Welcome to your new job!!! We’re going to pretend you chose to be here, rather than working just to afford silly little coffees and the newest Lululemon leggings. We’ll also pretend you had lots of options during the hiring process and this wasn’t a last resort. It’s not like you majored in Marketing with a minor in Theatre, because that would be a very stupid thing to do, right?
We’re also going to act like we’re doing you a huge favor in paying you, even though you legit give up all your waking hours to us and we expect far too much. But don’t worry, this Employee Handbook is going to give you everything you need to turn this flop into a slay, and get the most out of this pointless job that contributes nothing to society.
So slide on those blue light glasses you plan to expense immediately and get reading, girlie.
Not-So-Basic Employment Basics
So we have full-time and part-time employees, as well as interns. The part-time employees are the ones always yapping about Swiffers and insisting they need extra days off for their kids’ recitals or Christmas. The full-time employees are the ones rolling their eyes at everyone leaving the office before 5:30pm, as they turn back to whatever episode of The Bachelor is currently on their screen and resume their online shopping.
The interns are the ones that look like teenagers (I swear they’re over 21) and come in dressed for Milan Fashion Week. If you need something from them, they’re usually available between 11am and 3pm, but don’t bother on Mondays or Fridays or whenever Mercury is in retrograde. Also, be careful as they can be SUPER MEAN!! I asked one of them to clean up a spreadsheet, and they told me I was “delulu” and had “no rizz.” I cried for weeks.
In terms of working hours, officially it’s like, 9am to 6pm. But the new manager is all “it’s not about the hours you work but the work you get done,” so take him at his word. Chug three coffees from the broken Keurig in the kitchen and get everything done before lunch so you can spend the afternoon learning the entire Eras tour choreography.
There is this super useful app you can download that will move your mouse every few minutes so you appear like you’re active on Microsoft Teams. I just put that on whenever I decide to have a three-hour Everything Shower.
Workplace Policies
You’ll have to complete a few online courses, like “It’s Time to Be a Team Player” and “Shaping Your Future Career,” but be careful, as these are timed. So pop on an episode of Gilmore Girls and click the next slide every time you roll your eyes at Lorelai or Rory, and it’ll seem more natural.
Officially speaking, drugs are not allowed at work, so just go to the abandoned parking lot next door, take your drugs there, and then come back. But be aware that this rule doesn’t apply to anyone earning over $100k.
We all totally support mental health. Obviously, you can’t take a “Mental Health Day,” but once a month, on a Friday, we order pizzas for lunch!! We also did a Zoom Yoga Class during Covid, and I’m sure we’ll do another one sometime in the next five years.
The best place to take a nap in the office is in the little meeting cubicle. Go in with a couple of big sighs and fake glasses on your head, as if you’re super busy. No one will want to speak to you in case you actually start talking about work. It’s ideal, you can easily get five hours alone there.
Code of Conduct (Boo!)
So we’re going to set a bunch of rules that you’ll have to follow for like two weeks before we all forget about them. Existing employees will read this part and go, “Oh my God, is that a thing?” Like yeah, it’s technically a thing, but who really cares?
- Dress code. Think like a sexist high school. So men can wear anything, but women have to cover their shoulders and somehow not have tits while in the office. So baggy t-shirts or sweaters for sure. And working from home, just go full Winnie the Pooh and make sure you never stand up in Zoom calls.
- Cyber security. You’re meant to only use your work laptop for work things, but the CEO literally watches porn in his office (he’s going through a NASTY divorce). So just download Sims on it already and don’t be alarmed if it starts smoking after six straight hours of playing. It’ll save you a bunch on heating bills! Also definitely ask for a VPN for “security reasons” so you can stream literally any show from anywhere. I’m halfway through Love Is Blind: Japan and it is SO good.
- Workplace relationships. Officially, these are a big no-no. But the CEO literally was making out with Jennifer from HR at the holiday party — pre-divorce, yah. So do it, but just deny everything. If you want the right alliances, consider going after: Kenneth from IT (he can get you the coolest mods for your Sims), Petra from Accounting (she can approve all of your creative expenses wink wink), and Winston the Office Manager (he’ll get you the best rolly chair that leans back for amazing naps).
Benefits and Perks, i.e. The Real Reason You’re Here
Okay, let’s get to the good stuff. We all know why you’re really here. So aside from the mediocre salary, how can you get the most out of toiling away in your cubicle? How can you girl math your way into actually earning more than what’s on that little payslip?
Here are the perks of working in this sad little office:
- Health. While we’re too cheap to give you a gym membership, you can be sneaky and get that walking treadmill reimbursed. You’ll probably only use it once and then leave it in the corner of the room to gather dust, but it’ll be such a flex for the one meeting you bob around during. You’ll also get health insurance, so you can finally go to the doctor for that weird mole or unexplained rash. Also, if you phrase it just right, you could probably get your nose fixed and use the ol’ “deviated septum” excuse. Slay!
- Injury. If you get injured at work, you get paid like mad money for it. So make sure to trip over Kacey’s insane collection of wires or bite yourself and claim it was that white crusty dog that Mandy has forcefully branded “the office dog.” You’ll get paid for your entire recovery time, so time it for ski season in Colorado.
- Work from home. While we force you to come in every day for the first month for “training purposes,” after that, we’re mad chill about working from home. And you know by working from home, we mean showing your face in a few Zoom calls in-between Starbies runs and naps.
- Expenses. Literally anything can become an expense with the right description. Coffee to fuel your Zoom meeting. A Vitamin D Light for your long working hours. That cute glow-up keyboard you saw on TikTok for ergonomic reasons. Your DoorDash order because you had to work late after only coming in at midday.
- Development. We love it when people keep working on themselves, so feel free to take lots of courses in your off hours. While we’d prefer you to sign up for something like “How to use Excel better,” you could definitely take a latte art course or go to Booty Pump at 2pm.
- Office goodies. Make sure to bring a big bag to work and just stock up on things from the office. There’s always a bunch of coffee, and in the cupboard, you’ll find extra cartons of oat milk. You can easily save like $30 a week by shopping at the office kitchen. Also, Gary’s wife always makes him these delicious lunches, so swipe them from the fridge when he’s in a meeting. But be warned: Everyone knows about these lunches, so it’s become the literal Hunger Games for them.
Working Hours and PTO
Let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter how many days off you actually get, as you’ll just claim you’re working from home for the rest of your vacation. But in case you’re curious, we give 12 paid days off a year. Yeah, I know, that’s legit not even enough to enjoy Cabo properly.
But a fun trick is to just mark your calendar with “Appointment” or “Call [Insert Name]” and then enjoy your time on the beach. Even nosy Kacey will assume you’re doing something important and leave you alone.
Also make the most of sick leave, bereavement leave, and regular paid leave with the following excellent excuses:
- My guinea pig died.
- I have appendicitis.
- My other guinea pig died from grief.
- I have a deviated septum and need to get a nose job.
- My sister just had a baby and it turns out her husband isn’t the father so he left her.
- I have jury duty!!
- My pervy uncle died, so I need to go celebrate.
- It turns out the baby isn’t my sister’s either, so I need to go support her and find the parents.
- My new guinea pig died, when will the pain ever end?!
- Jury duty again!!! I am just so good at justice.
Employee Resignation and Termination
Eventually, you’ll definitely find a job that pays way better than us and gives you something cool like a company car, or at the very least, a company phone. In that case, you need to formally resign, but you can just email something like, “I’m out, losers, watch this hot booty walk out the door!”
You have to give a month’s notice, but you can just use the excuses from before to reduce that time to like, five days. I’m sure Kacey won’t mind covering all your workload. This is also the best time to fuck around with office relationships and hook up with the kind-of-creepy-but-also-kind-of-hot manager.
It would be such a flop if you get fired before you’re done taking advantage of this job. If that happens, you get a month’s notice, but definitely just scoot on out of here and don’t bother working. What’s the worst we can do? Fire you again?
But it’s super easy to avoid being fired. At the company Christmas party, get Jennifer from HR super drunk (she’s a sucker for pornstar martinis) and get all the gossip on the big bosses. Keep a document of all of this as the perfect blackmail material. Then, when a manager is getting a bit too sassy with you, dangle this information like a carrot, and get yourself a raise in the process.
As for a future reference, definitely write it yourself and then just ask for their signature. Or better yet, ask ChatGPT to write one for you. (It’ll do a much better job.)
You likely didn’t even make it to the end of this document, as who even reads these, but if you did, that’s enough for today. Take the rest of the day off, you hard worker!!
