Devote Your Life, Soul, and Bladder to Our Scary Startup
Do you want to change the world? Ignite the culture? Spend 11 hours a day deciphering aggressive, unintelligible emails for very, very little money? COCKHAUS, the bad boy of the startup scene, is searching for a unicorn in a blazer.
Not a literal unicorn — poaching is bad! — but a magical human who can make money moves, cultivate kickass customer experiences, and also probably restock the office paper towel closet with money from their own pocket.
Interested? Get ready to blow our freaking minds.
Responsibilities include, but are definitely not limited to, oh my god this honestly barely scratches the surface:
- Ideating with our multi-hyphenate CEO, who eats beautiful salads for lunch while throwing darts at photos of union organizers #SLAY
- Ensuring consumer success with very little direction, management, and/or goalposts
- Implementing a risky, operationally complex corporate growth strategy (Have you seen Lord of the Rings? It’s like that)
- Single-handedly conducting an audit of organizational practices
- Beheading the noncompliant
- Sales probably?
Requirements:
- 10–12 years of leadership experience in a startup environment
- Master’s Degree in related field (PhD preferred)
- An incredibly well-trained bladder and a commitment to urinating on your own time
- Ability to commute into our office on a remote mountaintop to sit through hours-long meetings during which our founders (white, male, horrible) will debate the merits of adding an ampersand to the company name
- A growth mindset (You WILL be working on Christmas)
- A commitment to a diverse and inclusive work environment; we strongly encourage members of historically underrepresented groups to reach out, including girls and people who wear overalls
What you’ll need to apply:
- An updated resume
- References from no less than six former employers and your high school history teacher
- A bespoke COCKHAUS-themed board game designed to make us laugh and laugh and laugh
- A simpering cover letter that borders on nauseating, demonstrating your passion for the job and your desire to beg-beg-beg for it like a little piggy-pig
Salary and benefits:
Bad!
And, uh, yeah… we’ve got BEER in the OFFICE. <3
