The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Finale Recap You’ll Ever Read, Part 1: Literally What Did I Just Watch?

Wow, where do we begin? First of all: let’s agree to never do this Finale/After The Final rose mashup again, k? I get that like, they literally had to do it because Peter employed his handsome gap-toothed treachery to undermine the entire premise of the show, but never again. It was like, really boring, and overwhelming emotionally.

Yes, I did just say an episode of The Bachelorette was overwhelming emotionally. I see no problems there.

Fantasy Suite With Peter

The show wastes no time presenting us with the central question of the entire episode: Why the fuck would Peter come on The Bachelorette if he had such strong feelings about marriage and proposals? Like, yes these feelings are valid in the real world, but this isn’t the real world. This is a reality show where people who have been dating for two weeks declare their undying love for each other by exchanging roses at the top of a mountain. Get with it.

Let the crying begin. One the bright side, Rachel’s eyes are like, perfect for crying. They’re so big.

Peter: I just don’t know if I can propose.
Rachel: If you fuck this up and force me to save face and choose Bryan I will come to Wisconsin and burn down your CrossFit gym all that you hold dear.

After all that fighting, Peter and Rachel wake up from the fantasy suite looking more like two people who just fucked than any two people I’ve ever seen in my life.

No makeup Rachel has no business looking that beautiful. Peter with his shirt off is literally NC17. I had to ask my boyfriend to leave the room while he was on screen.

Straight up these two make such a pretty couple. They’re like the gorgeous interracial couple that dies in the beginning of a horror movie. Their fatal flaw? Being too beautiful.

Fantasy Suite With Bryan

Right off the bat, Bryan starts saying weird shit like “I love Rachel tremendously,” but all I can hear is “I have fake cheeks and am looking for a mommy.”

Bryan is so, so down to get engaged, which is insane for real life but makes sense in the world of The Bachelor. Like, I will at least give Bryan props for understanding the basic premise of the show.

Rachel isn’t able to concentrate on Bryan because she can’t stop thinking about the time she fucked Peter.

Bryan: You seem distracted.
Rachel: I just want Peter to propose to me so I don’t have to spend time with you—I mean, what?

Chris Harrison: How close were you to turning down the fantasy suite with Peter?
Rachel (Externally): Very close. It was a very difficult decision.
Rachel (Internally): Lol have you seen Peter? I was never leaving Spain without hitting that. Chris Harrison, you crazy.

Rachel goes to dinner with Bryan dressed like a vampire queen, probably as a subtle way to communicate, “If you don’t propose to me at the end of this I will drain your body of [silicone] blood.” She will take this look too far later in the episode, but for now it’s good.

Bryan finally addresses that the date didn’t feel good.

Bryan: What changed?
Rachel: I fucked Peter. Nothing.

Ugh okay well Rachel was never going to keep Bryan around this long and not try some of that Colombian blend if ya know what I mean…

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Rose Ceremony

We get to the rose ceremony and it’s like “Omg is Eric still there?”

Rachel amps up the vampire look by like, a thousand and for the first time ever I am not feeling her look.

I’m sorry but this shit looks like Game of Thrones cosplay.

Rachel: **Shows up wearing this look**

Me:

 

Party City Rachel gives Bryan and his cheeks the first rose, then she gives some long-ass speech that is clearly directed at Peter.

Rachel (Externally): **long-ass speech about being here for a proposal**
Rachel (Internally): Don’t think I won’t send you home and marry Bryan because I fucking will, you gorgeous silver-haired snack of a man. I did not come here to play.

We all knew Eric was going home, but Eric definitely did not know Eric was going home, and it’s actually kind of sad.

Eric gives another one of his incomprehensible speeches that only Rachel seems to understand but somehow I am also crying?

Cut to: After The Final Rose, where Eric rolls in with the traditional “I got kicked off The Bachelorette” beard.
Eric: How is your heart?
Rachel: I mean, I can’t really answer that right now, but you’ll soon see that it is not good.

You think that’s it?! Continue on to our Part 2 Bachelorette Finale Recap here!