The. Final. Four. No, I’m not referring to the best sporting event ever, March Madness. I’m referring to the final four ladies who are battling for their right to go on the longest press tour of their lives, an all-expenses-paid wedding, and can finally answer what girls all over America are going to wonder: “So how was IT?!” But before we get to cutting wedding cakes, let’s see Colton squirm a bit more during hometown visits.
Episode 8 starts with Colton taking the first indoor shower we’ve seen all season. The fact that we know his bathing regimen (all water, no soap) is mind-boggling, but at least there’s a roof this time. If the soapless shower doesn’t make your skin crawl, the fact that he packs only a carry-on to four cities should. Just when I think this dude knows nothing, I see Ugg slippers in the corner which allows him to COMPLETELY redeem himself (UGG Slipper fan here…..not sponsored).
A visit to Caelynn’s hometown of Fredericksburg, VA is up first. Caelynn greets Colton with kisses and a horse and carriage ride which tells me two things: 1) She’s completely romantic and 2) Late night booty calls in the 1860s were ROUGH. Since Colton’s jeans are too tight for an actual wallet, he takes the two dollars he has and they grab ice cream and chat in the forest. Caelynn gives him her family breakdown, and preps Colton for the hard-hitting questions like: “Which biscuits are better, Red Lobster or Popeyes?” Answer: It’s a tie.
Finally making it to Caelynn’s home, we meet her entire family in the backyard which includes the immediate family, neighbors who just want to be on TV, and the Asian ER nurse from Grey’s Anatomy who never has any lines. Her stepdad John tries to act like a tough guy, but America can’t take you seriously while you rock the #6 from the haircut chart at SuperCuts, so we see right through it. Ariana (Caelynn’s sister) says she “Can’t see Caelynn with Colton.” Here’s a tip: Wear less than 10 pounds of eye shadow, you might be able to open your eyes and see their future together. All in all, a pretty successful hometown, and while Colton asks for her dad’s permission to propose like he’s asking for dessert seconds, John says yes.
Next Up? Hannah G. in Alabama! Eager to get to some warm weather and see some ACTUAL football, Colton makes it to Birmingham. Realizing that Colton kissed a girl and learned how to use a fork at the same age, she makes him take an etiquette class before stepping foot in her parents’ house. Walking with a book on his head, and doing other things you might see at the Westminster dog show, Hannah G. has Colton jump through hoops with the etiquette trainer, and she finally brings him home.
“What makes you qualified to marry my daughter?”
Me: “Well today I balanced a book on my head”
— Colton Underwood (@colton) February 26, 2019
This is my favorite hometown of the four by FAR. Not only because Hannah G.’s mom looked like a cast member from Family Guy, but mostly because I’ve never seen so many “Can I speak to the manager haircuts” in one place. (If you don’t know what I’m referring to, Google it. Thank me later.) Colton sits down for dinner (buttering his bread correctly thanks to the etiquette class) they begin asking him about his intentions, and he tries his best. The whole time, I get the feeling that I’m watching a bad political campaign commercial, and most of that’s driven by the fact that Hannah’s father is dressed like a presidential candidate. After a long day with the cast of Fried Green Tomatoes, Colton tells Hannah that he loves her while staring at the gnome from the Expedia commercials.
I just watched #thebachelor to the end, and saw Hannah G. Family do their “rap.”
Someone please hit me with the “Men In Black” mind eraser, because I can’t unsee that.
— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) February 26, 2019
Next on the Hometown Tour: Tayshia in Orange County! Tayshia decides to start the day off with a big surprise for Colton, and won’t let him see, and that includes blindfolding him even the car ride where he hits his head en route. (No one feels sorry that you hit your head, Colton, because that’s what we’ve been doing intentionally against the wall every Monday since this season started.) As if their bungee jump overseas wasn’t enough, Tayshia takes love to a new height again by taking Colton skydiving. Unsure like he’s trying to open a condom wrapper one-handed, Colton mans up and takes the plunge for love. Colton says he doesn’t want to die a virgin because he heard that “it’s” real good. We’re not talking about Cinnabon here Colton, but yes. Sex. Is. Good.
Back on solid ground, Tayshia takes Colton home to a family that just sits on the couch waiting for the doorbell to ring. Rant Time: See, this is where I get annoyed. No family just sits on the couch and allows someone to walk in. Where’s the realistic doorbell rings and mom screaming: “Who the hell is it?” and then answering the door with her wig on crooked and flour all over her hand from cooking, or the father answering the door with a beer-stained tank top. Now THAT’S realistic. Rant over.
Tayshia’s family sits down for dinner, and I’m already uncomfortable because there are way too many collared shirts for a dinner at my own house. Tayshia’s mom takes her to a bedroom with a cross above the bed where they talk in the bed with their shoes on. I’m assuming the cross is there to get rid of the evilness that will exist in the sheets since you tracked your dirty shoes on the mattress. At the same time we realize that Desmond (Tayshia’s dad) is a BBQ master because he is GRILLING Colton outside. After several rounds of questioning, and Tayshia saying she likes her meat well done, Desmond gives Colton his blessing.
Last but not least, Cassie in Huntington Beach. Cassie starts out by giving Colton one of many future lessons in “firsts,” but this one includes surfing. While Cassie is an awesome surfer, Colton’s skill level leaves much to be desired. I’ll say this: If his first time surfing is any indication of his first time doing other things, someone is going to be UPSET. Cassie realizes that everything isn’t for everybody, so she decides to bring him home anyway.
Cassie’s family is adorable and I feel like I’m 10 years old and watching TGIF all over again. Providing more body contact than someone giving CPR, Colton is really handsy at this hometown. You can genuinely tell that her family wants someone perfect for her, while most parents would just want their 23-year-old out their home. This whole hometown shows that Cassie is as unsure about her feelings for Colton, and it really makes him like her more. (Yea, us guys like the chase.) Colton chats with Cassie’s pops, and the fixated eye contact her dad has with him shows that his favorite hobby has to be watching plants grow. Colton thinks things are going well with her dad and when asking for permission to propose he gets the “I’m going to take a raincheck on that.” Ouch, we can’t even fix that blemish in post edit.
Time for roses! Chris Harrison (if you forgot, the host of the show) returns from his nap caused by this season putting him to sleep. This rose ceremony takes place in a beautiful house, that looks like it could be the first ever Chick-Fil-A. The ladies show up, but all Uber meters stay running to whisk someone off to the airport.
Roses go to Hannah, Tayshia, and Cassie, even though she was quoted as saying: “I don’t want this to be over” instead of “I love you.” Free room and board? Cassie, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want it to be over either. LA rent is expensive.
Caelynn, cheer up. Paradise will be worth the wait.
All I’m going to say is, if what happened the last time the Bachelor told several contestants he loved them is any indication of what might happen next, this isn’t going to end well…..