Drinking Pinot Noir Makes You More Attractive, So I’m Practically Adriana Lima

I’m not even going to go into all the ways this year has sucked because you already fucking know. Unless you’re a Trump supporter and didn’t think Beyoncé deserved album of the year, and if that’s the case, I just can’t even with you rn. The one thing that has been on our side, however, is science. Pasta and cheese are good for us now, we have doctors to back us up when we tell our gin-drinking besties they’re actually insane, and a bunch of other shit. Well now there’s a study that says drinking pinot noir makes you more attractive. So are you telling me I transform into a VS model every weekend? I fucking knew it.

Always Right

Here’s what went down: A group of scientists walked into a bar, and… no, JK. That sounds like the beginning to a joke my dad might tell. OK so, here’s what happened (*Adrian monk voice*): some researchers in the good ol’ U.S. of A got together to study pheromones, because it’s not like there are more pressing issues affecting our country right now. These guys decided to study pheromones aka the chemicals released by your body to attract a mate. Well IDK how exactly they discovered this, but after a bunch of analysis they figured out that the pheromones given off by pinot noir are very similar to the ones given off by men. I missed the lesson on pheromones during freshman year biology because I was too busy making out with Shane Oman in the projection room above the auditorium, so I’m a little fuzzy on whether this means that drinking pinot would make you more attractive to straight men or women. Like, are dudes gonna be attracted to someone who smells like them? If so, should I switch my deodorant to Old Spice?

Old Spice

Super unclear, so let’s just go with: Drinking pinot noir makes you irresistible. Lucky for me, this is literally all I drink. But for you white wine only drinkers or fancy af betches who prefer a rich cab, you need to to switch up your vino preferences stat or else you’re probs going to die alone. Science fucking says so.