Your Cracked iPhone Screen Is A Metaphor For Your Love Life, Survey Finds

By LaBetch James | February 10, 2017
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As Valentine’s Day approaches—which TBH is the worst holiday in American fucking history—many single betches have turned to moments of self-doubt. Why are we single? Are we too clingy? Do we just need to lose those last five pounds? Are we as unlovable as our ex says?

Shut the fuck up with all of your self-pity, because a new survey shows that the reason you’re probs single is more innocent than we all may think: your cracked phone. According to the annual Singles in America survey, 86% of millennials are turned off by a cracked phone screen. The survey didn’t mention what percentage of millennials have a cracked phone screen, but I’d bet my next paycheck that it’s the same. You hypocrites.

The Weeknd Texting

It’s not just your inability to hold your phone for more than 5 minutes without dropping it on the ground that’s keeping you single, though—the survey revealed that millennials are pretty fucking picky with phone behavior in general. 75% of singles hate it if a date answers his or her phone during a date (duh), and they really don’t even like if the date has an old phone (also understandable). In more petty news, if you type with the clicking noises turned on, that’s another strike. The more you know.

But even before the first date, millennials are totally judging their future dates’ social media posts, which obvi we support. Nothing like a little stalking to get the hormones flowing. 58% of singles are turned off by any open complaining on Facebook, 42% of singles are judging you on your social media posts in general (v helpful), and 39% are judging you on your grammar. Honestly, we are here for this—it’s 2017, I think the world should know the fucking difference between “your” and “you’re.”

Your Vs You're

There is some good news in this giant survey, which was put together by the Match dating service, btw (yes, that Match). Our generation is completely fine with having sex way before any other generation. Remember that “no sex until the third date” rule that Carrie Bradshaw tried to instill in our susceptible and naive minds? Nope, not millennials. We’re actually fine with having sex before the first date—how that works exactly, we’re not totally sure. 34% of singles have had sex before a first date, and millennials are 48% more likely to have sex before a first date. Whether that means you fucked a guy and then made him get drinks with you afterwards so you’d feel like less of a slut, you went home with him and then got brunch the next morning and are calling it a date on a technicality, or some other scenario, we can’t say for sure.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, all single people are judgmental and picky and Valentine’s Day sucks.