Courts To Gwyneth: Stop Trying To Make "Vaginal Eggs" Happen

It’s said that everything the Trump administration does is a distraction from something more important going on and this week was no different. That NYTimes op-ed? Clearly a distraction from the drama going down in the Vaginal Jade Egg community. Wellness Guru and professional middle part-er Gwyneth Paltrow has settled with California prosecutors over falsely advertising the scientific benefits of sticking rocks in your p*ssy. And if that’s not the most 2018 thing you’ve ever read, IDK what is.

Paltrow’s company Goop (a name so bad only a beautiful rich white lady can get away with it) claimed that jade and quartz eggs, should you insert them in your hoo-ha, would “balance hormones, increase bladder control and regulate menstrual cycles” and that another item, Inner Judge Flower Essence Blend, “could help prevent depression.”

While in theory, these benefits all sound rather nice, the California courts pointed out that there was no scientific evidence behind them. It’s sort of like a drunk girl in a bathroom promising you the world and then when you’re like wait, what do you mean you can get me free drinks for the night *poof* she’s gone.

GOOP settled with the courts and paid $145,000, which honestly is just the cost of three vaginal eggs and a Flower Essence Blend added up. They’re still selling the two eggs, but the Inner Judge Flower Essence Blend has disappeared from the website. The company simply changed the description of the eggs and are no longer promising that they’ll (Iyanla) Fix Your Life.

So readers, go nuts and stick whatever you want up your vag, just know that science might not be on your side. But Gwyneth always will.

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