It was a nice, relaxing Sunday afternoon when the biggest news of the election cycle fell out of a literal coconut tree: Kamala Harris is the new Democratic nominee. My phone blew up with “!!!!!” texts (all sent by me) within minutes of Joe Biden ending his presidential campaign – and I’m not the only one. I’m happy to report that we’ve gotten another leak from the Trump team text thread. It’s almost as though there’s no security over there… or, okay, we got the texts that I assume they sent. Just minutes after Biden dropped out, here’s what they were saying….
TRUMP FAMILY TEXT CHAIN
Sunday, June 21, 2024
Don Jr: FUCKKKKK
Eric: What?
Don Jr: Biden just dropped out and endorsed Kamala.
Eric: Is that Obama’s wife?
Don Jr: No, but close. She’s Biden’s VP.
Eric: Who??
JD Vance: Shit. I’d prepared so much for debating Harris.
Eric: Really?
JD Vance: Yeah, I read The Game, it’s my typical warm-up before talking to women.
Don Jr: Well, you’re going to have to get ready for whoever her running mate is. Probably a white guy.
JD Vance: Thank god.
JD Vance: BTW where’s dad? Should we see how he’s feeling about all this?
Long pause
Eric: Do you mean President Trump?
JD Vance: Oh, yeah, I just thought
JD Vance: since he picked me for the ticket
JD Vance: Nvm.
Eric: I just got an invite to go on Laura Loomer. How do you pronounce “Kamala”?
Don Jr: Idk? However you want, as long as it’s not correct.
Nikki Haley: Well, I just want to say President Trump still has my strong, strong endorsement.
Don Jr: How’d you get on this thread?
Eric: Oh, she added herself from my phone at the convention.
Nikki Haley: And I’m so, so happy to be here.
Don Jr: Nikki, did you see the Politico story saying that Harris may consider you for the VP slot? In an attempt to pick off moderates?
Nikki Haley has exited the chat.
Don Jr: This is bad, team. We gotta focus. We were ready for Biden, but we’re not equipped to handle someone who can do multiple sentences in a row. We need a new strategy.
Eric: What if we insist Biden resign his office too?
Don Jr: We tried that.
Majorie Taylor Greene: What if I start a national campaign to get coconuts designated as a terrorist group?
Don Jr: Tried that.
Elon Musk: I’ll ban Harris’ account on X.
Don Jr: Hack.
Tucker: We just need to alter our Biden attacks. We don’t need to scrap the “oldest candidate in history” angle entirely, we just need to emphasize 59 is 87 in woman-years.
Don Jr: Idk, I mean, agreed, but is that the best we got?
Rudy Giuliani: I think we can sue them for changing candidates this late in the game. I’m sure there’s some state law we broke. We just need a lawyer to–
Don Jr: Aren’t you a lawyer?
Rudy Giuliani: Well….
Don Jr: Oh, right. We’re fucked.
Jd Vance: People, people, what are we all talking about?! We’re losing our heads, here! Let’s never forget the real enemy. It’s not Biden – it’s so much more important than him! It’s transgender 8-year-olds who want to use the bathroom, and parents seeking asylum with their young kids, and women who get IUDs but still don’t sleep with me. It’s not about Schumer or Nancy Pelosi or Obama or any of his wives, it’s about the fact that we overturned Roe two years ago and my ex still has me blocked on Instagram! We gotta stay focused! There’s too much at stake! We are the Trump team, and as Trumps, we do not back down from a fight!
Long pause.
Don Jr: Okay again, not to pick a nit, but being on the “Trump team” is not the same as being a “Trump.”
Eric: Yeah he’s not your real dad.
Don Jr: Speaking of…where is dad?
Four hours later
Trump: Sorry, just seeing these now, I was taking my afternoon nap.
Trump: FUCCCCKKKKKKK he dropped out!?!?
