Image Credit: Betches

Don't Date Joe Jonas Until You Read These Brutally Honest Yelp Reviews

If only there was an online support group for all the victims of your toxic ex. Somewhere people could leave feedback, advice, and reviews of their experience. That way, you could’ve gotten advance warning of their rampant shopping addiction, obsession with their 18-year-old Yorkie with a chronic UTI problem, or insistence on ordering off the kids menu. Ick! 

And if celebrities got their hands on such technology? Imagine the pain and heartache that could’ve been spared! Imagine the Pete Davidson page alone! In wake of Sophie Turner’s split from soon-to-be ex husband Joe Jonas, Betches prepped a handy Yelp-style boo review for whomever might dare to date him next. What would famous exes like Gigi Hadid, Demi Lovato, and TSwift have to say about their experience with the middle JoBro? 

Demi L. ⭐⭐⭐⭐

A friends-to-lovers-to-friends situation. Adore him, but would not say this man loves commitment if that’s your thing. Highly recommend randomly jamming with him! Come for the extensive manscaping, stay for his awesome brothers. 

Ashley G.

If I could give 0 stars I would 😊. Not sure how this man’s mother raised him but publicly naming your sexual exploits is a new low. P.S. if you’re going to talk about your first time for the entire Internet to see, you might want to mention that it lasted approximately the same length it took you to break up with reviewer Taylor S. Good luck out there!

Taylor S.

Would never come back to this man. Everything you’ve heard is true. A sneak, ambivalent, a perpetual liar. Originally I was impressed by the love bombing, but then the script was completely flipped into something I did not originally order, nor what I had anticipated. 

Be warned. If you play an instrument, any instrument, he will attempt to “coach” you and teach you how to play it correctly. I think it stems from his jealousy about not getting The Voice over his brother??? 

It gets worse, too. If this guy breaks up with you, really when he breaks up with you, he’ll act like you’re crazy. And the breakup itself will likely be humiliating. Mine consisted of a 28 second phone call. Overall, I’d say terrible experience. 

I’m just happy there’s a space where women are sharing their honest opinions about men. It’s high time we hold men accountable for their decisions and actions and share our experiences. 

As Madeleine Albright once said, “It took me quite a long time to develop a voice, and now that I have it, I am not going to be silent.” 

As I wrote… “Mr. ‘Insincere apology so he doesn’t look like the bad guy’/He goes about his day/Forgets he ever even heard my name.”

Gigi H. ⭐⭐⭐

I don’t know, dude. This guy has kinda been obsessed with me since I was 13, which I realize now is kinda weird? And like, I guess people would call me pretty low maintenance, like I’m chill right? But like, he is not. This relationship was, like not at all what I anticipated. Like, expect a lot of products in his bathroom, dude. And he will use your products too, bro. And like, rifle through your award show swag bags and stuff for them. It’s like, a lot, dude. 

Sophie T.

You know, from my first visit, I got the sense that this man, or should I say boy, was jealous of me. I mean I really should have taken heed to these reviews before I got involved, but I was young and naive. 

Here’s how I’d describe him for anyone out there looking to be a stepmommy: Insecure, daft, cruel, arsehole, berk, bloody liar, weirdly wants to dress chav but looks like a discount Magnum P.I., can’t hold his drink, and really overall just a complete knob. And make sure to check your things when you inevitably split. He might attempt to steal pricey retinols and waterproof mascaras off you. If you’re still looking for similar options I’ve heard decent things about Zac Efron. Avoid Cole Sprouse like the plague, though. I know someone who got gaslit from him. 

Eva Morreale
Eva Morreale
Eva Morreale is a Jersey girl based in Los Angeles. She has an encyclopedia-like knowledge of Sex and the City, the Real Housewives franchise, and always carries Tums. You can follow her whereabouts on IG @evapants or subscribe to her newsletter Fries for the Table (