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Donald Trump's *Leaked* Family Group Chat After His Guilty Verdict

After this week, I’m really hoping I won’t have to see the words “hung” and “Trump” used in the same sentence ever again. For those of us who’ve been following Donald Trump’s trial along closely, it was an exhausting seven weeks. For those of us who haven’t, I’d love your therapist’s number. I was just about to log out of this trial for good, but then we got a hold of the Trump family group chat after his guilty verdict  so of course, we had to share it with you.  (Or, at least, we got a hold of what I have to imagine is the Trump family group chat, if it were at all possible that Melania and Donald ever spoke…)

 

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Donald Trump’s *Leaked* Family Group Chat After His Guilty Verdict

Melania: thank god

Melania: Oh sorry, wrong group

Don Jr: Can you believe it???

Eric: Wut???? 

Don Jr: The results are in!!

Eric: OMG

Melania: Is there a chance of jail time?

Eric: why would colonoscopy results cum with jail time? 

Don Jr: No, the trial! Dad was convicted on all 34 counts!

Eric: 4 wut???

Don Jr: Sleeping with stormy daniels. Which he didn’t even do

Eric: he didn’t??? why not??? I would

Don Jr: No, he did. I just want to make sure we all stick to the family line, though

Ivanka: He did not get convicted for sleeping with Stormy Daniels. He got convicted for falsifying documents to cover up hush money payments. You guys are morons.

Don Jr: I forgot you were on this chat

Ivanka: I’m not. I’m busy.

Ivanka has left the chat.

Ivanka has entered the chat.

Ivanka: Jared? We’re going.

Ivanka has left the chat.

Jared Kushner has left the chat.

Tiffany: Daddy the guy who was supposed to install my infinity pool was 15 minutes late, does that mean I don’t have to pay him?

Don Jr: Tiffany! Not the time. Dad’s just been convicted on 34 felony counts

Tiffany: Something is always going on with him

Melania: Do they take any kind of character witnesses in determining the sentence? JW

Eric: don can u explain the trial again. I’m keeping a running list of things that are illegal bc i keep getting in trouble for stuff i didn’t no abt

Tiffany: Does this mean we’re poor?

Don Jr: Nobody’s poor and nobody’s going to jail. We’re going to get him out of this. We will fix it. I’m talking to his lawyers now about the appeal.

Don Jr: @donald we’re here for you, dad. I’m sure you have a ton going on, but just drop us a line and let us know you’re okay. 

JD Vance: I’m just destroyed, honestly. My condolences to the whole fam, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. It’s a complete abuse of political power, and come November, we will throw the people who did this in jail for the rest of their lives.

Melania: What’s JD doing in this chat? I thought it was family only. Yet another of our many obligations

JD Vance has been removed from the chat.

Barron: oh, sorry, I let him in. He showed up at my softball game and asked if I had any insight into dad’s running mate vetting process. I said no. Then he looked rly sad and I felt bad for him.

Melania: You have such a generous spirit, sweet pea.

Barron: thanks mom

Melania: so absolutely no updates on jail time? Does he have to hang out in the jail before then? I never know how the american legal system works

Tiffany: Yeah me neither. What are the rules on construction workers who arrive late? 

Don Jr: @donald pls let us know if you’re okay. We’re all so worried about you. And we love you

Eric: ya same. Luv u

Tiffany: daddy!! Turn your phone on. I wanna send pics of the new apartment. Miss you

Barron: love you dad

Melania: barron no

Melania: oops sorry wrong thread

Four hours and 17000 Truth Social posts later

Donald: So sorry, just seeing these now!!! I haven’t had my phone

Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan is a writer/stand up comedian. She's the author of "I'm More Dateable than a Plate of Refried Beans," and the host of "Raising Questions."