Hookup Horror Story: Sleep Talk

Another week, another hookup horror story. This week’s latest awkward sex from U Up? will definitely make you feel better about your own hookups and relationships—yeah, it’s that insane. Let’s dive in.

Hey J and J,

Love the podcast! It makes me feel I have a superpower for understanding the male mind. All my friends totally love all of the unsolicited advice I give them about their love lives now.

I know y’all have gotten a few sleep talking awkward sex moments but this one was way more than talking. I have a once-or-twice-a-year booty call thing with a guy I dated for 2-3 months a couple of years ago. Last night he came over and after hooking up, he fell asleep immediately (Like every guy).

Like. Every. Guy. Lol. No after sex spoon sesh? Not even a kiss goodnight?

 I knew from our previous hook ups that he has some really weird sleep habits – twitching, flaying his arms, sleep talking etc – and so I was having a hard time sleeping next to him.

Brennan? Dale? Is that you?

In the middle of the night, he rolled over and was like “I want you to sit on my face right now.” I said “what?” And he said it again and kind of pulled me up on top of him and he started going for it. I was up there for a minute or so but something was just a little weird and I was like what the fuck it’s 4 am I’m going to sleep. So, I … um… dismounted and he immediately did the twitching thing that he does in his sleep.

This may be the funniest part of this whole situation. Not the fact that in his sleep he wants her to sit on his face, but the fact that she didn’t realize it was weird until after the fact.

I thought he had just fallen back asleep really fast. A few mins later he rolled over so that we were spooning and he started talking about how he wanted to have sex with me. He was kind of trying to but not really, so I started to think he was sleep talking. I told him that I wanted to go to sleep (obviously I have moral qualms about having sex with someone who is asleep even if they are asking for it haha) and he rolled back over.

 Is it that obvious? I mean you sat on his face a few minutes ago??

Then – for his grand finale- he turns to me and goes “hey I love you and I’m sorry about Saturday.” I looked at him like he was crazy and he grabbed my face and repeated it again: “I LOVE you and I’m so sorry about Saturday!” He 100% does not love me so that was definitely confirmation that he was still asleep. Who knows who he was actually dreaming about!

I love how she calls this the “grand finale.” I find that hilarious. At this point in the night, I would be laughing so hard I would wake him up and tell him about all the weird sh*t he’s put me through that night, then have him call me an Uber home.

I asked him in the morning if he remembered the middle of the night romp and he had no clue what I was talking about so I think he was asleep for the whole thing. Maybe he has sex insomnia which I’m pretty sure I heard once about on Law & Order: SVU? Obviously I didn’t tell him that he told me he loved me because I knew he’d think I was fully insane. I can’t believe he could literally eat me out in his sleep, but the “I love you” thing makes me sure he was out cold.

I WISH this girl asked him questions the next day, or at least told him everything that happened.

 Hope this makes y’all laugh! I’d love to know if you think this is even possible!

Also the phrase “wake up sleepy pussy” was involved somehow? 🥴🤢

What would you call this?
The Night Rider? Dream Girl? Night of the Living Head? 

I actually laughed out loud to this letter. If someone ever said these things to me in their sleep, I would be concerned and uncomfy…100% a deal-breaker for me.

Find out what Jordana and Jared thinks about this on the latest episode of the U Up? podcast.

Images: Adi Goldstein / Unsplash

Claire Brodsky
Claire Brodsky
Claire is a multifaceted creative who combines the best of editorial and visuals to produce engaging content. She has been writing and creating in the fashion and media space since 2019. Previously a digital designer at Cosmopolitan Magazine, she is currently a graphic designer at Coach, content creator, and freelance writer published in Cosmopolitan, Betches, and Byrdie.