The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Whaboom

Last night we met all of the guys who will be competing for Fit Tea endorsements, a Bachelor in Paradise invitation, and least of all, Rachel Lindsay’s love—and it’s like holy shit, do all of these guys have seriously deep issues… and like, all the same names? Josiah, Jedidah, Diggy, Iggy, Bryce, Bryan, Brady, Blake—it’s like 19 Kids and Counting.

Here’s what went down on the first episode of The Bachelorette.

Chris Harrison walks out of the house and does his classic season opener where he tells us that this Bachelorette is better than all the last.

Chris: We’ve seen seen many Bachelorettes in our history but never have we seen one .… don’t say with dark skin damn it Chris DON’T SAY DARK SKIN … so beloved.

After a few fake scenes of watching Rachel (I keep accidentally wanting to call her Lindsay) walk in and out of a court room yelling “I object”, we jump into meeting the bros.

Legally Blonde

Kenny — Professional wrestler i.e. Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King. Pulled a good move by telling Rachel about his ridiculous job and quickly mopping up the mess by letting her know he has a daughter. TBH isn’t his daughter like, way too big to be jumping up on her dad like that?

Jack Stone — Strong name, even stronger teeth. They were shockingly white. I think he’s probably used up every influencer on Instagram’s teeth whitening discount codes so he came on his show to get his own. Use code JackStone for 10% Off Express Smile Atlanta ☺

Alex — Russian man making various Russian meats with his parents. Why isn’t he already with Kristina?

Mohit — Is it weird that I shadily loved Mohit? Even though I question his choice to tell everyone he competitively Bollywood dances, he got drunk but in a way that was so adorable you sort of wanted to root for him. Like when the other guys were coaching him to interrupt a conversation or when Rachel (I typed Lindsay again DAMN IT) and Bryan kissed he whispered nooooo from a distance while air swimming. Oh well, bye Mohit. 

Lucas aka Whaboom — A lot to say about Whaboom. The producers were clearly looking for a male version of Corinne and that simply doesn’t exist so they just picked a guy off the streets that looks like he’s on a mild strain of crack. I feel like whaboom is just a word that millennials are using to get prescribed more Adderall because the doctors are on to them and the old excuses of “can’t concentrate” and “can’t keep my room clean.”

Whaboom

Lucas or any millennial: But Doc I have whaboom… ::WHABOOOOOOOOOM::
Doctor: Holy. Shit. Here’s a 20, now please leave I need to take a Xanax.

Blake — Aspiring drummer. He says he works out to build his testosterone level and has a large penis. He also loves talking about sex with girls. Let’s do a true bio:

Blake… Physical trainer, I just got fired so I have to talk about my drumming aspirations. I work out really hard to build my testosterone in hopes that it will reverse my being gay. I do not love to have sex with girls; in fact, I have never touched a boob. My penis is not large and I have ED.

Did we nail that one?

Josiah — He clearly has a really sad back story, is a lawyer, seems super smart (at least he did on his awkward fake lawyer phone call during the opener) and on paper he seems really perfect for Rachel… at first. But when you see him in the house he seems like he likes to stir shit and now we’re not so sure anymore. Plus 3 for his word play: See you later litigator, what a knee-slapper! I bet that Chris Harrison’s just proud to say that he’s the first guy to go from the hood to the Bachelor Mansion.

Diggy — Cute but a shoe hoarder. I know I know, men love their sneakers, but 575 pairs? He says his job is an “inventory analyst” and it is entirely possible that this just means he sits in his room and counts his shoes every day. “Yup gang’s all here!”

Gang's All Here Spongebob

The One Where Rachel Sits Down With Her “Squad”

Kristina and Raven both looked like they were about to stab Rachel in the eyes.

There were so many of those girls there it’s as if the producers asked if they could all come thinking like 3 would say no but they all have nothing to do so they all said yes and refused to give up their spot and so that’s why there were 6 of them there saying nonsense that no one could understand.

Corinne: Just let your emotions take control. Just let your emotions say yes. And nope.

I want to say that it was really great how Raven can channel her deep jealous rage into pretending to feel emotionally happy and tearful for Rachel but it actually looked like she was going to gauge Rachel’s eyes out.

Rachel: I love my squad because that’s what the producers told me to say!

Okay Back To The Bros

Peter — First guy out of the limo and if he ever dies his last words will be the 5 best places to visit in Wisconsin. Brought up his hometown about 675 times since he stepped out of that limo. “I’m actually from Wisconsin! Have you tried our cheese curds?”

He and Rachel have nothing in common except for the gaps between their teeth. “It’s not my fault you’re so gap toothed” will be their wedding hashtag. That or #ifuckinglovewisconsin

Jonathan: “I’m always the first person to make someone laugh”. Umm Jonathan is like the last person to make anyone laugh…maybe scream…scream for help.

Ugh Jonathan’s way of making Rachel laugh was to tickle her which is such a violation of personal space and not a way a girl wants to be made to laugh. It’s actually is a form of torture. Has anyone seen Tickled, the incredible documentary exposing competitive endurance tickling!!?? Oh my god does Jonathan work for Jane O’Brien Media?

Jonathan Tickle Monster

Dean — Brought up the fact that he said the awkward “black and never going back” thing during the After the Final Rose AGAIN. Nothing worse than someone making a joke and then having to discuss the joke afterwards, especially when it was like a few weeks ago. Also she wasn’t going to say she didn’t like it to your face. Rachel might be sweet, sour, sassy, and classy but she’s not mean.

Bryan — Was Bryan not the most meh choice for First Impression Rose ever?

Bryan: “Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en… en la azul… markada.”
Rachel: “Will you accept this rose?”

Then they like, ate each other’s faces which was really unpleasant to watch. I’m going to love watching Bryan try to continue speaking Spanish because he thinks that’s what turns her on and Rachel being like, “alright do you have any other tricks?”

Her rose speech to him: 

“From the moment you walked out the limo I felt there was something there was unexplainable… perhaps it was that I couldn’t understand what you were saying since it was in Spanish…”

SIDE NOTE OBSERVATIONS ABOUT GUYS WHOSE NAMES I CAN’T REMEMBER SINCE THERE ARE 400 OF THEM:

That guy she knew from 8th grade — He was v. serious when he came out of the limo. So serious it seemed like he might be a serial killer. Like he was Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison. Came for revenge. Crossed out his hit list with lipstick.

What was up with Adam and the doll? Did I miss something? Why was he speaking French? Why was the doll’s facial features drawn on with such precision? I definitely missed something.

AJ Doll Bachelorette

When did that other guy have a chance to change into the penguin costume? Again, the producers are trying hard to recreate last season and it’s not working. Long live the shark dolphin.

First Confrontation Of The Season, Blake vs. Lucas

Blake: Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion that pinches your nipples. — Dude, what goes on at your family reunions?

Blake obviously has a lot of pent-up sexual aggression so he decided to direct it all at Whaboom. Little does our Little Drummer Boy know that because Whaboom has concussed himself to oblivion, he does not care what Drummy Mc Small Dick has to say. WHABOOOOOM.

It’s almost as if Whaboom has got himself stuck in an Ace Ventura Movie and hasn’t figured his way out.

Everyone was really pissed Lucas got a rose….

Guy 1: no way whaboom is making it past tonight
Guy 2: whaboom ain’t gettin’ no rose
Marine: I’m a marine, there’s no way he’s getting the rose over me
Rachel: Whaboom, do you accept this rose?

All the guys:

White Guy Blinking Meme

But they were all pissed for different reasons. One was like, “so much for that fake grandparents love story.” The other was like, hysterically crying because he couldn’t wear all of his outfits. Which is like totally a fit I would throw at camp, by the way.

This season is really shaping up to a be a shit show, and we can’t wait. All these guys come in kind of sort of normal, not that aggressive and end up beating the living shit out of each other. It’s like the producers of The Bachelor watched the movie Get Out and were like “Wait! I have an idea…”

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