Immediately after watching Nick and Vanessa scream at each other off into the sunset, Chris Harrison invites us back to The Bachelor-verse to find out more about exactly how much they have screamed at each other since that day, and to see how Raven and her plastic surgery are doing after being rejected in Finland.
After The Final Rose is generally boring AF, and given that this season of The Bachelor was also boring, Chris Harrison is working hard to get people to stick around, constantly alluding to something “historic” that is going to happen. And even though we all should be able to recognize Chris Harrison’s tricks by now, it works and we all stick around to hear about all the fights Nick and Vanessa have been having and whether or not she’s gonna move to the U.S.
RAVEN
If you, like me, were expecting a Raven post-show makeover, you are mistaken. Raven looks exactly the fucking same (minus a possible casual nose job). She doesn’t even have a new I-Just-Got-Dumped-On-National-Television lob or highlights or anything. Kind of disappointing TBH. Raven would look great with a lob.
Chris: So, why didn’t you like, cry and shit when you got dumped?
Raven: Cry? Lol who am I, Nick? Also I’m going to fucking Paradise now so bye bye Hoxie see you never.
So like, Raven gets to go drink Champagne in Mexico on Orgasm Island and Vanessa gets to…spend her life with Nick Viall. Who is the real winner here?
Vanessa
Then Vanessa comes back and, surprise surprise, four weeks have passed and she’s still annoying.
Chris: We expected there would be some knock-down-drag-out fights between the two of you, have those moments happened?
Vanessa: Every day.
They have apparently not spent much time together between the fact that they’re not allowed to be seen together and they live in different countries, which is why the whole “engagement” thing is pretty tentative right now.
Like, is Vanessa wearing the big-ass ring Nick got her? Duh. But have they like, set a date or invited anyone or really done anything that would signal a wedding will be happening? Nah.
Chris: So you guys haven’t set a date or anything?
Vanessa: Omg no we’re gonna break up as soon as this shoot is over.
Vanessa does reveal that she is leaning toward moving to the U.S. rather than having Nick move to Canada, because who wants free healthcare and a competent leader when you can have….Dancing With The Stars?
Rachel
Finally, Nick and Vanessa get their annoying asses out of the way so we can get to Rachel, who is continuing this season’s Bachelor post-show trend of wearing a fly AF jumpsuit. So what is this big, “historic,” surprise Chris Harrison keeps talking about?
Chris: Are you excited to start your season of The Bachelorette?
Rachel: Well I—
Chris: CUZ IT’S STARTING RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Much to Rachel’s surprise, her journey to love has already begun, and we all get a sneak peek at the season as she meets four of the corniest dudes I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. Like, seriously, Rachel is a gorgeous lawyer with a fly AF penguin onesie and these clowns are the best the show can do?
So, here are the men in order:
First, Demario, who seemed okay until he had a ring and tickets for them to go to Vegas already prepared. Like, I guess it’s good to know that this dude has enough money to buy two very expensive items that he has a 1/30 chance of actually using, but the whole thing just seemed…extra.
Next we meet Blake—or maybe Blaine? Idk—who looks awkward AF and solidifies that impression by immediately telling Rachel that she “smells good” and telling her that he “wasn’t planning on this” which is an obvious lie. Like…did you just happen to be at the Bachelor studio in a suit when all this was going down? Don’t you have to submit like five applications and a video just to be considered for this show?
Blake then ends his cringeworthy encounter with a horrible side-hug that screams “I’m going to be eliminated week one.”
Enter, Dean who has 30 seconds to let America and Rachel know two things: 1) he is good looking and 2) he is aware that Rachel is black. We knew there was going to be at least one.
Dean: I’m ready to go black, and never go back.
Rachel [outside]: Hahahahaha that’s so funny I love that.
Rachel [inside]: Dean must be destroyed.
Then, finally, we meet Eric, who uses his time to lay down the following riddle:
Eric: I’m from Baltimore. You’re from Texas. But we’re here right now. I’m happy to be here. It’s a miracle season. What am I?
Rachel: I loved what you just said.
Then the two of them do a little dance as if to say, “Nick’s season is over and it’s time for Rachel! Praise Jesus!”
