I like to say that I’ve had bad luck with therapists. I’m on my seventh (or eighth?) therapist now and am honestly considering going for my ninth. And while I’ve known that some therapists were definitely not a fit (they’ve said sexist things, only offered “get some sleep” as advice, or literally scrolled through Twitter while I cried), as I’m considering switching therapists once again, I’m taking the time to look inward. AKA, I’m trying to figure out if I, in fact, am the problem.
One of my biggest fears is that I’m wasting my time in therapy, and considering just how much money therapy costs, this is a pretty daunting concern. But Janet Bayramyan, LCSW, psychotherapist tells Betches that this feeling is pretty common, mostly because the results in therapy can take time.
“It’s about building gradual changes, and it can take time to see those changes pan out,” she says. “If you expect too much too quickly, you might feel discouraged by your progress.”
So is there a “right” way to do therapy? According to Bayramyan, “There’s no right or wrong way, but there are certain approaches that make therapy more effective.”
Here’s how you can get the most out of your very expensive therapy sessions.
Set Specific Goals
It might be easy to just say, “I want to get better,” and jump into therapy, but that might not help you get the most out of your sessions. Bayramyan suggestions figuring out what specific goals you have for therapy, and keeping them in the back of your mind as you go through sessions. Do you want to know why you settle for unhealthy relationships? Do you need help setting boundaries with yourself so that you’re not burning out?
“Getting clear about what it is that you need help with can be a helpful antidote to that feeling of wasted time in therapy,” she says.”Doing so will help you build the right skills over time and together with your therapist you can assess what your expectations might have been when you first started versus what you feel you are achieving over time.”
If You’re Not Connecting With Your Therapist, Tell Them
We all wish we could spill tea with our therapists like they’re our besties, but it takes time to get to that place. “Having good rapport with your therapist is essential for lasting progress, but you may not have a natural relationship right away,” Bayramyan says.
The solution to this, unfortunately, is not to just move on and find a new therapist (whoops), but try talking to them about it. “It could be that their approach doesn’t align with what you need, or it might be about finding ways for you to feel more comfortable and engaged in the process,” she says. “If you’re not sure whether you’re fully participating, your therapist may want to explore the areas that may be holding you back.” Think about if you’re avoiding certain topics and then flag to your therapist that you may need a certain push. They typically go at your pace, so you might just need to show them what that pace is.
Be Open And Honest
You know this already, but are you practicing it? “Therapy is most helpful when we can address whatever is coming up for you, without judgment or pressure to perform a certain way,” Bayramyan says. “Some of the most important work happens when we’re willing to look at difficult or uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.” If you’re not being open with your therapist, how do you ever expect to work on the things you want to work on?
Get Real With Yourself
And before you can be honest with your therapist, you’re going to have to be honest with yourself. Bayramyan suggests asking yourself the following questions if you’re struggling to feel like therapy has been meaningful for you:
- Am I being as open and truthful as possible about my thoughts and feelings?
- Are there certain topics or issues I avoid bringing up? Why might that be?
- Do I have concrete goals for therapy, and am I working with my therapist to check in on those?
- When something feels challenging in a session, am I sharing those feelings, or am I holding back?
If you notice that you’re not being as forthcoming as you can be, it’s okay. No need to beat yourself up about it — but you don’t want to settle into that either. Once you recognize that you’re not doing as much as you possibly can to tackle whatever issues you may be facing, it’s time to readjust and figure out a way for you to feel more comfortable sharing.
Stick To One Issue Per Session
If you’re like me, there is a lot going on in that noggin of yours. And figuring out which one of your traumatic and life-changing experiences you want to bring up in your 45-minute session every week? It can be a little daunting. Bayramyan suggests limiting yourself to 1-2 issues per session. If something’s been going on this week that you notice are bringing up issues tied to your body image or relationships, bring that up. What I’ve found to be super helpful (even though it seems super bleak) is writing out a list of everything about yourself you want to work on. Then, group them together and present them to your therapist as things you’d like to suggest. Yes, therapy has a lot to do with your emotions — but that doesn’t mean we can’t be tactical about it.
