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Hi, So Sorry To Bother You! Can You Take A Picture For Me, Please?

Hi, so sorry to bother you! Would you mind taking a picture of me, please? 

Great, thank you so much! Let me get my phone ready. Oops, the camera’s facing the wrong way — alarming to see yourself from under the chin, right? 

Okay, here you go! I’m sure you know how to work an iPhone. 

Ah, you have an Android? Interesting. Well, I’m sure they’re similar — just press the button on the screen, and ta-da! Quick and easy.

Alright, I’m just going to stand over here in front of this colorful wall. If you could please wait one second while I remember which side is my good side and contort my body in the least awkward and most flattering ways, that’d be great. 

Okay, all set! Ready when you are. Actually, would you mind taking it vertically instead of horizontally? Landscape doesn’t do me any favors. I know — neither does talking. I’ll be quiet now. Wait, does my hair look okay?  

Wow, you’re handing back my phone already. So soon? I see you took… one? If I wanted one photo I would have gone to the DMV. Haha.

Oh, shoot. My eyes are closed. You did so great though. Really, it’s me, not you. I’d be grateful if you could take a few more — to have options, you know? It’ll be effortless; just press the shutter button until you physically can’t anymore. To be clear, I don’t want a photo, I want THE photo. You’re the best. 

That sounded like two hundred clicks — amazing! Were they cute or weird? You’d tell me, right? Doesn’t matter, there’s bound to be a winner in there. Truly, thank you for your patience. 

Before you go, would you mind snapping a few with my sunglasses on? You’re a gem! 

Maybe I should take off my hat and restyle my hair. It’ll just be a moment. I’m going to do a quick French braid and change pants and go get my dog from home — then it’ll be perfect. 

Would you try a few in Portrait mode? Great! Could you maybe add the flash, too? I just need a new headshot for LinkedIn. And a fun one for Bumble. And a hot one for Instagram to make my exes implode.

While you’re at it, could you shoot a 45-second video of me candidly walking in front of the wall contemplating all my life choices? I promise it’ll only take like, seven seconds. 

It says my iPhone photo storage is full? I barely even have 95,000 pictures and videos, so that seems odd. Will you hang on while I delete a few? I’m thankful you don’t have anywhere to be! 

Oh, you do? Well, we’ll get you right on your way!

That was tough, but I found 11 photos to delete. Should be all set! Now, if you could please climb up that tree over there and scout the best angle for filming me in 4K as I learn and perform the latest viral TikTok dance, I’d owe you one. Hey, are you feeling okay? Also, do you have any video editing experience? 

You were great. I really appreciate your time, effort, and tolerance for indulging a stranger. Feel free to send me an invoice! Haha. Before you really get going though, would you mind taking one quick picture of me and my friend?

Why didn’t my friend take my picture? Oh, she can’t handle the pressure. 

Sara K. Runnels
Sara K. Runnels
Sara K. Runnels is a copywriter and humor writer living in Seattle, Washington. Her work has appeared in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Tinder messages, Gmail inboxes, group texts, Instagram captions, one Yelp review, several spec scripts her mom thinks are GREAT and hundreds of Twitter screenshots. Follow her all over the internet – @omgskr.