Anti-Aging Techniques For Babies Because You Can Never Start Too Young 

Welcome to the world, baby girl! I hope that you’ve had the last two weeks to acclimate to existing outside of the womb. It’s wild out here, right? 

Now that you’re a couple of weeks old, it’s time to start an anti-aging routine. You’re not gonna have that newborn glow forever. And you can kiss your dreams of being the next Gerber Baby goodbye if you don’t start RIGHT NOW. 

Woah, woah! Stop the tears! I know building an anti-aging regimen can be overwhelming — especially when you’re a baby. But have no fear! Dior has come through with the products that everyone was asking for: a skincare line for babies. (Yes, seriously.) 

That’s right, for only $230, you can be the lucky owner of “scented water” and for the low, low price of $115, a moisturizer that will make your skin so soft it rivals… well, a baby’s bottom! 

I mean, Cleveland Clinic verbatim says, “It’s never too early to start an anti-aging skin care routine,” and they’re doctors. So, if you want to have a healthy, glowing complexion, it’s crucial to learn anti-aging techniques as soon as you shoot out of the canal. 

(Not to be a fear monger, but Benjamin Button was a tale of caution for babies who refuse to start a skincare routine. True story.)

How Do I Start A Daily Skincare Routine As A Baby? 

Baby girl little hands touching opened white cream jar on light pink table background.

During pregnancy, the skin of a fetus (no offense) is protected from friction, damage, and sun exposure. (You lucky duck!) So if you want to grow up to be an adult with a baby face like Oscar-nominated actor Timothée Chalamet, the key is to recreate the environment of the womb. And it all starts with five simple steps: 

  1. Cleanse. Wash your face and tiny, tiny body at least once a day. Some may call this “bath time,” but there’s no reason to be condescending here.  
  2. Quit the tears. Crying in general isn’t great for the skin, so try to keep that to a minimum. And we all know smiling creates fine lines around the eyes and mouth (ew!) so nip that in the bud when possible, too. (Luckily for you, babies don’t learn to smile until around 6 to 12 weeks so you have some time to practice restraint.) 
  3. Apply serums. A powerful antioxidant, Vitamin C serum helps stimulate collagen production until you’re a collagen production factory! Baby, you will be the Ford manufacturer of collagen! This will be key in keeping your chubby little thighs so plump. 
  4. Exfoliate. Retinol is a nutrient that encourages exfoliation and increases the turnover rate of the skin. This basically means it will get rid of that old newborn skin with newer, shinier skin cells. Retinol may cause irritation though, so refer to step two as needed. 
  5. Moisturize. Hydrated skin is the sexiest skin! And there’s nothing more important than being a hot baby. Speaking of hot, you may want to also invest in a baby sunscreen to protect yourself from the sun. Nothing ages a baby quicker than the sun — and the sands of time.  


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*Legal disclaimer: This is satire, NOT medical advice. I’m not a parent. I don’t even know a baby.  

Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte (she/her) leads the lifestyle and relationship content at Betches. As an amateur New Yorker and professional bisexual, she enjoys writing about the bane of sex and relationships in the city. She is also perpetually in her messy house era despite spending all of her money on Instagram ads.