This Is How Long It's Acceptable To Keep Your Wedding Profile Pic

When you’re in college, spring is a time for puking in Mexico and pulling all-nighters to make up for months of not going to class. But as soon as you graduate, spring turns into the season where all your previously fun, slutty friends decide to settle down, get married, and probs cut their hair into a lob immediately after their honeymoon. This is also known as wedding season. Just trust me on this, college betches. It will happen to you.

And while the free booze and seeing your friends is cool and all, the influx of wedding pics on your timeline is just ridiculous. Like, Jesus Jenny. You and Timmy got married three years ago. Can you fucking stop with the wedding posts and pretending you’re still happy and having good sex? No one is buying it. To ensure you don’t end up like Jenny, here’s an investigation into how long it’s appropriate to keep wedding shit as your prof pics.

To conduct this investigation, I scoured through all my married friends’ Facebook pages and divided them into three categories: Really cool, fun married couples; lame af married couples; and normal, somewhere in the middle married couples. Groundbreaking, I know. You can call me Dr. Vanderbetch. From there, I measured the averages for how long they kept their weddings photos up and this is what I found.

If you want to be cool: 6-8 months. Hopefully after six to eight months of marriage you and your hubby have done at least one thing worthy of a profile pic. Like, IDK, your honeymoon? Side note, why does nobody post honeymoon profile pics? I would rather see two normal people on a beach than one girl from my highschool wearing five pounds of makeup and an outdated updo. Anyway. Changing your profile pic less than a year from your wedding says “yeah my wedding was cool and all but it wasn’t the highlight of my life” and also “I actually wanted to get married for more than just the big party.”

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If you want to be average: 9 months-1 year. A year is the maximum acceptable time to leave that shit up before everyone starts judging you—like, why won’t you let go of your wedding? It was literally one night out of your entire life. I don’t want to sound paranoid or anything, but anyone who leaves their wedding profile picture up for longer than a year is hiding something. Usually one of the following:

1. They gained 60 pounds the moment they took off their wedding dress. And no, they’re not even expecting—just fat.

2. They completely stopped doing anything remotely fun and their only friends are their in-laws.

3. Their marriage is a joyless wasteland and their wedding night was the last happy memory they shared as a couple (that is, before the groom got wasted and spent the entire night vomiting so they didn’t even have sex).

If you want to be the fucking worst: Just leave that shit up forever.

You Disgust Me

If you’re sitting there reading this like, “but why? I looked beautiful in my $10k gown and I love my hubby and it’s the start of our happily ever after” or something else horrifying along those lines, throw some water on your face, drink some vodka and think about what your previously single self would think of the person you’ve become. Okay. Now that that’s done. Here’s why: Awesome, chill married couples do cool shit after they get married. They go on trips and, ya know, still have friends other than their fucking spouse. And therefore have other pics they want peeps to see. Mic drop.

So there you have it, I highly advise you take that shit down after 6 months, 8 months tops. I do, however, give you permission to post them again on anniversaries. BUT ONLY anniversaries. And you only get one picture. I do not want to see your entire fucking wedding album every year on your anniversary. There’s no way your wedding was even that fun. And don’t even get me started on the “One year ago today, I married my best friend. We’ve had our ups and downs…” No really. Don’t get me started. I could write a 5,000 word essay on all the terrible sappy love posts I see.

You’re welcome, basic wives.

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