Don’t Say We Didn’t Warn You: Weekly Horoscopes March 23-27

This week Mars and Pluto meet in Capricorn, meaning things could get even more intense than they already have been. At least you have some warning. On the bright side, Capricorn’s influence is here to help you make those #QuarantineGoals a reality, and not just something you ignore all day and then panic about right as you’re about to go to bed. Progress!


Your ruler Mars meeting up with Pluto can mean only one thing, Aries: it’s time to get serious about your career. Not saying you have to be one of those “Shakespeare wrote King Lear on quarantine” people but like… you kind of might be one of those people. Even though Shakespeare was a Taurus.


Week two of quarantine has you about ready to explode, but no one wants to be the first person at the company to lose their sh*t on Zoom. The social distance has you confusing opinions with facts and in serious danger of popping off at the wrong time. In short, triple check you’ve actually hit the mute button before launching into an expletive-laden rant during your next conference call.


You may be socially distant from everyone you know, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be emotionally close to a special someone. Get ready to go deep with one of your relationships this week, quarantine be damned. Hope you’re okay with watching yourself cry on FaceTime.


Don’t be surprised if you find yourself venting a lot in the group chat this week, Cancer. Your significant other (or your roommate—whoever’s closest right now) is getting on your last f*cking nerve, but now is not the time to let it all air out. There’s plenty of time to fight about that thing they said three years ago when there’s not a government-mandated stay inside policy.


Keep your guard up, Leo. Someone in your close circle might not have the best intentions, so pay attention to your intuition. If someone sees like they might be shady, they probably are. And no, you do not have to donate to your cousin’s GoFundMe to recoup the money she lost on her Parisian bachelorette.


Dating in the time of corona has you getting creative with your flirting this week, Virgo! Just because we’re social distancing doesn’t mean there’s no room for romance. Feel free reignite a texting (or sexting—no judgment) relationship with a former flame, or swipe through the apps looking for some NSA flirtation. Remember, Shakespeare sent some of his best nudes in quarantine.


It’s time to turn your home into your castle because you’re gonna be there for a while. Now is the time to rethink your domestic setup. Is it conducive to your new work from home lifestyle? Feel free to get creative with your home office floor plan this week. You can always change it back once you’re allowed to have guests again.


This week is all about what’s not being said. The time is ripe for a passive aggressive roommate situation. Your task is to address it in a way that won’t totally ruin your lives for the next eight weeks. So yeah, a Post-It note on the fridge is probably not the best move. Especially since you’re never more than five feet away.


You’re locked in a house with all your food, yet you can’t stop spending money. What gives, Sagittarius? Time to tighten up that budget. The new clothes can wait until there are actually people around to see them. And no, that new $100 serum will not do anything to fix the pandemic. Stick to the CeraVe.


This is a huge week for Capricorn, with both Mars and Pluto in your sign. So what are you gonna do about it? Time to pursue your dreams and passions with abandon. Take advantage of the extra hours indoors to really commit to yourself and then who knows? You could end up one of those annoying people who actually gets something done during all of this.


Need a little support? Don’t be afraid to ask or to seek it in strange places. People are finding all sorts of ways to come together, so don’t count out zoom parties or group meditations on Instagram. Sure, nothing can replace a good IRL girl’s night cry sesh, but there’s no reason that you can’t find a way to make it work with a little wine and FaceTime.


You’ve been quarantining your physical self, but how about your emotional self, Pisces? Your empathic sign can be feeling pretty overwhelmed by all the chaotic energy right now, so don’t be afraid to tap out for a little bit. That means no phone, no computer, just you, your couch, and Tiger King on Netflix. (You’ll thank me for the recommendation later.)

Images: Parker Johnson / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.