I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 33-year-old single comedian who loves The Bachelor and Bachelorette. I love it so much, I live tweet every episode @jtrain56. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
This is my annual preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for four years. When I first started Snapchat was just an app to see boobs and Instagram couldn’t help a person pay rent. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where they were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these monsters” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers and you could almost tell which of them were Instagram follower thirsty. This season, they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern who had to make sense of a sentence that somehow had the word “like” in it seven times. So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like standing next to me while I swipe a dating app, except I’m not pooping. Please enjoy and follow me on twitter (@jtrain56) or Instagram (@jaredfreid) where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.
Ya, I didn’t know that was her last name either.
Here’s the thing about Becca. She’s a pity pick. A quick recap just in case you bailed on the end of last season after Arie said “I love that” about a cloud. Becca was proposed to at the end of The Bachelor, Arie banged her a few times and made some weird home videos that looked like a Dateline episode where the husband kills his wife, then decided he wanted to be with Lauren. Arie then set up a whole creepy mansion for him to dump Becca. We all watched a VERY real moment. A guy who wouldn’t leave until he felt like he’d wrapped up a whole relationship (we do that), a girl who was in shock (who wouldn’t be), and a producer fully erect in the corner of the room because of all the great drama he just captured (I don’t know, but probably). Then the white women of this great nation rallied behind Becca. They marched, they made memes, they tweeted, they wore vagina hats, and that’s how we ended up with Becca as the Bachelorette. She was never a great character on the show. She had one date where she got shoes, then disappeared for a while until her uncle with a cane almost murdered Arie.
Do I feel bad for her? No. She now has a social media following and is the star of her own show which will double that following. She had a career in public relations so she has the skills to use that new audience to make money until we get tired of taking selfies and posting them on Instagram with a tint that makes us look thinner (never). And she also avoided this:
Look at that dog. Someone please rescue that dog!
We all felt badly for Becca, but this is the future she avoided. That could’ve been her in between the coffee table and the suicidal dog. To me, Becca won The Bachelor. Women supported her like a curvy girl who just posted a picture of herself in a two piece on Instagram, and she was rewarded with another 15 minutes of fame that never would’ve happened. Good for Becca. Maybe not so great for us considering we still couldn’t confidently pronounce her last name.
Alex is a 31-year-old construction manager from Atlanta who owns a boat and loves to ski. I’ll give you a moment to change your panties. It’s like he was invented in a Bachelorette lab. He looks like 50 other men who have been on this show, and he’s really the perfect mix of everything to be successful on the show. Most important is his age. Women watching the show very rarely factor age into the equation. A 25-year-old guy can’t handle 100k new female Instagram followers. A 31-year-old? He’ll have masturbated and fallen asleep after the fifth DM. I see Alex going far.
Blake and his hair that looks like it could be taken off his head like a hat call themselves a “modern romantic.” I honestly have no idea what that means. Does he put a bow tie around his balls before sending a dick pic? Blake also claims to be a great swing dancer. A swing dancer who calls himself a “Modern Romantic” is just a guy who stopped calling himself an “old soul” because his last girlfriend called him out for liking her best friend’s bikini pictures.
Chase looks like he was hired by a rich family to walk around and do magic at their large dinner party. Also, Chase is an “Advertising VP” in Sanford, Florida. How hard could that be? What’s the cutthroat advertising world like outside of Orlando? I imagine he just got promoted from wearing a sandwich board outside of a used car lot.
Here’s a quote from his bio: “He comes from a family of successful entrepreneurs that retired in their 40s, and he’s determined to do the same!”
Now, these aren’t interviews as much as they’re someone writing their main takeaway from a conversation. Is there any way for Chris to not be the worst person ever? The main takeaway is “I WILL RETIRE BY 40 LIKE MY PARENTS.” That’s what you wake up remembering about the most coked-out kid at the pregame who’s studying for the CFA. Let’s all hope Chris is this bad and we can watch safely from home.
Christian moved here from Mexico with his mother when he was three, which means we’re definitely visiting him at home, we’re definitely seeing him talk to his mom in Spanish, and we’re definitely going to hear how much he loves his mom for providing him with a better life. As if we’d hear the opposite from any other contestant. As if another contestant would point to his mom in the kitchen and be like, “This bitch cooks like shit” and we’d move on. Christian is also a banker from San Diego. I’m not sure how much banking goes on in San Diego other than when a kid cashes in their parents’ 401k distribution to pay rent, but maybe he’s good at helping people with the ATM when they can’t figure it out.
Christon is a former Harlem Globetrotter, which means we better be getting the most jaw-dropping limo entrance in Bachelorette history. If I don’t hear that whistle music as Christon leaps over Chris Harrison to dunk a rose onto Becca’s ear, then why are we even here? Christon also isn’t winning. He’s a “Pro Dunker” in LA. I don’t know a lot of retired pro dunkers. I do know a guy who tried to be a musician who now works at Arby’s. They seem to be more in line professionally.
Clay is a professional football player who claims he doesn’t curse. He seems boring, and he isn’t winning. But this gives me an opportunity to talk about the cast this season. Clay is the first of many pro and former pro athletes, and there are no servicemen. Pretty nuts. This show used to have at least five military people, and now there are none. It’s almost like the producers were like, “We want that bulky physique with, you know, money. Yes, that’s it, really in-shape men WITH money. Now we’re onto something.”
Colton is a 26-year-old former pro football player who had to stop playing due to an injury. He has a charitable organization that helps children fight Cystic Fibrosis and a dog named Sniper. Lastly, he dated Olympic gold medal winner Aly Raisman and he picked her up over social media. This guy might walk out of the limo, hand over his resume to Becca, wink at her, and then get a BJ in the bathroom. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that he might have the best resume in Bachelorette history. All it’s missing is a part about really enjoying his “How to eat pussy” class that he takes every Tuesday and Thursday and that nothing makes him happier than getting right back to texts. Is Sniper a yellow lab? If Sniper’s a yellow lab, I’ll blow him.
No girl should want to date Connor. He’s a fitness coach in St Petersburg, Florida who says that fitness is his “number one priority.” Is that what you want? It’s Sunday night and all you want to do is wear sweatpants and eat an ungodly amount of Chinese food. You look at Connor for moral support. A subtle nod of “I’m in to be fat together.” You say, “Let’s do Chinese” and he gets all annoyed. He talks about how rice is worse for you than eating a whole cake and how he has to wake up at 5am to train a 50-year-old divorcée. Wow. I can’t imagine a bigger nightmare.
You have to read between the lines of these interviews. Here’s what they say about Darius:
“His most important mission is to live a life of service by giving back to others. He travels frequently and has been to over 11 countries in the past few years.”
That, my friends, is a God guy. Anyone who uses the word “mission” and the phrase “life of service” while traveling to more countries than your friend calling herself a “Wanderlust” because she has a rich dad, is building houses and staying in places with no AC in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Darius won’t be winning unless he prays really hard that Becca used the Fantasy Suite with Arie to imagine future baby names.
David is a 25-year-old “Venture Capitalist” who enjoys golfing, skiing, and his parents’ beach house. I did you the favor of Googling “Venture Capitalist,” and it’s an investor who provides money to small businesses and start-ups to grow. They’re typically wealthy enough that they can afford to take the risks associated with funding unproven companies. Now, is David a “successful businessman?” I’m not convinced. I think David was at his parents’ beach house a year ago, stood up, and said, “I am a Venture Capitalist!” Then his mom yelled back from the kitchen, “YOU CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT, DAVID!” And then David sat back down and whispered to himself, “That’s right. Anything I want.” Then his mom brought him a sandwich and he yelled at her for not cutting off the crust.
Grant is a fourth generation electrician who claims he can handle sarcasm. This is how guys let girls know that their family will say some racist stuff. Grant heard the “grab ’em by the pussy” quote and didn’t see much of a problem with it, because that’s how his dad asks him to pass the wrench. I hope he makes it to hometowns.
Can we agree that Garrett looks like 50 guys who have already been on this show? He’s got Bachelorette Contestant Face. That’s any guy who could be anywhere from 25 to 35 and in a Lands’ End catalogue kayaking with a kid. None of us would be surprised to find Garrett in a fleece vest in the corner of a party not bringing anything to the table. Garrett also claims to have a great Chris Farley impression. If you’re not fat, I don’t want your good-looking, great body interpretation of Chris Farley. Please don’t piss on his grave with your ultra hydrated pee that has no traces of drugs and alcohol in it. All I’m saying is that your pee better look like Gatorade if you’re going to impersonate a great.
Jake claims to like writing poems. I’m not sure there could be anything worse to see in a bio for someone you might date. Imagine Jake sitting across from you at dinner, slipping a crumpled napkin across the table. You open it up and he asks you to read it. In front of him. He tells you the poem is about your first date (this is your third). Now, do you trust that you’re a good enough actress to pull off reading about how you remind him of an oak tree while not laughing and looking moved? None of us are that strong. Nope.
Jason is a “Sr Corporate Banker” who looks like he enunciates the word “SENIOR” when he tells you his job so you know his checkered sport coat is handmade. He claims to also have a “heart of gold” which is a big guy thing. We take old sayings you’ve heard on an old movie so you associate us with a time that didn’t have texting and guys ghosting and swiping apps where we’ve looked at a face and audibly scoffed at the idea of dating that person. So, Jason sounds awful from literally three words and a job title. Even worse, he likes to sing Disney songs. Yup, there’s a chance you guy are at a party and he confidently says, “Nobody sings Frozen better than I do” when nobody even mentioned Frozen or singing. Now, you’re just listening to a mediocre singer belting out a tune with a SENIOR banker confidence.
Jean Blanc has the most impressive bio of anyone on the show. It talks about immigrating to the United States, going to Duke, getting his Masters Degree, and working as an engineer. That’s basically the opposite of someone saying they “work in finance” because it’s not vague at all. Those items take hard work, and you could Google them all to find out if he’s lying. Here’s the catch: Jean Blanc is a cologne collector. Yup, he smells like shit from a mile away. You always know when Jean Blanc is coming or going. Jean Blanc is a walking diaper fire, and that’s not a guy who’s winning The Bachelorette. He’ll probably get out of the limo and Becca’s face will look like she just smelled a fart in a group fitness class and she wants to let everyone know it wasn’t her.
Joe left the stock exchange to own a grocery store. Some women will get nostalgic and be like, “That’s what Cory Mathews’ dad did on the show!” Then imagine a life living next to Mr Feeny and having with a girlfriend who’s too hot for him. Others will think, “Didn’t Amazon just get into the grocery business?” And think that Joe isn’t the type of decision maker that will win this show. Becca will be like, “Hey boys! Meet me at the restaurant for our date night!” and everyone will be at the restaurant and Becca will be like, “Where’s Joe?” and someone will be like, “Oh, Joe decided to take his horse and buggy and I think there was a line at the tollbooth. So he’s gonna be a minute.”
John from San Francisco has a bio that reads like he’s making fun of people from San Francisco: “John is a start-up company success story who’s working hard in the hustle and bustle of the Silicon Valley tech scene. When he’s not working, you can find him wine tasting, playing guitar or making his world-famous banana bread.”
You ever talk to someone living in San Fransisco? Here’s how it goes. You’ll be like, “Hey!” And they’ll be like, “Start-up, start-up, start-up. Silicon Valley, tech. Wine, Napa, Sonoma, I like red over white, weird hobby nobody has.” Well, John’s bio nailed every category except for his wine preference, and I promise you that’s his limo introduction.
When I first saw Jordan’s picture, I thought, “He’s too good-looking to win.” Then I read his bio and he’s a professional model living in some nowhere Florida town. That’s a recipe in Bachelor/Bachelorette world that means he’s going three rounds and then taking of his shirt on Bachelor In Paradise, followed by living off of Instagram photoshoots for the next 10 years.
Kamil is our most famous contestant on the show because he put “Social Media Participant” as his job. Isn’t that the most honest job title in Bachelor/Bachelorette history? That’s what they’re all here for. Why not say it? Would you rather date a guy who came onto a show with the aspiration to sell junk over a social media app or a girl who came on telling you she’s an “entrepreneur” who “loves to travel” but the only place she’s been is Mykonos because her dad was paying? I’m going with honest Kamil every damn time. I’m half expecting Kamil to whisper to Becca, “I have fluid going to my penis now” as they’re meeting. Good for Kamil. Love the honesty.
The Bachelor and Bachelorette have gotten a lot of crap about the racial aspect of the show. In their defense, I’ve seen other races on the programs. But I’ve never seen a man with long hair. Leo even says he “prefers the messy bun look.” I hate this guy as much as I’m jealous of him. If you can pull off the man bun, you’re crushing life. You look successful and jobless all at once. Women love that. They want a guy who could randomly be like, “Let’s just do Thailand” on a Wednesday and man bun Leo looks like the type. I hate you, Leo, but I respect the fact that you’re the Jackie Robinson of Bachelorette Man Buns. Good luck sir.
Lincoln is originally from Nigeria, lived in Boston, attended Kentucky, and now lives in California where he’s hoping to have a big family to make his mom proud. How hard must it be for Lincoln to explain to his mom the life detour he’s making to be on The Bachelorette? I’ve got to imagine she made all these sacrifices to get him to be a college graduate in America all the way from Nigeria and one day she gets a call telling her that “Account sales is cool, but I’ve got the chance to join 25 other guys who are trying to bang the same chick.” I’m not sure how “Bang the same chick” translates in Nigerian, but it’s still gotta be shocking.
Mike is our second contestant to integrate The Bachelorette with long-haired men. And I bet you didn’t expect this one, but Mike LOVES festivals. That might be the least surprising thing I’ve read on these bios. Mike looks like he’d be on a billboard outside of Bonnaroo covered in glitter with an ad reading, “Watch out for bad drugs” while he’s giving a thumbs up. Mike will probably come out of the limo wearing a thong with his hair in braided pigtails and he’ll say something like, “Just came from jam fest so I gotta change” and we’ll all just let it go because you can really look any way you want as an adult as long as you’re going to or coming from a festival. I’m going to go drown myself.
Nick, the attorney from Orlando, is going to be on this show for a bit. He has a “signature tracksuit” and he’s a self-proclaimed “weekend warrior” who “loves brunches, barbecues, and the beach.”
Let me tell you something about Nick. He’s got what’s called “Orlando confidence.” Guy lives in a third-tier city, puts on a tracksuit once, starts calling it his signature thing, and he’s always loudly talking about how he’s gonna have a “Triple B Weekend” before explaining hollandaise sauce to everyone. And honestly, who’s going to call him out? The idiot who barely graduated from Rollins who’s high on pills? No, he’s too concerned about his dad paying his rent.
Ricky wore a bowtie and he has an online personal training company. That’s all I need to know. This guy came on the show for a following. He’s gonna wear that bowtie as much as possible to create some sort of brand and for a half a minute we’ll be talking about “Bowtie Ricky.” He’ll get sent home and a year from now you’ll come across his instagram post where he’s wearing a bowtie on the treadmill and you’ll be like “Is that Bow Tie idiot?” And then you’ll hug your children a little tighter for not making the same life decisions as him.
Ryan looks like the face of the FriendZone. I can imagine him saying, “He’s a great dude” about a girl he likes new boyfriend. Ryan also plays the trombone, which is the least sexy instrument to play. That’s literally the sound a girl hears when she doesn’t cum after a guy finishes too quickly. One long trombone sound. So, ya, Ryan the friendzone faced trombone player isn’t winning. Sorry for the spoiler.
Here’s how I know 28-year-old Trent from Naples, Florida is a liar. His bio reads: “This animal lover from Carrol, IA moved to Florida to pursue a career as a realtor and a model.”
That is not what happened. Trent moved to Naples, Florida to become a model, because apparently he wanted to be discovered by some old Jewish woman; didn’t get much work because Naples isn’t LA; then took a realtor’s exam, because being a waiter wasn’t going to get him laid. Now he’s on a reality show at 28 years old which can suddenly resurrect his 22-year-old dreams and he’s going by a model/realtor. Feel free to come to me for all of your douche translation needs.
Wills loves Harry Potter. I gotta say, I’m pretty tired of adults masking a zero personality with a love for Harry Potter. They’re almost worse than dog people. If they bring up Harry Potter and you’re like, “Ya, it’s fine” they act like you took a dump on a Gryffindor flag. It’s time to relax with Harry Potter. It’s a fine book and you only saw the movies and you only keep bringing it up because you grew up during a boon economy and you saw a better future for yourself than the cubicle you currently sit in. So hocus pocus, bitch! Rent is due next week. Welcome to reality. Oh, and Wills seems nice and he has a good job so he’ll do ok on the show.