Being friends with me is an enlightening experience. You get frequent access to treats baked in my depressive episodes. You get my encyclopedia of knowledge about reality TV, Greek mythology, and smutty fantasy books. You get Taylor Swift updates sent to group chats before PopCraze can even blink, including ten-minute voice notes reviewing her new albums. But this utopia comes with a dark side, as while it may be difficult to believe, there are downsides to befriending me. Aside from the whole raging mental illness thing blah blah, I take the Carrie Bradshaw route of putting my friends on blast in articles.
There’s a 90% chance that I will cancel any and all plans made. If I haven’t canceled plans, you can assume that I’m praying you’ll do it for me. My friends have come to accept this about me because the truth is that I don’t give a fuck about canceling our plans, and here’s why.
1. I don’t want to be there
Do you know when people say “no” is a full sentence? Well, here’s my version of that: I don’t want to be there. No, really, I don’t. If I go, I will look as miserable as a child dragged into a museum for “cultural development.” I will give the same energy as when my sister’s pomsky gets dragged out for a night-time walk. I don’t want to be there, and so I will not be pleasant if forced to be there.
It might not seem like it, but I am a really fun person. I will yap your ear off, tell ridiculous stories with the details of a Brontë novel, and support any and all of your delusions. I’ll give karaoke 200%, go to a concert of someone I’ve never heard of, and try a new restaurant despite a lack of reviews —- unrelated, but I seem to get food poisoning a lot. But I need to WANT to do these things. I am a very, very fun person if I WANT TO BE THERE.
If I don’t want to be there, I will look like a Donald Trump bobble head the entire evening. So you don’t want me there then, I promise you that. I’m doing us both a favor by staying home, feel free to send me ice coffee and silly little treats as a thank you gift.
2. The other person probably wanted to cancel
Have you ever felt the immense relief of someone canceling plans? Like you were hoping they’d cancel but didn’t feel you had a reason to cancel yourself. Then you rush to be like, “Omg, no worries, babe!! So glad you were honest!!” etc., etc. Now imagine being that person for someone else. Doesn’t that seem like a great way to actually be a people pleaser? Consider all the people you’d please just by canceling so they don’t have to!
When I’m canceling plans, I’m doing it for the both of us. I’m doing it so you have your time and energy back, as tbh you really shouldn’t be wasting it on me. I know you pack your schedule too full, so here, you’re welcome, here’s a surprise evening off from being a slay person. No need to thank me!!! Just doing the lord’s work.
3. When you cancel, you give the other person permission to cancel next time
Shoutout to my therapist, Bianca, for this one!!! (Am I allowed to name my therapist?? Is it like an AA thing where you shouldn’t? Sorry, B!). So back when I’d never cancel plans, I dragged myself, with severe tonsillitis and a raging fever, to go meet a friend for dinner. My friend was horrified by the mere look of me and asked why I hadn’t canceled. I lied and claimed I was too excited to see her, but the truth was that I was a desperate people pleaser with a fear of abandonment (the Tinder bio writes itself).
I told Bianca about this, and she was not impressed with me. She asked me how I’d feel if my friend dragged herself to dinner with me super sick and wanting to cancel because she was scared of canceling. I said that I’d feel terrible!! I’d wish they had let me know and I’d be worried why they didn’t feel they could talk to me. Sassy Bianca said, “Exactly. That’s the position you’re putting your friend in.” *mic drop*
Bianca is right, guys. By not canceling plans, you’re not giving your friend the chance to be okay with it and support you. Maybe it isn’t raging tonsillitis since you got those needy bitches removed, but just tummy aches or having a tough week, or wanting to binge a cult documentary. Give your friend the chance to show you they’re okay with it!! Trust them!!
And when you cancel plans, you give them the chance to do the same when they need it. You show them that you’re someone who will understand if it’s the other way around. When someone cancels plans, I feel so relieved because then I know I can do the same with them and not go into an anxious spiral. Slay, Bianca, slay!!
4. My time is valuable
I never used to really get why they said “time was money” because I had neither of those things, and time can’t buy you slutty tops from Zara or lemon drop shots in a dive bar. But now that I’m older and wiser and have experienced people dying — 🙂 —- I get it!! Life is so short, like shorter than you think. When we were all running around saying YOLO, we had the right idea, only the wrong context. YOLO isn’t let’s go clubbing until 5 am; it’s let’s not waste time that could be spent at home on the couch. Life is so short, so I want to spend my time doing things I enjoy, like baking 3-ingredient cookies, watching Gilmore Girls, and ingesting a million TikToks about celeb dramas. I value my time, which is why I spend it on TikTok and Instagram instead of a club. I really think some of you need to start valuing your time and not leaving your home.
5. Self-care 4eva
I used to think you needed a really valid reason to cancel plans like you broke a leg or got hit by a truck. As you can see, these were very physical ailments. But as someone who suffers from chronic depression and a horde of mental health issues, life is pretty fucking tough. I spent years forcing myself to seem okay when my depression was threatening to drag me down, and I was so focused on being what people needed that I didn’t really consider what I needed.
Yeah, sometimes you need that push out the nest or some social contact. But sometimes, you need to rest and snuggle under a weighted blanket and pretend you’re crying about the half-baked vows on Love is Blind. Sometimes, you need an afternoon spent with a coloring book, crochet, or whatever inane hobby you’re picking up now.
My mental health gets the same compassion that my physical health does. I am going to cancel because I feel depressed or anxious, and if you don’t like that, you don’t support mental health. Perhaps I want to change our plans to something a lil more manageable, perhaps I want you to come over instead for communal sloth time, or perhaps I just want to be left alone and contact you when I’m ready. If you want the best of me, then you’ve gotta support this side of me, too. Sorry, not sorry, besties.
