The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Tahzjuan Is My Spirit Animal

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Welcome to week four of Bachelor in Paradise! This week was sort of a snooze for me, but that might just be because John Paul Jones got approximately 1.5 hours of speaking time last night and listening to him formulate a thought is equivalent to watching my fingernails grow. But, nevertheless, I persisted! (If you count drinking half a bottle of wine and fantasizing ways to get JPJ alone in a room with a pair of scissors “persisting”). Moving on! Last week, Demi and Kristian solidified their relationship, Grandpa Chris went on a date with Jen Sav, Katie cried, and, as Tayshia put it, Hannah and Dylan slept on a daybed for five years.

Which brings us back to this week. We open back in Paradise, and for once no one is bringing dishonor to their family name by crying on Wells’ barstool or describing in great detail the sexual acts they partook in during Stagecoach. Instead, the camera pans to all the happy couples. There’s Dylan napping with Hannah, Demi holding hands with Kristian, Caelynn straddling Dean in the pool, Clay running into the ocean to avoid Nicole’s singing, and Derek, who asks Clay and Nicole to put him out of his misery and bury him alive.

Look, I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again but I AM IN YOUR DMS HELLO good guys never finish first with this godforsaken franchise. You hate to see it.

Meanwhile, Kristina and Tayshia discuss their relationship statuses. They both aren’t that into their romantic prospects thus far: Tayshia with JPJ and Kristina with that sand dune. Kristina declares that Tayshia should just date Derek because, let’s face it, JPJ has that hair so he’ll be fine. Tayshia agrees so fast that it’s almost as if this storyline was preordained by production or something. It’s crazy!

Okay, I don’t think we’ve been giving Tayshia enough credit for how manipulative she can be. She tells JPJ that she wants to see other people but instead of just saying “I’d like to explore other connections” she asks HIM if HE is hoping to see another girl walk into Paradise. When he says he only wants to go on dates with her she tells him, “no really, it’s totally okay to go on other dates.” She’s Jedi mind tricking the f*ck out of him, and that’s something I’ve been trying to perfect with men my entire life. Then again, I guess I’m pretty good at it since every man I’ve ever dated has felt free to go out on dates with other women…

JPJ: You look like Beyoncé if Beyoncé had crazy eyes.
TAYSHIA: Thank you?

Another girl walks into Paradise and we are told that she’s from Colton’s season and that her name is Tanzania. Or something. Idk, I’m two glasses of wine deep. She says she was on the show for “two seconds” but production can’t even produce any video footage to back up this claim, so it seems suspicious to say the least. I would say she’s another paid actor invited on the show to stir up drama like “Christian” was, but production’s budget is not big enough to secure the talent that is Tahzjuan. Seriously, this girl is a star in the making. Mark my words.

She asks JPJ on a date straight away. I guess when she pictures her future husband she pictures a guy who brings his fraternity paddle into the bedroom. Got it. JPJ, even though he doesn’t want to go on this date at all and is absolutely still interested in and loyal to Tayshia, takes this as an opportunity to shave his entire body before heading out. He’s like “I don’t want to go on this date, but if Tayshia wants me to, then f*ck it!” and then proceeds to shave his balls on national television. He takes the term “taking one for the team” to the next level.

This date is so painful to watch, I swear to god. They both have nothing to say to each other so they just maniacally giggle until the intern refills their drinks. JPJ gets so drunk during the meal he confuses the date food with something actually edible instead of the half-priced gag gift ABC got from Spencer’s. JPJ dry heaves no less than 6 times, but by now we know that’s just his foreplay. And then, of course, there’s this horrifying exchange of conversation:

JPJ: Your name is so interesting, what country is it from?
TAHZJUAN: Well my dad’s name is Juan, so Mexico I guess.
JPJ: But you’re.. *whispers* black…?

John Paul Jones! You can’t just ask someone why they’re black! God, Karen!

Back at the beach, the rest of the couples and Derek are playing a game of truth or dare. I remember my first boy-girl party too. So cute! Someone asks Sydney who the worst person she ever kissed was and she says Colton. The rest of the women from Colton’s season collectively agree that he was a terrible kisser. I’m sorry, but is this supposed to shock us? This is the same man who told us he had never seen a ladie’s bathing suit parts before and asked Chris Harrison if it hurts during the guy’s first time too. I’m not surprised he has no idea what to do with that tongue.

Meanwhile, Caelynn cannot stop gushing about how great Dean is, as Wells and Demi exchange horrified expressions. She’s like, “I love vans, they’re my favorite! Vans have running water though, right? And WiFi? And, like, a permanent address for all my FabFitFun and Revolve partnership packages?”

CAELYNN: Dean is definitely going to propose at the end of this!
DEMI & WELLS:

Wells and Demi proceed to give Caelynn the intervention she did not ask for. They tell her that she needs to be real with Dean about wanting an actual relationship because they don’t think he’s as serious about her. I love that Wells is like, “he’s my friend but he’s a piece of sh*t, you know?” Boy, do we know, Wells! Also, I can’t believe that Caelynn needed a girl who can still fit into Limited Too’s spring line and a wannabe bartender to tell her that a man who lives in his van is probably not ready for anything serious.

Caelynn asks Dean what his intentions are, and he looks at her like he thought he made that clear when he mentioned needing a shower on their first date. At least he’s honest!

DEAN: I want a girlfriend but, like, not for the nine months that I want to take off in my van you know?

NOT DURING THE 9 MONTHS I WANT TO TAKE OFF IN MY VAN. Caelynn, girlfriend, I don’t even like you that much but I know you’re better than this MY GOD.

Listening to Dean describe what kind of relationship he wants is making my blood boil. Caelynn asks for commitment and he says, “you’ll have to convince me first.” Right away the power dynamic shifts in his favor, and it’s f*cked up. I’ve dated guys like this before, the ones who would like to still hook up, but not commit to you beyond what’s convenient for them. So they tell you that, but in a way that makes it sound like they *could* change their minds should the right blow job relationship come along. It’s this line of reasoning that let’s f*ckboys sleep through the night while we spend $200 an hour making our therapist watch us cry. Sorry, Joan! You’re a real one, girl!

Also, does Dean forget that he was top FOUR on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette, a show where you PROPOSE at the end of it? Like, why even come on Paradise if you can’t even pretend like you might consider settling down? I know he needed those rolls of toilet paper production promised him for his van, but damn.

Meanwhile, one half of Bachelor Nation’s Hot Twins walks into Paradise next. I love that Tahzjuan thinks that twins can’t exist apart from each other. She’s like, “but… her sister isn’t here, so how does that work?” I get what she’s saying, though. How can you be a Professional Twin if there’s just one of you? Instead of being one half of a dynamic comedic duo, she’s just a former Vegas cocktail waitress with a limited vocabulary and great eyelash extensions.

Hot Twin asks JPJ on a date because she says he seems like the most “husband material” out of all the guys, and I’m sincerely concerned about what these girls deem acceptable behavior for husbands.

As Hot Twin and JPJ walk off into the sunset, Tahzjuan licks her wounds by getting hammered by herself and drunk eating spaghetti in the pool. Look, I know eating noodles in the pool should be illegal and a lot of people will come for Tahzjuan’s, er, erratic behavior, but y’all, I’m LIVING for this bitch. As the designated Single Girl in my friend group, my friends are always asking me to sign up for a Bachelor casting call and I always tell them I can’t because I don’t have a good TV personality, when what I really mean is that I would act like Tahzjuan.

In fact, her behavior is right on point with mine after day drinking for 8 hours. Splashing that drink around, complaining about being hot, crying every time she sees a happy couple. It’s like looking in a mirror.

TAHZJUAN: I’m really glad you showed up Haley! Also, I would like to spit in your drink!
ALSO TAHZJUAN:

The Rose Ceremony

Chris starts off the cocktail party by giving one of his signature pep talks. He’s like, “for those of you in relationships, drink up! For those of you still single and pathetic, Idk! I gotta get back to my mojito.” Wow, that was inspired.

Caitlin takes this pep talk to heart by trying to seduce Blake with her very own makeshift Stagecoach set-up. Honey, I don’t think it was so much the Stagecoach atmosphere as it was the amount of drugs and alcohol that I’m sure was flowing when he made the decision to bang two girls in 24 hours, but okay.

Kristina has other plans in mind. Since the most action she’s gotten all season is from the camera man fixing her mic, she’s in trouble this rose ceremony and wants Blake to give her a “friendship rose.”

KRISTINA: I want Blake to find love and that’s why I kept him here, but not if it means I’ll be kicked off this free Mexican vacation, ya feel me?

JPJ says he’s going to have a very tough decision at the rose ceremony. On the one hand, he has a girl whose name he couldn’t pronounce to save his life, and on the other hand, he has Hot Twin, who apparently “looks like a movie star and has the intelligence of a doctor.” That feels like a stretch. This is the same girl who knows that pigeons and seagulls are different somehow but couldn’t tell you exactly how they are different except that one is “from the sea” and one is “from the earth.”

As JPJ struggles with his decision, Caelynn continues plan out her future in Dean’s van. She wants his rose but she can’t be sure he’ll give it to her because even though she’s spent every waking moment with him for the last two weeks, he’s still Dean.

OMG. It’s Caelynn’s bday?! Dean says he’ll be right back, and if he comes back with a cake I’m f*cking done. For those of you who don’t remember, the commissioning of a cake for a girl’s birthday is sort of like his big move in Paradise. He did this last time he was on Paradise for D-Lo when he was still hooking up with Kristina, which drove Kristina to say that her time in the Russian orphanage was preferable to her time in Mexico.

HE CAME BACK WITH A CAKE. I’m dead. If I’m having PTSD with this, then Kristina must be rocking in a corner somewhere. Kristina, blink once if you’re good, twice if you want me to report his van for expired tags!

We haven’t seen much of the Katie/Chris/Jen love triangle that was introduced to us last episode, but apparently it is still going on. I only know this because Katie pulls Chris aside during the last seven minutes of this episode to declare her feelings for him. Jen has still spoken zero words. I can’t even be sure she has working vocal chords or if she communicates purely through blank stares and subtle shifts in her eyebrows.

Moving on to the rose ceremony. Chris starts things off by speaking again and this is truly the most dramatic season ever because this is the second time tonight he’s spoken words to the contestants. He says that Demi gets to give out a rose because apparently there are no rules here anymore! Rose ceremonies are basically the equivalent of a fifth and cups mixer—so long as you have someone willing to metaphorically handcuff themselves to you while you finish a fifth of tequila then you’re good to stay.

The rose ceremony goes as such:

  • Demi picks Kristian

  • Dylan picks Hannah

  • Clay picks Nicole

  • Mike picks Sydney

  • Dean picks Caelynn

  • Blake picks Kristina

  • Derek picks Tayshia

  • JPJ picks Haley

  • Chris picks Katie

The episode ends with Dean realizing that by handing out his rose to Caelynn he may have signaled to her that he’s willing to be monogamous for more than 12 days.

HAHA. The look of sheer horror in those eyes. I can’t. Dean tells Caelynn they need to talk. Just by his tone, she knows that she’s about to get dumped. Caelynn lets out a half-hearted “but it’s my birthday you can’t break up with me!” and it’s like girlfriend, I’ve been dumped on my birthday, Christmas Eve, and Labor Day Weekend. Nothing is sacred to these people!

And on that note, I’m out, kids. See you betches tonight!

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