Happy Pandemiversary, Or Whatever: Weekend Horoscopes March 12-14

Spring forward, fall back, and lose an hour of sleep, all because farmers insist we’re miserable twice per year so they can plant, I assume. At least the weather is a bit warmer, the virus is slowly receding, and there’s some f*cking hope for a normal summer, right? Maybe the planets will also align so you can get your love life in order, and maybe even feel good about everything for a change?

Let’s dive in.


Passion and creativity kick the weekend off, Pisces, and by Sunday you’ll be trying to take care of everyone and everything in your path. Start Friday and Saturday with tackling a project you actually want to do, like hunting for antiques or starting a blog about your food takeout habits. Then ease into Sunday by being a shoulder to cry on for a friend going through a rough time. If you don’t have any friends, we recommend volunteering for the day.


It’s all about dreams this weekend, Aries. We know you usually aren’t one to read too much into these things, but you may want to actually pay attention and write down all the weird sh*t that happens this time. After all that sleeping and dreaming, you’ll have tons of energy on Sunday, so make a plan to hike, jog, walk, or at least go up and down the stairs a few times to burn it off.




Gtf outside with your besties this weekend, Taurus. Whether you have a few folks over to lie on your patio with a bottle of rosé, plan to go camping or hiking (lol wut), or make reservations for brunch, getting social and enjoying nature should be on your agenda. The moon wants you to show love and support for those that mean the most, so instead of picking a fight with your S.O. about the laundry, maybe spoil them with a home-cooked meal and control of the TV.


Don’t ignore those feelings about work, Gemini. Maybe it’s time this weekend to sit down, think about where you see yourself in five years, say “f*ck that”, and redo your resume and apply to some careers that sound interesting. Change doesn’t have to be scary. Sunday is for your tribe, so make plans to see or FaceTime at least one bestie from your crew.


Time to get out and explore, Cancer. The planets understand you’ve been cooped up for awhile, so if you can do so safely, have a mini adventure this weekend. Maybe a beach getaway is in order? It may be cold, but do it for the ‘gram. If you can’t manage a last-minute vacay, make an effort to have a new experience in your own backyard. Maybe there’s a vegan restaurant that scares you a little?


You’re going to be in your own head a LOT this weekend, Leo, so go ahead and lean into it. Maybe you’ve wanted to talk to your partner about your relationship in the bedroom; or maybe you’ve wanted to lie in a bathtub and contemplate the meaning of life. Whatever it is, give yourself space and time to do it on Saturday. Sunday, your racing mind will have calmed down a bit, and you can turn your attention to important sh*t, like binge-watching The Handmaid’s Tale before it comes back in April.




It’s all about relationships this weekend, Virgo. Take time to talk and connect with your S.O. starting after work on Friday. Enjoy a date night and make an effort to discuss what you both want and need. It isn’t often that you’re able to get this real with each other, so take advantage of the opportunity. Remember—you can talk through issues without getting upset, so if your partner seems a little on edge, back off and approach the subject again later. If you’re single, use this weekend as an opportunity to give yourself a good, stern talkin’ to about what you really want in a mate.


If you’ve got huge projects and to-do lists from work hanging over your head after work on Friday, it’s okay to use the first half of the weekend to get ahead, Libra. It may help you feel less anxious come Monday. You may be feeling pretty emotional and drained by Saturday night, but give yourself some space, some pizza, and some comfy pants and you should be fine. Sunday is your best chance to get closer to your partner, so say yes to morning sex even if you’re feeling bloated.


Get artsy this weekend, Scorpio. You haven’t had a day recently where you do cool sh*t like finger paint or try to sketch a sunset, but your time is now. Sure you may be terrible at it, but that’s not really the point, k? Express yourself. Your focus for the remainder of the weekend is self-care, so perhaps a bath, bottle of wine, or trip to Target is in order.


Tidy your nest, Sagittarius. It’s time to take the not-quite-clean, not-quite-dirty clothes off “the chair” in your room, dust (since you haven’t in six months), and wipe down the baseboards. It’s sh*tty spring cleaning, but it’ll make you feel accomplished AF. Sunday is about romance, so plan something super cute for you and your S.O. Maybe it’s a hike with a picnic, or tackling a difficult recipe together. Whatever, just make it fun.




Yay for communication, Capricorn. If you’ve felt like being in a cave, cut off from people and the world has been your M.O. lately, it’s time to shake that sh*t off and rejoin society. Make plans with friends or family to get out of the house on Saturday, then use Sunday to recover at home with your partner. Drinking over age 30 is an extreme sport.


Focus on your finances this weekend, Aquarius. The pull to treat yourself is strong, but maybe it’s time to set a budget for yourself when it comes to clothes/food delivery/trips to Target where you tell yourself you only need one thing. Sunday the moon wants you to focus on family and connection, so ask your dad if he wants to grab a beer. He doesn’t get out much these days and def needs a break from your mom.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson