The worst/best show on television is back and lucky for you, the worst/best recapper you know is back too. You’re welcome.
TBH I was heavily considering not recapping this show because I was thinking about living my life and stuff, but then I saw this shit show of a cast (and also how bad the Bachelor is) and I just knew in the dark pits of my soul that I couldn’t let this show go.
LET’S BEGIN NOW
First major change—they are in New Orleans now. Probably a good thing. They weren’t getting too much variety in the Dominican Republic. You can only play with monkeys so many times until you’re like “so, where are the buildings with electricity?”
Also, Terrence J is the new host. RIP to the best father figure most of the contestants ever had, Ryan Devlin.
Let’s review some of the dumb things we learned/that were said during introductions to everyone:
TYLER: “I told her that I was okay with her hooking up with another guy and I wasn’t!” Cool story, Hansel.
UCHE: “I’m with all these guys I’m not supposed to be with! Football players, rappers, all the cool guys.” That’s a weird way of saying you’re a fuckin’ loser.
KEYANA: “I want to be everywhere with my boyfriend. I want to wear a vile of his blood around my neck and drink from it from time to time. What.” (paraphrase)
JOE’S MOM: “My son brings home idiots, which is amazing because he sells pot for a living and it shocks me that Harvard grads aren’t lining up to date him.”
NICOLE: “I’m trapped in this hookup culture!!!” She acts like she’s been kidnapped in a third world country rather than being asked for dick pics.
KAREEM: “Where I’m from, don’t nobody ever touch a million dollars.” Yeah, they clearly don’t read books or attend basic English classes either.
MICHAEL: “I get like 25-50 DM’s from girls a day wanting to date me. None of them speak English though, so lo siento bitches, no dates for you.” Also, Mike, they are all probs like 14. Judging from the acne on your face, you probably are too.
Terrence J shows the girls something the boys find important and the girls have to raise their hands if it’s important to them too. Moderate Instagram fame has to be on this list.
First is football. Audrey raises her hand and she’s like “Why do I like football? Why do I not like football?! I love football!!!”
AUDREY DURING FOOTBALL GAMES:
Football was Malcolm’s pick and he’s like “I love football because that’s the only reason my dad loves me” and the girls are all like “AW THAT’S SO SWEET!” Nothing moisturizes the kitty like deep-rooted familial issues, amirite.
Next is the piano, and Keyana is like “I like music!” while the rest of the girls apparently prefer silence? Her match is Ethan, the guy who looks like Rob Dyrdek if he ate Rob Dyrdek. He’s very excited to go on his first date ever and is just itching to call his mom and tell her all about it.
Turns out he’s a rapper. Fuck. There is always one “rapper” every season and they are almost always bordering on albino.
ETHAN: “E-Money gets the girls, but Ethan doesn’t.” How many of you are there?
REAL PICTURE OF ETHAN:
Next picture is some religious stuff and the girls are like “I only go down on my knees for one thing, and it ain’t our lord and savior.” Too bad—it was Clinton’s pick and he’s a fine-ass mother fucker. Jesus wept making that fine specimen and that should tell you something, since I’m a Jew.
Next picture is a condom and Jada is like “HEEEEEEEEEEY.”
JADA’S ROLE ON THIS SHOW:
Chad is the one that picked a condom and he’s like “yeah, I like sex, so what?” Chad reminds me of the guy you tell your sorority little to avoid at frat parties.
CHAD: “Look at me, I’m the Chad!” I’M SORRY, unless you are Tom Green yelling to Drew Barrymore from a boat, you are not the fuckin’ Chad!!! Wait, is his name Shad? THAT IS EVEN WORSE.
Anyways, all the couples are going on a date. Thrilling.
ON TO THE HOUSE
Of course it’s time for shots and more introductions.
ZOE: “Guys don’t like me, they just want to wear my thighs as earmuffs.” Oddly specific but ok.
JOE: “I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness and so far the only thing I have ever witnessed is me still being a virgin”
Joe’s going to be that castmate that I can’t tell is hot. He always looks like he is squinting into the sun but I would def let him in if he came knocking on my door wanting to sell a bible.
Keyana immediately tells Michael that she follows him on Instagram and he’s like “very cool, do you speak English?” Also, Keyana do you need to refill your shitty beer? Because you look fucking THIRSTY.
Ethan is already hating himself and saying that he’s going to sit in a corner all season and now I’m just upset. No one puts Ethan in a corner!
KEYANA: So you wear a shoe on each foot?
KEYANA: omg so do I. Let’s get married.
Uche and Chocolate Jesus (Clinton’s new nickname for the season—CJ) are def hitting it off.
CLINTON: “Girls tell me they love me on social media, but it’s like, I’m a person. Do you ever think there is more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking?”
Malcolm and every girl in the house start flirting. So that’s that.
MALCOLM: “I have ladies every day of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…. The other days. You get it.”
He meets Diandra, who is wearing hoops so big that the Kardashian family is in awe. She’s like “if I start calling you Papi, I’m interested.” Good thing it sounds sexy in Spanish. If I started calling dudes “Daddy” they would immediately refer me to a therapist.
Keith and Alexis start bonding over lung disease and her possibly incestuous ways.
ALEXIS: So you have your cousins, and then your first cousins, and your cousins with teeth. They are all fair fucking game.
Apparently Alexis is trying to rid herself of the redneck stereotype but it’s hard to take her seriously when she’s downing Bud Light one second and chain smoking cigarettes the next.
Keith is like “you should stop smoking. How about every time you smoke I spank you?” Is this a Narcotics Anonymous-approved method of prevention? Also, Keith and Alexis look like the perfect Trump-voting couple.
KEITH: “How about every time you mention building the wall I smack my own ass, yeehaw.”
Theeeeennnn they start making out and talking about butt stuff, as one does 30 minutes after meeting someone. Off to the boom room they go to make more babies that Alexis’ cousin can possibly fuck.
Keith apparently rocks Alexis’ world and he’s like “yeah I have pretty good reviews on Yelp.” Which is a place for businesses so congrats, you’re an escort.
Michael and Keyana take the first shower makeout scene for me. She’s like “I’ve never met someone who asks me about myself” and it’s like, well how do you usually meet people? Does no one ask you, like, what your name is?
MTV has decided to get as close as possible to killing one of these cast members and takes them to a bar as their date. We’re really pushing these livers to the limit here.
Ethan is trying to make small talk with Keyana and she is acting like she would rather be lit on fire than be a kind of nice person to an overall really nice guy. He eventually is like “I get it, you like Michael.” And I swear to god she breathes a sigh of relief.
She says he “asked about her and he actually cared” and it’s like, really? It had nothing to do with the alcohol and fact that your hand was down his pants most of the time?
They are presented with booze and a jazz band comes in. They’re like “what are the odds you get shit faced and listen to jazz in New Orleans?!”
Audrey and Malcolm are hanging out and she’s like “you’re a player, I can tell” and he’s like “I’m 25 now! I’m serious now!” he says as he chugs alcohol on a reality show on national television.
He claims he isn’t a player anymore because a “female” cheated on him once and it hurt. Boo, sad story. Anyone who calls a girl a female is a hard no from me.
AUDREY: I hope he ends up being different then the guy I know he is and always has been.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
The house is debating who to put in the Truth Booth and Diandra is like “Malcolm looks like Trey Songz!” (which he does) and Nurys is like “YOU JUST WANNA FUCK HIM DON’T YOU?!” Okay there, I’m gonna need to you to pop a quick Xanax and take a lap for a second.
Nurys is like “I am a hugely aggressive girl for literally no reason and sometimes people don’t like me for that.” Hmm, wonder why.
Ethan and Keyana go to the Truth Booth and Keyana is looking for the nearest knife to stick in her neck. She heard Mike has a neck fetish, so yeah.
Ethan and Keyana are like “we get it, we’re not compatible” and Keyana is thinking of getting it tattooed on her body. Let’s remember, they were voted in because they “both like music” which we all know, is a true stepping stone to a love connection.
Of course, they get a no match BUT that’s not the worst part of this whole thing. The WORST part is Keyana acting like a straight-up fucking bitch when they get a no match. I get it, you like Michael and you want to have his vanilla-ass babies so they can surf into the sunset and live a life full of missionary sex, HOWEVER you did not need to be like “YES, I’M PARTYING TONIGHT BECAUSE WE’RE NOT A MATCH!!!”
That’s not a paraphrase made by me, that’s a quote and frankly, it’s a fucked up one. And that’s coming from a fucked up person.
Ethan’s like “I’ve never seen someone so excited to get away from me” and I think every single person watching (aka me and 15 people who read this recap) were either a) about to cry for this actual nice guy or b) so fucking annoyed with Keyana for acting like she’s soooo much better than him. Anyone with a chest tattoo is not at the liberty to belittle people. That is a job strictly reserved for me. Now that we got that lecture out of the way…
Ethan starts downing red wine and freestyle rapping. Aka me on any given night.
They start playing a game of sexy truth or dare, because they are original like that.
Malcolm and Diandre make out, Clinton and Uche make out, Michael licks Keyana, it’s all pretty generic.
Shad or Chad or whatever his fucking name is asks Alexis to kiss everyone in the house and she’s like okay and says “mama didn’t raise no bitch.” Incredible. I want that on a cross stitch. She proceeds to make out with everyone. Just like her mama intended.
KEITH: “She’s a little wild and idk if I trust her.” Really? This is the hard line for you? Not when she implied that she fucks her cousins?
Geles and Michael bond over the fact that they have large Hispanic families and it’s like, who is going to send me some tamales? Hit me up.
Nurys is getting pissed because DD (Diandre) is still talking to Malcolm when she likes him. She’s like “DD is obviously insecure!” and it’s like, hmmm okay sweetie.
Second shower makeout session goes to DD and Malcolm. Really? Now it’s just getting cliché. Isn’t there a closet you can take this to?
Of course, the moment DD goes to sleep Nurys is like DGAF and her and Malcolm start making out. DAMN. Okay. That’s how it’s gonna be. Then he hops back into bed with DD.
MALCOLM: I’m not a player. I promise I’m not a player.
Okay, Big Pun. Anyway, see you all next week.