Okay, let’s talk about it. You know, the handy. The HJ. The reach-around. A date with Palmela Handerson. Twistin’ the tail. Rubbin’ the rooster. Or, the always fashionable, old-fashioned way of saying it: the hand job. When I first sat down to work today, I had planned on writing about summer fashion trends, but, apparently, hand job tips are in high-demand and always on trend, so who am I to deprive you all of very sage advice? Especially when said sage advice comes courtesy of a central figure from your sexy sesh — that’s right, you’re getting hand job advice from a guy. Grain of salt, yada yada (this is just one dude’s opinion, after all), but, as they say, the more you know? So whether you’re a nervous newcomer, a seasoned seductress, or you just want your partner to feel like they’re back in the glory days of high school again, get ready to talk about hand jobs.
1. Don’t Squeeze Too Hard
For some reason, there’s a myth out there that the penis is some indestructible wand waiting to be manhandled. Well, I’m going to dispel that myth right now. It’s not. In fact, the penis can be even more sensitive than his balls and his ego. As Otis Redding once said, try a little tenderness. The ideal grip strength should be about the same as when you’re driving a car. Firm and in control. Just remember, it’s a hand job, not a handshake. You’re not trying to squeeze hard enough to establish dominance. (Unless that’s what your partner is into.)
2. Set A Consistent Rhythm
A consistent rhythm is the most important feature of a great hand job — to start at least. You know that friend who skips songs every 30 seconds before you can get into any of them? That’s what it feels like when you constantly switch up the tempo. Play around until you figure out the speed your partner responds to the most, then hit mental cruise control. Feel free to zone out and make grocery lists in your head — or whatever it is girls do when giving a hand job.
3. Get That Wrist Going
As numerous Migos songs tell us, it’s all about the flicka da wrist. Going up and down all day is for elevators. In order to give a truly next-level HJ you gotta add some torque on that thing. While you’re stroking, rotate your wrist like the throttle on a motorcycle, twisting one way as you’re going up and then the opposite way as you’re going down. If you’re doing it right, it should feel kind of like using a screwdriver, with a better end result than IKEA furniture. Word of caution: no one likes an skin burn, so before attempting this technique make sure you…
4. Use Lubrication
Ever ridden a dry Slip ‘N Slide? No? I guess I’m the only one with a shitty uncle. The point is, friction can be the enemy, but lubrication is our salvation. Not only will lubrication feel better for your partner, the smooth glide will also mean less effort for you. (And we’re always all about low-effort sex.) And because I’m looking out for humanity, I’ll give you a tip: Coconut oil is your best choice for hand jobs. It’s vegan, environmentally friendly, and tastes great if you plan on taking it to the next level. HOWEVER, it’s not great if you plan on using a condom later. Coconut oil will straight-up tear a hole in that Trojan. The more you know. Speaking of taking it to the next level…
5. If It Feels Right, Take Things To The Next Level
Only you can and should set your own pace when hooking up. And, if the mood is right, you might want to level up, so to speak. Because, IMO, a hand job is best enjoyed as an appetizer. And not an appetizer you can make into a meal, like pan-fried dumplings or a flatbread. Hand jobs are chips and salsa. They’re a tremendous way to pass the time while I wait for the main course. A total crowd-pleaser. But, of course, if you love chips and salsa as a main, you do you. Who am I to deprive you of your fave girl dinner?
So there you have it, a comprehensive tip sheet on tugging. Now, go out there and get some hands-on experience.
Images: Ian Dooley / Unsplash
