The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Tammy Is A Narc

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Welcome back, Bachelor fans, to another week in paradise Cleveland! Strap in kids because—trigger warning!!!—tonight’s episode will be THREE HOURS long. You know what should be three hours long? My lunch break. You know what shouldn’t be three hours long? The footage from the bonfire these women threw to roast Peter’s apology for keeping Alayah. Speaking of which, as some of you may recall, last week Peter did the unthinkable and kept a woman in the house whom the others don’t particularly like. This was a decision Peter made based on Alayah’s kind heart, and I’m sure it had absolutely nothing to do with the size of the chest covering said heart. But while that explanation might have gone over well in his fantasy football group chat, that sh*t ain’t flying here. 

The episode ended with the women turning on Peter and taking over the house. This is no longer Pilot Pete’s season of The Bachelor, this is their season. They’re the captains now and they will decide collectively who is right for Peter, and who should be banished to Cleveland for the remainder of their days.  

The Rose Ceremony #1

Which brings us to where we left off, at the rose ceremony. Like, do these girls not give a sh*t at all that Peter is actually the lead of this show? I know they’re pissed about this whole Alayah thing, but it’s not their goddamn show! It’s Peter’s! They don’t actually get to call the shots here. 

Peter pulls Alayah aside, takes one last longing look at her cleavage, and then rescinds her rose. No!! Peter!! You don’t let the inmates run the asylum! He wants Alayah to know it’s not you, it’s them. It wasn’t part of his training in flight school to learn how to deal with confrontation or confined spaces full of irate people, that’s what the flight attendants were always for!

PETER: I don’t care at all what the girls say about you, Alayah, but also they told me to send you home and I’m afraid of them so I’m going to.
ALSO PETER:

the girls have gone wild

Okay, #JusticeForAlayah because this sh*t is messed up. I think this elimination would feel more satisfactory if her crimes didn’t involve using her amazing rack to bewitch a man for attention. I mean, who among us hasn’t?? Alayah, girlfriend, please contact me if you’d ever like help burning the Bachelor mansion to the ground because I AM IN. 

Coming back into the house, Peter looks like a man defeated. His immediate course of action is to cut off the head of the hydra and apologize to Natasha first. She was the ringleader of the “let’s all just stab Caesar Alayah” campaign and her approval means he might live to see another day in this house. Smart thinking, Peter.

Okay, is he going to apologize to everyone individually?? Usually all a man has to do is whisper an “I’m sorry” to get me wet, but watching Peter beg for forgiveness 13 different times is just making my reproductive organs want to shrivel up and die. 

PETER IN THE CONFESSIONAL AS NATASHA HOLDS A GUN TO HIS HEAD OFF SCREEN: I messed up, I’m sorry! 

Peter, blink once if you’re okay, twice if you need me to send someone to do a wellness check. I’m concerned.

Heading into the actual rose ceremony and it almost seems like Peter might send himself home at this point. I wouldn’t be opposed. Instead he sends Savannah, Kiarra, and Deandra home, and no one is more shocked about this than Deandra. I can’t tell what’s a harder pill for her to swallow: getting dumped by a man who spent the last few hours groveling at the feet of every woman in that room or having to tell her friends that the most exotic place her Bachelor journey took her was Cleveland

Deandra The Bachelor

The remaining women are in good spirits when Peter tells them that they’ll finally be leaving this earth-based purgatory otherwise known as Cleveland. MyKenna starts to openly weep when she realizes she’ll get to go somewhere where the locals aren’t still calling Bermuda shorts “fashion.” He’s like, “we’re going somewhere with lush jungles and gorgeous volcanos” and you can tell some of the women are worried he’s describing Yosemite or some sh*t. No ladies, he’s talking about Costa Rica!!

PETER: Being a pilot I just love to explore. 

Just because you’ve explored every vagina in every Delta lounge around the world doesn’t make you cultured, Peter!

Peter meets up with the women in Costa Rica and he’s sporting a giant gash on his forehead. He gives some elaborate story about a puma he crossed paths with in the jungle and it’s like, Peter, was it really a puma or was it just Chris Harrison in an animal print shirt? Be honest. 

Also, 20 stitches is kind of a serious head wound, and the producers aren’t slowing down production by even one day. They’re like, “here’s a few pieces of flesh-colored tape to hold you together. I’m sure you’ll be fine!”

Sydney’s One-On-One Date

Sydney gets the first one-on-one date of the week and this feels less like a genuine offer on Peter’s part and more like a calculated move to get back into her good graces. He wants Sydney to know that he’s here for the right reasons, and to prove it to her, he won’t even fly the plane this time. The sacrifices he’s making for her are truly phenomenal. 

Woooooow there is a lot of ass-kissing happening on this date. Peter tells Sydney that he loves how she’s always looking out for him. LOL. If you call “looking out” sabotaging any of her competition who happen to have bigger boobs than her then, yes, she really looking out for you. 

Also, I don’t love that Peter keeps calling her mysterious and in response Sydney feels the need to clarify her ethnic background. I’m sure he just meant that he can’t guess what astrological sign you are…

You can tell Sydney is insecure about her relationship with Peter because she is layering on these sob stories. She talks about having an absentee father and her experience with bullying and how hard it was to grow up biracial in the South. She dives into this sad tale about eating lunches in the bathroom by herself, and, look, I’m not trying to discount her trauma or anything, but this is how I know these girls are children because they’re bringing up MIDDLE SCHOOL indiscretions to the man they want to marry. The only grudge I’m still holding from middle school is with JoJo for not releasing a second album. 

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I’m watching Peter take in this story, and you can tell that his biggest emotional baggage is that one time he accidentally called his kindergarten teacher “mom.” He just keeps nodding his head and making the noises I make whenever my dog does something cute on the Nest Cam. 

He calls Sydney a strong woman, and to highlight this statement, ABC treats us to a montage of soft-core porn. Ah, yes. Nothing says “I respect your inner strength” more than some highly publicized heavy petting that will surely result in one or both of them getting a yeast infection. Carry on. 

The Group Date

For the group date, we’re told the women are going to compete to be on the cover of Cosmo magazine and I didn’t realize that this entire season was going to be a crossover with America’s Next Top Model. This is now the second group date OUT OF FIVE where the women are modeling. Instead of a fantasy suite date, should we just see who can come up with the best swipe-up code based off their couples hashtag and be done with it? Because that the most chemistry we’re going to see this season. 

Okay, This “photoshoot” is just a thinly veiled orgy at this point. You’ve got Little Miss Shyness Victoria F practically straddling Peter in that lagoon, while MyKenna tries to slip her hand down his swim trunks. What kind of cover shoot is this??

And would you look at that! Victoria F wins the cover shoot challenge. Cosmo keeps saying Victoria F showed “personality” and “spunk” and that’s why they chose her, but I wish they’d just say “was able to give Peter a semi” and be done with it. 

As we move into the cocktail portion of the evening, the mood is tense. It’s hard to say what the women are more upset about: having to watch Peter make out with a glistening Victoria F or losing their one-way ticket to a verified account on Instagram. You blew it, Hannah Ann! This was your one shot at finally modeling for more than just the Sonic employee handbook!

I love that Peter cannot take one single breath without one of the women jumping down his throat about something. Victoria F is like “guess what two days ago was” and Peter is looking frantically around for a producer to hold up the right answer on a cue card being her back. 

VICTORIA F: I’m 26 now. It’s so depressing.
ME: 

off with her head

Something about Kelsey makes me think she carries wine around in her purse “just in case.” I love it. She tells Peter she’s sorry she’s such an insecure freak and you can tell Peter is eating this sh*t up. With these women he is so rarely the one with the control, and he loves having all the power here. She tells him that she’s falling in love with him, and you can tell Peter just got a little hard there. The emotions he gets from the women usually range from mild distaste to outright disgust, so an open declaration of love and adoration has to be good for his ego these days. 

Whatever headway Kelsey makes with that declaration is quickly extinguished when Tammy paints a vivid picture of Kelsey’s “struggles” with the process. She tells Peter about finding Kelsey crying by the pool next to an empty bottle of red, and it’s like who among us hasn’t been there, Tammy? I really don’t think that sobbing by the pool is grounds to bring anything up to our saucy Cuban lead. 

PETER: I just wanted to ask you….. are you crazy? An alcoholic maybe? What’s your deal?

OMG. Did he just seriously ask her if she had a mental breakdown the other day?! Peter! You can’t just call a girl unstable to her face!

In case you were wondering where I stand on this whole Tammy vs. Kelsey controversy: I stand with any and all public criers. My nickname in college used to be Moaning Myrtle because my nights at the club always ended in me sobbing into pizza and ranch dressing, and I genuinely don’t see what’s wrong with that. Have you even really lived if you haven’t been asked by management at least once in your twenties to leave a bar because you’re “killing the vibe”? I think not. Let’s move on. 

KELSEY: Do we want to talk about who called me emotionally unstable today?
ALSO KELSEY:

Victoria is like, “it takes a strong woman to get through this” and it’s like, the only thing strong about this process is the content these girls are going to be able to use for their IG feed after the fact. Please. 

KELSEY: If it’s wrong to cry for four hours a day, then I don’t want to be right.

I don’t want to be right either, Kelsey! Keep living your truth, boo boo!

Kelley’s One-On-One Date

Kelley gets the second one-on-one date of the week, and I love that she’s going into this date with the mentality that she might have a friend call her with an “emergency” halfway through. Her lack of enthusiasm for Peter is even more apparent when she shows up dressed like she’s about to start her shift at the local KFC. Kelley, those pants are a crime against humanity and you should be whipped in the town square for even THINKING that should be allowed on my television screen. 

Peter wants to use this date as a way to figure out Kelley’s feelings for him. He wants to know if their love can transcend that one time they had a quickie in a hotel bathroom. To answer this question, Peter comes armed to the date get with candles and the help of the local medicine man. I love when the men use mysticism to suss out genuine connections abroad, but in real life if Kelley were to make a comment about the compatibility of their astrological signs Peter would have called her crazy. But, hey, when in Rome I suppose!

MEDICINE MAN: The energy from your candle is telling me you’re repressed.

Ah, yes. Just what every girl wants to hear on a date: that she’s repressed. What’s next? An in-depth discussion about how the body paint is telling him she’s frigid?

I’m not sure what Peter wants out of Kelley. He’s like, “she isn’t trying hard enough. She won’t even tell me about her parents divorce!” and it’s like, not everyone has a bunch of trauma porn for you to emotionally masturbate to. 

Kelley even mentioned earlier in the episode that she’s worried about their relationship because she doesn’t have a fun story about her childhood in a Russian orphanage to keep Peter interested. Why does having some elaborate deep, dark secret, equate to “opening up”? Like, maybe she her biggest trauma is that her Starbucks barista can never spell her name right on her coffee order. Can’t that be enough??

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Kelsey sits down with Tammy to hash out their issues. Kelsey just wants to know why she would tell Peter about her sobbing by the pool. As I’ve said, I’m the girl who likes to openly weep in public so I have no issues with this behavior, but even if I did, it’s not like Kelsey was causing a scene in front of Peter. Tammy was the one who made it a thing by bringing it to Peter’s attention at the last rose ceremony. 

TAMMY: I guess I just like to handle my issues head on and not with alcohol.
ME: 

you do

Jesus Tammy, this isn’t AA. Stop being such a narc. I mean, when I take a bottle of wine to the face it’s not a “problem” it’s just a Tuesday, okay!! 

Back on the date, Peter is out for blood. He’s like “I’m not doing this for a fun time” as he continues to pick the girls with the biggest racks. SURE, JAN. 

Kelley is handling this situation like she’s not living in a vacuum created by ABC. She’s making sound, level-headed points about not wanting to manufacture chemistry or blow smoke up his ass about her feelings for him. I think it’s mature and something that would make complete sense if they were dating in the real world. But they aren’t. She’s halfway through the Bachelor process. In reality, she probably has another week or two before she’s going to need to accept a proposal from him. It doesn’t feel like she’s there yet, and I feel like he should cut her loose for it. Peter sees the red flag, process the red flag, and then dismisses it completely by giving her a rose. Boy, that must have been some head she gave back at that Hampton Inn. 

Kesley’s One-On-One Date

Kelsey decides to take fate into her own hands. She’s not going to let another champagne finasco ruin her relationship with Peter, and so her plan is to show up unannounced at his bungalow and cry into his shoulder on his day off and everything. 100% emotionally stable behavior. This feels a little premature to me. I don’t think Kelsey needs to defend her sobs to Peter. He saw her take a bottle of champagne to the face, he knows what he’s he’s getting into. 

kelsey champagne bachelor

HE’S GIVING HER THE ROSE?! PETER! Do you want Kelsey to finish out the season, or do you want Tammy to wear her skin as a suit to tonight’s rose ceremony? Because you’re sending mixed signals here!!

Lol. I love that she’s like “uh you want me to walk into that house with this rose?” and he has the audacity to tell her it will be fine. It will NOT be fine! Have you ever seen the end of Lion King where Scar gets eaten alive by a hoard of angry hyenas? That is nothing compared to what Tammy has in store for Kelsey, just you wait. 

She shows up at the house and immediately launches into a speech about how she didn’t mean to steal a rose ahead of the rose ceremony, she just wanted to clear her good name. You know the producers obviously refused to let her into the house unless she showed off her rose. Her hands are SHAKING she’s so scared. I don’t know why she doesn’t just throw them under the bus and is like “look girls please don’t murder me but the producers let me do this so I took my chance! You would have done the same!”

The Rose Ceremony #2

Chris Harrison tells us there will be no cocktail party tonight and I’m worried that MyKenna might spontaneously combust into a cloud of angst and body glitter. The women decide that Kelsey is to blame for the sudden disappearance of their cocktail party and their anger feels a little misplaced. Are you really this upset about a cocktail party or are you upset that you might get sent home just when the travel spots are getting good? 

TAMMY: I heard you pop pills.
KELSEY: That’s not true! I only take Adderall and birth control!
ME:

Yeah, you’re not really helping yourself there, Kels.

The house descends into chaos when they hear Tammy started a pill popping rumor. It’s good to know that there’s a line even these monsters won’t cross for Peter’s attention. I love that they said Kelsey was having a mental breakdown but it seems they all are having mental breakdowns now. 

Well, well, well. Little Miss “No Friend To Eat Lunch With” is doing a phenomenal job of bullying Tammy into jumping off a cliff. 

The fight is put on hold for the rose ceremony, but just as Peter is about to get things started, Tammy asks if she can steal a moment of Peter’s time and then so does MyKenna, and now we’re having a full-on cocktail party in the middle of a rose ceremony. Peter was literally trying to avoid this exact thing. Peter’s like, “I know I succumbed to mob mentality last week but seriously you need to back the f*ck off and trust me.” FINALLY, Peter! I was just starting to think that in addition to the 20 stitches you also accidentally lost your balls in that golf carting accident . 

Lexi and Shiann are both sent home, and I’m shocked Tammy lived to see another day. Just as Shiann is about to head out she decides to mind-f*ck Peter on her way out. You love to see it. She tells him that some of the girls aren’t there for the right reasons and it’s like, yeah, Peter knows. He saw how their faces lit up during every “fashion” challenge. 

And that’s all I have for you betches! See you next week, and by that I mean in less than 48 hours. Kill me. 

Images: Giphy (7); @its_thesnatchelor /Instagram (1); @bachelornation.scoop/Instagram (1)

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