2017 VMAs might go down as the most blatant attempts at shade-throwing per minute since the East vs. West Coast rap wars in the 90s. It seems like everyone and their drugged-out stepmom came to the show with the intention of getting some press squashing beefs. For anyone who wasn’t watching Game Of Thrones actually tuned in last night, you honestly might have forgotten the whole thing was supposed to be about music videos. Honestly, we might as well change the name of the show from the Video Music Awards to the Thinly Veiled Attempts At Making Money Off Fake Drama Statue-Giving Festival. Sure, the TVAAMMOFDSGF doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, but it is definitely a more accurate description of what goes on. So for those of you who turned the show off at 9pm because of GOT didn’t catch all the shade, here’s a ranking of the shadiest moments, from most to least embarrassing. 

Katy Perry To Trump

Look, I’m as much for shading the Trump Administration as anyone (sign up for The Betches Sup!), but whoever told Katy Perry to kick off the VMAs with five minutes of political standup is seriously disturbed. Like, yes girl, we get it, you voted for Hillary. So did a majority of America.

^^^ See. That’s how you throw shade at the Trump Administration. No need for some bizarre story about being on a spaceship that tries to roast fidget spinners, Russian meddling, and Fyre Festival all in one cringeworthy bit. Did anybody else notice how they kept cutting to Ellen during Katy’s opening? I think the camera guy, like all of us, was hoping that Ellen would just jump on stage and take over.

But seriously Katy, in the future if you are looking for seasoned political comedy writers, my email is [email protected] and my rate is $7 Million p/hour. Thanks.

Adam Levine To Lorde

You probably didn’t even realize this shade was thrown because Adam Levine is over it didn’t happen at the actual event, but only-member-of-Maroon-5-anybody-cares-about Adam Levine was not feeling Lorde’s performance, or like, any of the VMAs for that matter. Levine tweeted “Julia Michaels gets cut off while she’s singing and Lorde gets to NOT sing her whole song,” because apparently Adam Levine is a messy bitch who lives for drama. He also tweeted “It’s always exciting to see how utterly horrible the VMAs will be. They really delivered so far this year.” Agreed. But like…damn Adam, somebody seems salty that they didn’t get an invite this year. You’d better chill on some of the industry shade. Any person at the VMAs could take your cushy Voice job in a second. Also, leave Lorde out of this. She had a fucking cold. 

Taylor Swift To Everyone

The most highly anticipated moment of the VMAs was the release of Taylor Swift’s new Monster Mash “Look What You Made Me Do” music video, and she certainly did not hold back on the shade. The whole video was a graveyard smash mashup of all of Taylor’s recent beefs, with digs at Kimye, the media, Katy Perry, Tom Hiddleston, and anyone who has ever wronged Taylor in her lifetime. And if an opening shot of a tombstone with the words “Taylor Swift’s Reputation” wasn’t subtle enough for ya, Taylor brings the whole thing home with a bizarre Taylor-on-Taylor sketch comedy moment where T-Swift (dressed as all the Taylors of Christmas Past) attempts to address all the mean things people say about her, but really just proves she’s like, a terrible actress.

Remy Ma to Nicki Minaj

I mean, of course she did. Remy Ma did not waste any of her .5 seconds of VMA camera time blatantly trying to get some attention dissing Nicki Minaj. I guess Remy needs a new reason for talk shows to book her is still pretty pissed. The VMAs brought in Remy as one of the C-List celebs they trot out to lead into the commercial breaks, and Remy wasted no time trying to make it to the B list by coming for Nicki, adding “Nicki what’s good?” to her outro.

A year-old beef that references a 2-year-old beef?

**rolls eyes so hard I have to go to the hospital**

Fifth Harmony To Camilla Cabello

Perhaps the least subtle shade of the night occurred with Fifth Harmony took the stage. The girls appear with five silhouettes, with one being immediately booted off stage in what was obviously a dig at Camilla Cabello, who left the group last year. Um…yeah…did I say this moment was “shade”? What I meant to say was that this moment was a whole fucking eclipse.

Cersei To Danearys

I mean, we all knew that Danearys was going to show up to the big meeting on her dragon, but Cersei wasted no time shading the dragon queen for her lateness with an epic eye-roll and “We’ve been waiting her a long time” combo—oh wait. This is the wrong show. My bad.

The Game Of Thrones finale was dope, though.

Cardi B To The Police

Cardi B won the “most controversial moment” award this VMAs by using her mic time to shout out kneeling football guy Colin Kaepernick. The up-and-coming rapper took the opportunity during one of her intros to say “Colin Kaepernick, as long as you kneel with us, we’re going to be standing for you.” See Katy Perry, that’s how you do mid-VMA political commentary. You just fucking say what you mean. No spaceships. No bullshit. And maybe a nip slip just to keep things fun.

Honestly, all of these adult babies people should be glad that nobody watched last night because of Game Of Thrones. The whole thing was embarrassing. Except for Cardi B. Cardi B can hang. 

The MTV Video Music Awards are traditionally an event where celebrities compete with each other to wear the ugliest, most outrageous shit they can find. Except this year was a snooze fest and even the ugliest outfits weren’t that offensive. There weren’t any swan dresses or major wardrobe malfunctions, which is seriously disappointing. I don’t even think any real celebrities went this year unless they knew they had to perform or accept an award; the red carpet was pretty much just social media stars. I guess everyone figured the world would be too busy watching the Game of Thrones finale to tune into the VMAs, so they decided not to even make an effort to be extra. What a shame. Anyway, these outfits still managed to suck, so let’s talk shit about them.

Alessia Cara

Alessia Cara has a zero fucks attitude, which I really appreciate. I mean, she literally wore sweats and sneakers to the VMAs, which is a level of laziness I aspire to achieve someday. Usually, I’d give this type of behavior a free pass, but Alessia wore a plain black choker with Adidas Superstars, which are two trends that the Tumblr teens have totally killed. She also wore some sweatpants that kind of look like gauchos. *Googles what year it is* Like, girl, you won an award. Have a little self-respect.

Lorde

I. Wow. I’m gonna go book a doctor’s appointment, because I think this outfit gave me an aneurysm. On top you’ve got some party tinfoil ensemble and then on bottom you’ve got sweatpants? It’s like Lorde started making this outfit for the Project Runway unconventional materials challenge and then just ran out of time. If those sweatpants weren’t bad enough, she paired them with Adidas superstars. It’s crazy meets lazy meets basic, and it’s all around bad.

Demi Lovato

I don’t even know where to go with this one. Do I make a joke about the upcoming live action Aladdin movie, or do I take the ninja route? I’m a huge fan of jumpsuits, but this one is brutal. I’m actually v here for the top part because I have daddy issues slutty is my aesthetic, but then they had to go and ruin it with some sequined MC Hammer pants. And then Demi paired this all with some librarian heels. What makes this outfit especially tragic is that Demi’s hair and makeup are fire, and “No Promises” is my current jam. I really wanted to see her succeed. I was rooting for you, Demi. We were all rooting for you!

Gabbie Hanna

I don’t think that someone we vaguely remember from when Vine was a thing counts as a “poorly dressed celebrity,” but this dress sucks, so I’m going to add it to the list anyway. All it’s missing are pin stripes and then this would be a Sexy Lady Gangster costume from Spirit Halloween.

Katy Perry

If you can look past the creepy fake baby Katy has strapped to her chest, you can appreciate the full horror of this dress. This isn’t The Hangover, put Carlos to bed. Anyway, Katy looks like a member of Mugatu’s squad, or like Princess Anastasia gone wrong (Google it, you’ll know what I’m talking about). Honestly, I’m pretty shocked that her outfits for the night weren’t worse than they were. I had low expectations. 

Mel B

Anyone know why Scary Spice showed up with a “I need to talk to your manager” haircut and a giant eyeball over her ass? I feel like she got high and watched The Secret right before getting dressed and all she could do was mumble shit about her “third eye” to her stylist and this is what they came up with.