From the first moment that ABC announced Hannah Brown as their new Bachelorette, I knew that we were in for six months of eye-rolls and idiotic pageant references. There’s nothing ABC loves more than an easy punchline (trigger warning: Colton’s virginity), and so you know they’re not going to miss a single opportunity to bring up sashes and tiaras and swimsuit competitions and ALABAMA. Well, we’ve now been #blessed with the first promo for Hannah B’s season of The Bachelorette, and the verdict? I am already f*cking tired.
In the clip, which was premiered on Good Morning America today, Hannah B. traipses through a fairytale forest that looks like they tried to remake Avatar with no CGI budget. Hannah B. is wearing a tiara and a sash that says “BEAUTY QUEEN,” in case you couldn’t use your powers of deduction to figure out that she is, in fact, a beauty queen. She’s in a big white gown, but it’s one of the ones where it’s actually pants, and the skirt part is removable. If I had to guess, she’s going to take off the skirt at the end of this thing.
FIRST ON @GMA: The brand new @BacheloretteABC promo! Get your roses ready #BachelorNation! #TheBachelorette ? pic.twitter.com/55qmJzYipN
— Good Morning America (@GMA) April 5, 2019
As she wanders through the forest, she tosses aside the tiara, then the sash, then THE SKIRT. I WAS RIGHT. This is basically every sh*tty perfume commercial ever, and could also be mistaken for a Taylor Swift video from 2010. At least they’re going with a tried-and-true concept. Oh! And I almost forgot about the music! As Hannah explores the enchanted forest, with more bad CGI roses growing around her feet, we hear a stupid cover of “You Don’t Own Me,” the classic song about being a bad bitch who doesn’t need a man. Wait—isn’t the whole point of this show that Hannah B. does need a man? Mike Fleiss, I’m unimpressed by your mixed messages here.
We’re left with what is presumably the tagline for the new season, and man, it’s some of ABC’s best work, truly. THINK YOU KNOW HER? THINK AGAIN. Wow, I’m just struck by how creative and original that is. I mean, where do they even come up with this stuff? I’m just waiting for next year, when the Bachelorette tagline is probably going to be NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED. Gotta love the wordsmiths over at ABC.
Remember this tragedy?
So, what’s going to happen?? Will Hannah B. ever find her way out of the haunted forest? Will she save herself, or realize that she needs a knight in shining armor? Honestly, I’m not sure her motley crew of guys has any knights in shining armor, so hopefully she’s good on her own. We’ll all find out when The Bachelorette premieres on Monday, May 13, and you better believe we’ll be here ready to roast.
Images: ABC; @GMA / Twitter; Giphy