Okay, picture it: you’re all settled at the table, steadily working through that plate of turkey and mash, and the spotlight turns to you. Your brother’s new fiancé has finally stopped showing off her engagement ring — not much to brag about, Ashley — and now they want to hear about your prospects. It’s time for the interrogation.
The questions are usually not very original, so answering them is easy with a bit of practice. And with the questions comes the loaded statements, which also require an answer. I recommend creating flashcards the week before Thanksgiving and meeting up with single friends to test each other.
It’s Quiz Time!
Have you been on any dates lately?
Depends on how you define a date. I’m usually just looking for a quick fuck. Typically, we meet for a drink — so I can determine that they’re likely not going to murder me — and then we get the deed done. It’s not even very good, so it’s more just for the sake of it, like testing if your engine still works.
Are you sure you’re not being too picky?
My only requirements are they didn’t vote for Trump and won’t murder me, so I’d say I’m pretty lenient.
Don’t you want to find someone and settle down?
My issue isn’t settling down, it’s actually getting out of my house once in a while.
But we see nice [men/women/humans] on your Insta all the time!!
Gay, my friend’s partners, and celebs I’d love to fuck. Have you SEEN Josh Hutcherson right now? Yummy.
Have you tried online dating?
I had to delete Hinge to make space for another food delivery app. I couldn’t risk losing Candy Crush with my high score.
Maybe you should try matchmaking, Elise’s niece found a husband that way!
They’re divorced now and she’s really regretting not getting a prenup.
What if I die before you ever find someone?
Then you won’t have to tell me how much you disapprove of them. And maybe the inheritance will help make me more attractive in dating.
I just worry that you’re lonely all by yourself in that apartment.
Seeing as I have four roommates in a two-bedroom apartment just to be able to afford it, that’s unlikely. Also, I invested in an amazing new rabbit so I’m more satisfied than I’ve been with any of my previous partners. Thank you for being concerned about my sexual pleasure!
Are you one of those career girls?
Given that I can barely afford rent, spend my commute debating if my job has any real meaning in the world, and tried to sell feet pics (no one purchased any, so donations welcome) just to buy the new Ultra Mini Uggs, I’d say that’s a no.
How will you ever afford to buy a home alone?
I could be in a polygamous relationship with five people and still not be able to afford a mortgage. It’s not like in your days when all it took was a nickel and two goats to put a down payment on a mansion.
I saw Abigail from your high school is already pregnant with her second child.
One more and she can dress them up like the Jonas Brothers for Halloween.