Welcome to New to the Table, a series in which we welcome our newest Betches podcast hosts to the team and do what any kind, supportive relatives would do to the new person at a family dinner: grill the fuck out of them.
This isn’t your normal, boring Q&A. We’re getting personal (and probably too close for comfort) with our newest podcast hosts, asking them the questions that really matter, like what their last Google search was and what they’d do if they won the lottery. (Hint: It better involve front row seats to Taylor Swift’s Eras tour for the entire Betches staff and also maybe paying my monthly rent… thanks.)
This week, meet Gwenna Laithland and Tori Phantom, the cohosts of the Betches Media podcast Childproof, a parenting chat show for when you’re craving adult conversation.
All right, Gwenna and Tori. Welcome to the family. Now, we’ll start out easy. What’s your go-to karaoke song?
G: Bodies by Drowning Pool.
T: Sexy and I Know It by LMFAO.
Great picks. What’s your zodiac sign and what does it say about you?
G: Pisces, and that I eat entirely too much Salmon.
Good to know. If you could switch lives with one person for a day, who would it be and why?
G: Literally any infant on the planet. Wrap me up tight. Hold me all day. Periodically shove a boob in my mouth.
Well, when you put it like that… I guess I want to be an infant too??? Okay, If you could delete one social media platform forever, which one would it be?
G: Reddit. It’s the overfull septic tank of the internet.
T: Also Reddit — the angriest place on the internet.
What’s the worst fashion trend you’ve ever participated in?
G: I woefully and tearfully admit I had the Karen haircut in the early 2010s. Plaster swoop in the front. Crunchy spikes in the back.
T: The arm warmers that were decorated with chains and safety pins that emo kids wore in the 2000s. (I was an emo kid in the 2000s.)
If you could swap lives with one fictional character, who would it be and why?
G: Edward Cullen. I have zero self-control and I would have eaten Bella in that first science class and eliminated the rest of the series from existence.
T: The Doctor, imagine the fun you could have with a TARDIS.
If you could be any celebrity’s personal assistant for a day, who would it be?
G: Zaddy Pedro’s Slutty Knee. Not Pedro Pascal. No. Just his knee.
What would you do if you won the lottery?
G: Buy a concerning amount of vending machines and turn them into literal dopamine slot machines. I’d black out the fronts so you can’t see what’s inside and place them all over and fill them with nostalgic shit. Cassette tapes of Disney’s The Little Mermaid, those ball-clacker-uppy-downy toys. Folks would pay a dollar and just random shit from our childhood would fall out. Instant glee. That would be my existence. Giving tiny bits of dopamine via mystery vending machines.
T: Build a miniature grocery store in my backyard stocked with all my favorite foods, tell no one.
Damn, you’ve both really thought this out. What’s the most embarrassing thing in your room right now?
G: I have a concerning amount of wigs just laying on my bed. Just piles of hair. I don’t wear wigs.
Definitely not concerning at all… What’s the cringiest thing you’ve ever said to someone you were flirting with?
G: “I just brushed my teeth.” I dunno why I thought that was like a cutesy adorable thing to say. I’m unsure how I’m married. Or in a relationship at all.
T: It’s not what I said, but what I did while I was talking. I worked with my partner before he was my partner and had a crush on him. Went to his desk to talk. I talk with my hands and knocked his iced coffee off the desk, it spun in the air for what felt like 10 minutes, spraying him with coffee the entire time. He didn’t even flinch, just stared at me.
So romantic! What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever bought while drunk online shopping?
G: I don’t drunk shop but I do stoned shop and I own a chicken purse. And chicken nugget earrings. And chicken feet socks. And a chicken t-shirt. Stoned me likes chickens apparently.
Guess we’re having chicken for dinner! What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever had to explain to a doctor?
G: So I was standing perfectly still and I turned my head just a little too quickly and my ponytail brushed my neck and I wasn’t expecting it to do that so I jumped and when I came down my feet slipped out from under me and so I kept going down and I’m pretty sure I broke my ass.
T: I had just dyed my hair blue, I don’t wear gloves. Went in for a checkup and had to explain that my fingers were blue because of hair dye, not lack of oxygen.
Oh…hope you’re, um, doing okay after that. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
G: Jellyfish. It was…not good.
T: Homemade Play-Doh that I cooked in a waffle iron.
Nope, sounds like a hard pass. What’s the most useless talent you have?
G: I know every word of the hit Broadway musical Cats.
T: I wouldn’t call it a talent, but I can squirt milk out of my tear ducts.
Amazing, we’ll make you sing “Memory” to our founders after this while crying milk tears. What’s a “can’t live without it” characteristic you look for in a partner, aside from having a pulse?
G: The ability to make me laugh and the willingness to put up with my bullshit.
What’s the pettiest thing you’ve ever done to get revenge on someone?
G: My ex stole a stop sign after he got pulled over for running it. We got into a fight that night about the ticket and the driving and the stealing of traffic signs. The next day I took it to the police station and told them he’d stolen it and that he had like 30 unpaid tickets to his name. Gave them our address and his contact info and everything.
What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever Googled?
G: “How to get marble out of nose.” And, like, as a mom, that shouldn’t be embarrassing, but I wasn’t googling it on behalf of any of my children. I put a marble up my own nose.
T: I have no shame, my Google search history is vast and strange.
Ummmm next question. What’s the worst haircut you’ve ever had, and can you show us pictures?
G: The Karen Haircut. And yes, yes I can.
Why should we listen to your podcast?
T: My internet enemy that doesn’t know they’re my enemy, they have a podcast. That podcast is higher on the Apple Podcasts charts than Childproof and I simply cannot tolerate that. Help me in my vendetta against this human. Also, Childproof is really good, so.
Welcome to the family, Gwenna and Tori. Now pass the potatoes.
New episodes of Childproof come out every Wednesday and can be found on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Photography by Laura Valencia
Art Direction by Brittany Levine
Location: Museum of Ice Cream