The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: This Is A Hostage Situation

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Welcome back to the Betches’ Bachelor recap! We’re now on day two, hour four (OUT OF FIVE!!) of this hostage situation otherwise known as The Bachelor’s production schedule. At this point it feels like these episodes could be used as some sort of war-time torture method, because I would give up state secrets and the location of the last horcrux to not have to micro-analyze one more house disagreement over champagne. With that in mind, let’s just skip the BS and get right into the recap!

Monday night’s episode ended with Shiann dropping a major bombshell on Peter. After her elimination during the Costa Rica rose ceremony she let Peter know that—GASP!—some of the women are not there for the right reasons. I’m not sure what gave them away, Shiann—the fact that their bio line reads “swipe up and use code HannahAnn1” instead of  the standard “professional nanny” or “marketing manager,” or that literally every group date has been a modeling agent’s wet dream—but good on you for figuring it out, girl!

Peter seems equally unfazed by this revelation, as it’s not even addressed in the first few moments of the episode. Instead we learn that Peter and his ladies are headed off to Santiago, Chile for another week of living, laughing, and loving. Peter says that this week is about to get “hot and spicy,” and he says that with far too much confidence for a man who is sporting a bandaid the size of a maxi pad on his forehead rn.

Just… no. 

Hannah Ann’s One-On-One Date

Peter is feeling hopeful that by eliminating Lexi and Shiann, two girls who never started any drama in the house, last week, the remainder of his journey to find love will be smooth sailing. Lol k. He wants this to be more about the connections and less about refereeing fights over who uses alcohol to mask their pain and who just likes to get drunk and cry by the pool for perfectly reasonable reasons. He decides to test this theory out by asking Hannah Ann on the first one-on-one date of the week, and he does this right in front of the other girls as if Tammy isn’t going to set fire to everything Hannah Ann holds dear. 

Okay, I’m dying at these two speaking Spanish to each other as if the last time they spoke the language wasn’t during their high school Spanish class. I would LOVE to get a translator in here to see what they’re really saying to each other. I mean, Hannah Ann can’t even string a sentence together in English without completely butchering it. Please. 

As they explore Santiago, we’re told that Hannah Ann is the “fun one” of the group, but I would like to see some more evidence of that. Is this because Peter rubbed food all over her face and she didn’t immediately murder him for it? Is that the baseline for having a personality these days? Because if so, I’ve got that in spades.

Peter brings up some concerns about Hannah Ann’s age, but I’m confused. Aren’t half the girls who are left still, like, a semester away from graduating college? Maybe don’t say you want a mature woman and then eliminate almost every girl who could tell you what a 401k is, hmm?

Peter asks if she’s ever been in love before, and the answer she gives is similar to the one I’ve used when a guy asks me if I’ve orgasmed after exactly two minutes of foreplay. She’s like “yes, definitely, OF COURSE. But also…”  Yes, Peter, you should be scared. 

PETER ON THIS DATE RN:

Peter brings up her age AGAIN during the dinner portion of the date, so I guess he’s really concerned about this. He’s like “so where do you see yourself in five years? Married? With kids?” and it’s like, crickets in the room. 

Honestly, I understand where Peter’s coming from here. He’s pushing 30 and she still thinks Comic Sans is a professional font. I don’t think any girl under the age of 26 should be on this show. If you’re still on your parents’ health insurance, then you’re too young to have exhausted all of your options for love. You just are! You don’t need this show. And Hannah Ann is what, 23? When I was her age, my most mature relationship was with the guy at Vito’s Pizza who wouldn’t charge me for a side of ranch if I showed him my bra strap. I certainly wasn’t ready for marriage, or kids, or a relationship with a guy who called me during daylight hours. 

She says something about “diving into the shallow waters of life,” and that’s the biggest indicator about her age, because I’m sure she stole that quote off of the Marilyn Monroe poster hanging on her bedroom wall. 

While Peter is having a tough time coming to terms with Hannah Ann’s age, you know what he isn’t having a tough time with? The back of her throat. Working out fundamental issues in your relationship by letting a guy dry hump you to completion in a back alley behind a restaurant is suuuuuch a 23-year-old way to handle the issue. But brava, Hannah Ann, because it works! He gives her the rose and I can’t wait to see what other sage words of wisdom she’ll be able to bring to their relationship, pulled straight from her Pinterest board. I’m thinking something along the lines of “beer before liquor, never been sicker,” but I guess only time will tell. 

The Group Date 

I love that ABC is like “what’s there to do in Chile? Telenovelas!” Yeah, that doesn’t feel problematic at all. For the group date, the girls will be acting out a telenovela, and you can tell some of them are going to need a translator here, because they’re giving far too many blank stares for a date where they’ll get the opportunity to be in front of a camera again. Perk up, MyKenna! Just think of what it will do for your brand!

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Okay, Kelley being cast as Peter’s grandma while the rest of the women get to be bored housewives or hot divorcées is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. 

KELLEY: At the end of the day I’m just going to say incest is best on this one.

Oh, Kelley. Remember three weeks ago when you didn’t want to participate in the pillow fight group date because it might make you look unprofessional, and now you’re making incest jokes on national television? What would your clients say if they could see you now?

I love that MyKenna thinks she relates most to the role of a maid as she dusts one of the tables with the wrong end. Sure, Jan.

MYKENNA ON THIS DATE RN:

Moving into the cocktail portion of the evening, Peter is like “wow you all are stunning, I’m so shocked you’re here for me. Seriously, why? Explain yourselves.” I would like to hear this too, Peter!

Is it just me or does it feel like Hot Victoria is hoping Peter sends her home tonight? I just can’t think of another explanation for why she came dressed like it’s the “hoes & CEOs” mixer at her sorority house. 

Okay, WAIT. Is PETER dumping HER?! If anything I thought she would see herself out. I’m truly shocked that he wouldn’t hold onto her until at least the Fantasy Suites. He tells her that he just doesn’t see her as his wife, and that’s shocking to hear considering the girls he has left in this game. Exhibit A:

Damn. I can’t believe she’s really leaving! Peter asks if he can walk her out and Hot Victoria physically recoils. She’s looking at him like girls with asses like hers do not get dumped by guys with faces like his, and she’s right. 

Elsewhere, Tammy refuses to learn her lesson about starting sh*t in the house. Since her attack on Kelsey didn’t go over so well, she’s set her sights on MyKenna and, honestly, I’m disappointed in her. MyKenna? Really? I get that she’s an easy target and all, but that feels a little too much like going for the low-hanging fruit—even for me! And that’s sort of my whole thing. 

Tammy asks MyKenna if she has any responsibilities outside of this show and it’s like, of course she doesn’t, sweetie. She has a blog that makes $2K a year in revenue and a daddy who thinks a viable excuse for her using the emergency Amex card is that she needed to buy new Yeezys for her Instagram’s vibe.  

Madison gets the group date rose, and it makes a lot of sense because she’s been playing this game like a PRO. I’ve barely seen her on my television screen this entire season, and that’s the way you want to play it. You don’t want to be involved in the drama (Tammy) and you don’t want to start off strong only to have your connection fizzle out later (Hot Victoria). Take it from Catherine Lowe—under the radar is exactly where you want to be. 

Victoria F’s One-On-One Date

Victoria F gets the second one-on-one date of the week and she starts on a good note, by reminding the good folks back home that one time she banged Chase Rice. Subtle. She’s like “I’m not sure if you remember but my ex-boyfriend, Chase Rice, really sabotaged my last one-on-one date even though I’m totally over him, and by ‘him’ I mean Chase Rice. Chase Rice as in the musician Chase Rice. Chase Rice.” Say crack Chase Rice one more time, Victoria! 

Also, I’m sure Chase Rice isn’t losing sleep at night when he’s watching you and Peter square dance on a horse farm, but please do go on. 

CHASE RICE: Do I still want Victoria?
PETER AND VICTORIA CURRENTLY:
CHASE RICE: Nah, I’m good. 

While the date starts out well (or however one would describe what my eyeballs witnessed on that dude ranch), Victoria F admits to Peter that she’s really struggling here. She’s so shy and timid and blah, blah, blah. God, I can’t with this whole insecure act anymore. Poor Victoria. But you know what? I’m sure a sudden photoshoot would turn that frown right around! She’s always talking about what a wallflower she is, and then the second there are cameras, an audience, or a chance to win Revolve’s spring line, she’s suddenly a social f*cking butterfly. Please.

Moving into the cocktail portion of the evening, Victoria F is still being the biggest Debbie Downer. You can tell Peter as at his wit’s end with her. She keeps saying how she doubts her relationship with him and it’s like, actually you’ve had more alone time with him than anyone. You’ve had two one-on-one dates and every rose ceremony you get to rub one out on each other. What more do you want from the man!?

I love how she’s like “this is the most I’ve ever tried with anyone!!!” as if Peter should be so grateful for this fact. I bet Chase Rice and his DMs would beg to differ. 

I will say, I appreciate how direct Peter is being with all of the girls this season. He’s outright asking about their intentions now, instead of waiting until the end of the line when his only option is to jump a fence. Usually when I’m on a date, my idea of being “direct” and “defining the relationship” is asking the guy to pass me a napkin, and then if he does it that’s confirmation enough that we’re exclusive and getting married soon, and somehow that just never works in my favor. It’s crazy.

PETER: No one has ever given me this much sh*t before and I think I might be… hard? Will you accept this rose?

Modern dating, ladies and gentlemen. 

The 2-On-1 Date: Tammy vs. MyKenna

Tbh, I was expecting more from the infamous 2-on-1 date. Tammy and MyKenna feel like a pretty random pairing for this. Sure, they had beef this episode, but otherwise we haven’t really seen them interact. What gives, ABC?

MyKenna launches into this very pretty speech about how she’s a strong-ass woman just living her truth, and it’s like, are you though?? I get the feeling she’s the kind of girl who thinks feminism looks like Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” music video, and she had to skip the Women’s March because brunch. 

Peter tells MyKenna and Tammy that he’s sick of both of their sh*t, and frankly that’s valid. He pulls Tammy aside first to get to the root of their feud, and the way she handles this line of questioning is a choice for sure. Wow. She’s not going about this AT ALL in the right way. She’s been at the center of too much drama, and when Peter asks to hear her side of things she should have just said “let’s focus on us and not the drama,” but instead she’s out here name dropping her company and talking about MyKenna’s hashtags. Not a good look, sweetie.

WHAT. PETER IS SENDING TAMMY HOME?? He tells MyKenna that he’s keeping her because he trusts her, but I trust her about as far as I could throw her. 

The Rose Ceremony

So was the 2-on-1 just a pregame to the rose ceremony? Because I’m confused. We immediately move from Tammy’s elimination into a rose ceremony cocktail party. The girls are relieved that Tammy is gone, but also extremely nervous because now they’ve lost their scapegoat for the evening. They’ll just have to rely on their personalities or something to make it through to the next round. Lol good luck ladies!!

As Peter starts handing out roses, I’m really not sure who is going home tonight. I feel like it might be the end of the road for Natasha and MyKenna, but then why not eliminate MyKenna 30 minutes ago and call it a day? I 100% do not think he’s into Natasha at all. He says he wants an age-appropriate woman, but Peter strikes me as the kind of guy who still whispers the words “over thirty” when he talks about a person’s age in a group setting. 

In a truly SHOCKING twist, Peter gives his final rose to Kelley, which means Sydney and MyKenna are both going home tonight.

Sydney’s parting words were “I enjoyed this,” and I just snorted into my wine glass. That is the same response I gave when my boss asked me to rate the last company happy hour she planned at Applebee’s. 

And that’s all I have for you hoes! After two nights and five hours of Bachelor footage, I physically, emotionally, and spiritually cannot take any more of it. Do you hear me, ABC?? I’M CRYING UNCLE!! Until next week! Adios, bitchachos! 

For more on The Bachelor, check out the first episode of Betchelor Center:

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