Into each generation a slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the f*ckboys, finance bros, and the Here For The Wrong Reasons forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number. She is the Slayer.
Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! Though just for tonight I’ll be rebranding my recaps to match the the Buffy x Bachelor crossover production gave us this week when Katie, the former bank marketing manager from Washington, revealed her true form: a f*ckboy slayer. Truly the energy we all never knew we needed.
In true Bachelor/ette fashion, ABC continued to beat the dead horse storyline that is Thomas’ vilification and so this week’s episode focused entirely on him. If you’ll recall, during the truth circle last week, Thomas revealed—TO KATIE’S FACE!!—that he only went on the show to increase his Instagram following. Bold. Then he tried to walk back that statement by amending that he’s not only here for the Instagram likes… he’d also like to be the next Bachelor too, okay!!
Look, I know I’m supposed to hate Thomas, but it’s hard to hate someone who has the IQ of a Fruit Roll-up. When he speaks it’s like watching an alien life force attempt to infiltrate humanity—and fail miserably at it. When he’s not absolutely butchering the English language (ex: demonsterization), he’s unwittingly filleting his own character over the ever-burning fires of his own stupidity. Give me a true villain and I’ll verbally roast his essence every week in this recap. But Thomas? He has all the diabolical energy of a Blue’s Clues episode. If he was truly that duplicitous he wouldn’t be so destructively honest rn. The man has no sense of self-preservation!
Perhaps no one in the house is out to get Thomas quite like Tre is. Though Thomas is not even on the group date this week, Tre decides to add him to the itinerary by literally never shutting tf up about him.
TRE AT THIS COCKTAIL PARTY RN:
We should totally just stab
Tre tells Katie that Thomas declared to the house that he only came on this how to be the Bachelor which is… a stretch. What Thomas actually said was that it’s crossed his mind before that he could be the Bachelor, not that he specifically came on the show for that reason. It’s cute that Tre thinks Thomas is the only one thinking about how to elongate his career on the franchise. You think Mr. Canadian Firefighter over there whose audition tape looked like a deleted scene from Magic Mike isn’t thinking about being the next Bachelor?? Please.
Also, Tre, who do you think you are? Sir, you’re no Kim Kardashian. Leave the snake hunting to the experts.
One of the things that bothers me the most about this witch hunt is that the men keep talking about how vulnerable Katie is and how they’re just looking out for her well-being. I think Tre even calls her a victim at one point. It all feels so patronizing and condescending. She’s not some fragile doll. Like, if anyone can figure this out for herself it’s Katie. The woman has her own vibrator! Haven’t you heard? She’s self-possessed!
Sure enough, the group date spirals into the Thomas show. Katie gets out her talking stick and passes it around to the group, where they all collectively sh*t on Thomas. Why they aren’t using this time to, I don’t know, woo Katie is beyond me. As Andrew S. so poetically put it, they’re all acting like real Buzz Killingtons.
The “off with his head” energy follows Thomas into the rose ceremony, where the men are circling his carcass like vultures do with almost-dead roadkill. Sensing this, Thomas tracks down Katie before the ceremony to set the record straight. Honestly, his first smart move. He says that he hasn’t been able “to have dialogues in the house” which is the source of some of the tension between himself and the other men. Translation: the camera hasn’t even filmed him this week. The nerve!
Again, I think Thomas’ main problem is that he’s too honest. Like, this is reality TV. There’s no room for truths on this franchise! He tries to explain the miscommunication to Katie and it’s like watching a live action version of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. The communication breakdown is astounding. He’s like, “I’ll sign a contract saying I’ll never be the bBachelor!” Bro, the fact that you sound like you’re quoting directly from a social media talent agent’s script is not helping your case!
Cut to the rose ceremony where there are 12 roses up for grabs. Katie gets down to the last one and calls Thomas up. The guys are all wearing identical expressions of shocked outrage. The energy behind Justin’s surprised facial expressions alone could have been used to fuel NASA spaceships. In that moment it looks like evil will prevail, that Thomas’ good looks and rock-hard abs will live to gaslight another day. And then a truly beautiful thing happens: Katie puts Thomas in a f*cking body bag.
When Thomas walked up to collect his rose and Katie physically recoiled, I think I may have gasped out loud. But she doesn’t stop there. Oh no, she proceeds to give him the tongue lashing of his f*cking life. It’s like watching a verbal exorcism. I have never seen the color drain from someone’s face so quickly. Meanwhile, Katie is glowing. It’s like she’s channeling the energy of the entire women’s suffrage movement combined with the raw star power of a Beyoncé music video. I’m riveted.
KATIE: What I learned about you tonight is that you’re selfish, unkind, and a liar.
ME, ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:
She sends Thomas packing and I’m stunned into silence. Every hero needs their origin story. Buffy had her Hellmouth full of demons and Katie has a demon boy with one hell of a mouth. And thus, the f*ckboy slayer was born. I’ve never been prouder, girlfriend!
We Found Greg’s Kryptonite
Would it be my recap if I didn’t highlight the shining star of the season, Greg Grippo, at least once in his own section? I think not. Lately, Greg has seemed like the clear front-runner. He landed himself the first impression rose and the first one-on-one date of the season. And while he might be good at looking adorable in flannel and making every woman in America consider relocating to New Jersey, this week during the group date his kryptonite was finally revealed.
For the group date the men were tasked with a “truth or dare” type obstacle course. Host Kaitlyn tells them that they should prepare for an “emotional rollercoaster” and it’s like, you already held them hostage in that group therapy confessional last week. What’s next? A blood oath? Also, let’s talk about the intricacies of this group date. The dares involved binge eating pasta and gorging on Twinkies. It’s during the latter that Mike the virgin looks like he needed to call his pastor and ask if it’s okay to eat something so phallic.
The truths are equally baffling. At one point, the guys have to whisper dirty talk into a gigantic ear, which, unbeknownst to them, is being recorded for Katie and the hosts to cackle over in the corner. The only “truth” I’m learning from this group date is that Katie’s sense of humor is dick jokes.
What’s worse is that when it’s Greg’s turn to dirty talk—angel on earth, redeemer of the male species, little cutie Greg—instead of delivering punny banter or filthy compliments, he decides to go with butchering United States’ geography.
THE PRODUCERS: Just say something sexy!
GREG: The capital of Idaho is Boise.
For the first time all season I’m starting to question the sex appeal of Greg. Is he hot or am I just a sucker for ABC editing? Then we get to the dare that involves tase testing peppers. Greg has never looked whiter than in that moment when he’s choking on mild spices. None of this bothers Katie. If anything, she’s more smitten than ever. She gushes over the fact that Greg spit out an “I love you” during the pepper tasting challenge. Never mind that he was being tortured with spices for the admission. We’ll take what we can get!
Another standout human this week? Andrew S. He was the only one who treated Katie like a grown woman capable of assessing her own feelings during the Thomas fiasco and appeared to be the only one willing to woo her during the cocktail portion of the group date. While the rest of the men used their one-on-one time to gossip like they had downtime in a high school band rehearsal, he set up a cute little taco spread and actually made the night about her. What a strategy. Honestly, he’s so cute, I’ll even forgive him for wearing that turtleneck.
The Return of Blake
During the Thomas debacle earlier in the episode, host Tayshia tells us that she has just the thing to turn Katie’s frown upside down: her sloppy seconds. That’s right, kids, Blake is back! For those who don’t remember, Blake was on both Clare and Tayshia’s seasons of The Bachelorette. He’s the kind of person who looks hot on paper until he opens his goddamn mouth. He spent the majority of time on the franchise crying, stirring up drama, and just generally ruining the sex appeal of beards.
But for some reason Katie seems immediately taken with Blake. She’s like, “he called me bold, so he really gets me.” GIRL. “Bold” was his favorite synonym to use on Clare’s season! He’s recycling it here because his vocabulary is about as varied as a Hustlers’ mag article.
She does ask if he only sought her out for fame. I mean, it’s a fair question seeing as this is his THIRD season of The Bachelorette in six months. He tells her that he’s only here for her and could even see himself getting engaged to her by the end of this season. ENGAGED BY THE END OF THIS SEASON?! He just met her! She’s a stranger to him! Why do I feel like Blake’s idea of intimacy is wanting to be so close to a woman that he’d wear her skin as a suit?
In the end, Katie gives Blake the last rose from the rose ceremony. After kicking Thomas to the curb, she rushes over to Blake’s hotel room where he… answers the door in his Spider Man underoos, barely comprehensible with his nighttime retainer. Christ. Just remember, this was your choice, Katie!
And on that note, I’m outtie. Until next week, betches!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); @bitchelorette_ /Twitter (1); @scde_de /Twitter (1)