Today we’re going to talk about one of the greatest inventions in the history of the human race: the handy, the HJ, the reach around, a date with Palmela Handerson, twistin’ the tail, rubbin’ the rooster, the always fashionable old-fashioned, the hand job. I wanted to write about summer fashion trends, but apparently hand job tips are a very highly requested topic, so who am I to deprive you all of very sage advice? Whether you’re a nervous newcomer, a seasoned seductress, or you just want your man to feel like he’s back in the glory days of high school again, let’s talk about hand jobs and how you can give a better one.
1. Don’t Squeeze Too Hard
For some reason there’s a myth out there that the penis is some indestructible wand waiting to be manhandled. Well I’m going to dispel myth that right now. It’s not. In fact, it’s the most sensitive part of a man besides his balls and his ego. As Otis Redding once said, try a little tenderness. The ideal grip strength should be about the same as when you’re driving a car. Firm and in control. Just remember, it’s a hand job, not a handshake. You’re not trying to squeeze hard enough to establish dominance (unless that’s what he’s into.)
2. Consistent Rhythm
Consistent rhythm is the most important feature of a great hand job. You know that friend who skips songs every 30 seconds before you can get into any of them? That’s what it feels like when you constantly switch up the tempo. Jack rabbit one minute, slow motion the next? Zero fun for anyone. Play around until you figure out the speed he responds to the most, then hit mental cruise control and zone out and make grocery lists in your head, or whatever it is girls do when giving a hand job.
3. Get That Wrist Going
Like cooking crack (as I have gathered from numerous Migos songs) or wearing a watch, it’s all about the flicka da wrist. Hand jobs are no different. Going up and down all day is for elevators. In order to give a truly next level HJ you gotta add some torque on that thing. While you’re stroking, rotate your wrist like the throttle on a motorcycle, twisting one way as you’re going up and then the opposite way as you’re going down. If you’re doing it right, it should feel kind of like using a screwdriver, but instead of making more crappy IKEA furniture, you’re making him lose his mind. Word of caution: no one likes an Indian burn, so before attempting this technique make sure you use plenty of…
4. Lubrication
Ever ridden a dry Slip N Slide? No? I guess I’m the only one with a shitty uncle. The point is, friction is the enemy and lubrication is our salvation. Not only will it feel better for him, the smooth glide will also mean less effort for you. And because I’m looking out for humanity, I’ll give you a tip: Your best choice for giving him a helping hand is coconut oil. It’s vegan, environmentally friendly, and tastes great if you plan on taking it to the next level. HOWEVER, it’s not great if you plan on using a condom later. Coconut oil will straight-up tear a hole in that Trojan. The more you know. Speaking of taking it to the next level…
5. Take It To The Next Level
We’re not junior high kids testing out what we just learned in sex ed (and if you are, stop listening to Lil Pump and seek professional help). We’re adults. We’ve got rent to pay and partners to please. At best, a hand job is an appetizer. And not an appetizer you can make into a meal like pan fried dumplings or a flatbread. Hand jobs are chips and salsa. They’re a tremendous way to pass the time while you wait for the main course. Obviously don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. What you do or don’t do is entirely up to you. I’m just another idiot on the internet, not your conscience. I’m just saying that even with all the tips in the world, nobody can beat your man’s meat better than he can. Sorry, I don’t make the facts, I just tell ’em straight.
So there you have it, a comprehensive tip sheet on tugging. Now go out there and get some hands-on experience.
Images: Ian Dooley / Unsplash
