Once upon a time, I was all for moms deciding their own birth plans. I mean, after spending nine (technically 10) months growing a baby, they should at least get a little say in how their kid makes its grand entrance, right? Whether she has a medicated birth, an elective c-section, or does it naturally in a barn, it should be her say, and her say alone, dammit! It wasn’t until I came across a recently circling Reddit post that I started to understand how misguided my perspective was.
You see, when it comes to the vulnerable act of having a baby, it’s not about the mom-to-be’s preferences; it’s really about the bonds of family and sisterhood.
Granted, the post is a year old, but it’s been making a comeback which means I, of course, had to disregard my responsibilities to read it and ponder everything I knew about childbirth (which, granted, isn’t a ton despite having done the damn thing before).
The TL;DR of it is a guy’s wife decided she wanted to have a medicated birth. He didn’t love the idea, especially because his mom and sisters-in-law all had unmedicated births. After accidentally telling his mother that his wife was going to go the ~natural~ route (a fair mistake!!!!), he asked his wife to reconsider her birth plan.
The Full Story From Reddit:
(Note: This AITA was originally posted by a user named Street-Tax3441, but was reposted by a bot after the initial post was removed less than 24 hours later. Do with that what you will!)
From Reddit:
“My (34M) wife Beth (28F) is 33 weeks pregnant. We’re both very ready for this baby to come.
My mom is super hands on with my entire family. My two brothers wives are very close with her, but Beth has just never really “clicked” the way the other two did. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me that my wife seems disinterested in getting closer with my mom and my SILs.
For all 5 of the births of my SILs, and my mom’s 3 births, they were all unmedicated. It is clearly a point of pride for all of them at having done it “naturally.” My mom said she chose to do it because she didn’t want me and my brothers born doped up and she wanted to experience the full spectrum of becoming a mother.
Beth, on the other hand, is very fearful of birth and has talked to our doctor about being medicated. I don’t love the idea of the mother of my child being loopy and out of it at such a critical moment, but those concerns fell on deaf ears when I raised them. I felt very excluded during the discussion around pain management and neither Beth nor our doctor were receptive to my ideas.
My mom was asking me about our birth plan the other day and I don’t know why I did this, but I just sort of panicked and told her that Beth was ‘going for it the all natural way’ like she and my SILs have. To say my mom freaked out with happiness is an understatement – she was THRILLED that Beth was open to experiencing the full range of motherhood and this might sound crazy, but I think if Beth shared this right of passage with my mom and SILs, they might finally ‘gel.’
I told Beth about my slip up to see if she’d be open to changing her mind, given how how this could serve as a critical bonding experience for them to share, and she lost her mind. Yelling about how she wasn’t going to ‘compete’ with my mom and SILs during HER birth (she emphasized that it was ‘her’ birth again and again, which I don’t think is fair because it will be an experience we both go through, just differently). I was just trying to get her see that there was an opportunity for her to create some sisterhood with the women of my family. I wasn’t dictating or even pressuring her, I just thought she would want to know how happy it made my mom. She told me she ‘didn’t give a fuck about sisterhood’ which was very intense because Beth does not swear.
I wasn’t trying to upset her. I just think she would be wise to see the potential long term implications of not having this shared experience with my mom and SILs. But Beth has been furious to the point of not speaking to me for several days and I’m starting to wonder if I’m in the wrong, even if I was trying to help. AITA?”
Let’s Unpack It, Shall We?
It’s a lot to digest, but if we really dig deep, it’s pretty clear what’s going on: A supportive, open-minded, emotionally mature husband feels excluded from decisions regarding the birth of his child.
I know, I know. Her body, etc. But like, hi, she wouldn’t even be pregnant if it wasn’t for him! And let’s be real: She likely spent most of the last year napping, letting the house go to shit, FORGETTING TO MAKE DINNER, and maybe even *gasp* denying her husband physical intimacy, all with the “I’m pregnant” excuse. And what did he do? He did his best, that’s what!
He went to doctor’s appointments and tried to advocate for his own personal agenda! He talked about his wife’s most vulnerable experience with his mother to get her completely unbiased perspective! And when he told mommy dearest that his human incubator was going to forego a medicated birth (because we all know epidurals make mothers and infants totally doped up and not at all invested at the moment — it’s called SCIENCE), his wife had the audacity to call him an asshole? Nuh-uh.
Not only is his reasoning for wanting his wife to go through one of the most painful and traumatic experiences she’ll even endure without so much as a Tylenol completely valid, but he’s coming from the best place possible: He wants his mom and sisters-in-law to warm up to his wife, and doing this is what will finally (finally!) bring them together in the eternal bonds of sisterhood.
Tbh, maybe if his wife had tried a little harder to connect in the past, this wouldn’t even be an issue. But this is their chance to finally gel, for God’s sake, and maybe *she’s* being the selfish one for not even considering his side. Our leading man came to the anonymous users of the internet, humbly asking, “AITA for kindly suggesting that my wife should reconsider her birth plan so she can bond with my mom and sisters-in-law?” and honestly, my heart goes out to him. What a sticky situation he’s in!!!!
The Verdict
If there’s one thing that’s evident, it’s that the wife in this story is clearly being completely unreasonable. There’s nothing more important than putting your own wishes, desires, and values aside to make your crunchy, overbearing mother-in-law happy. Like, I’m pretty sure that’s a standard in marriage vows these days.
Did she even ask about her mother-in-law’s wishes re: the birth of her grandchild? I bet not! Even worse? I bet she wasn’t even planning on having her in the delivery room with them (don’t worry — I’m sure her husband will bring that up at their next prenatal appointment).
Giving birth isn’t just about the birthing partner. It’s not about her body, her pain tolerance, her wishes for control or medication or intervention. It’s about bonding with other women over the gold medals you received for having a baby like livestock. It’s about letting your husband take control because he’s done his research and clearly knows what’s best. And it’s connecting with family members-in-law you don’t even like in order to make your partner’s insufferable mother feel vindicated.
My hope? Despite the hundreds of comments saying the poster was, in fact, the asshole, his wife was able to see his side and have the natural birth of his and his mother’s dreams. Better yet? Maybe momma got to be in the delivery room to watch her son’s active participation in bringing her grandbaby into this world and urged her DIL to delay cord clamping (which the fam obviously does). After 35 years, it’s clear the poster’s mom still hasn’t cut his cord, and look how well-adjusted he turned out to be!
