I used to say that I “liked bad boys,” but I realized that wasn’t true — I just like hot men who are a little arrogant. I know I don’t like real bad boys because there are people who are actually attracted to criminals. It’s why Charles Manson got love letters in jail and why both the Menendez brothers not only found love but also got married in prison. Now, I know the Menendez brothers’ story is a lot more nuanced than someone like Manson but that’s beside the point. I’m not a true bad-boy lover because I’m not as dedicated as these women — but if you find yourself twirling your hair and blowing kisses at someone just because they break the law, there might be more to it than you think.
Listen, I kinda get the appeal: I’ve seen Good Girls, okay? I understand the tingle that goes down my spine when I hear Rio say, “Elizabeth.” But actual criminals? I like my space, but having a boo in jail? Not for me. But if collect calls from prison are your thing, it might be a little deeper than just “liking bad boys.”
Hybristophilia is the attraction to someone who’s committed crimes, which can explain why some women have the hots for men with a traumatic past. Leah Levi, psychologist and dating expert for sexploration dating app Flure, says it all comes down to that feeling we get of wanting to “fix” or “change” somebody.
She explains that people who find love for law breakers feel as if their feelings are so empathetic and inspiring that it can cause the person they’re projecting them onto to really want to be better — and that, in turn, makes them feel like they have some sort of higher purpose.
It’s easy to feel like someone who’s been knocked down by everyone around them is just “misunderstood” — and imagine how unique that makes the person who decides to love them feel. If you take the Menendez brothers for example: Because there is actual debate about the purpose behind them murdering their parents, someone might feel as if they truly are just misunderstood. And when this is the case, they become that much more interesting to them.
And if you add the extra layer of a person actually being in prison, this can deepen feelings too. Remember how you always heard “distance made the heart grow fonder”? Well, apparently structured visit times in a prison also makes the heart grow fonder. You may think that having to see a loved one in prison is the least stable thing you could do, but Levi argues that this creates such a specific structure that can actually make someone view their connection as stable and safe. I mean, what’s more romantic than having to write your partner long letters and having to yearn for them through glass?
If this sounds like you, might I suggest therapy?
