If you’ve seen the season 2 premiere of And Just Like That, you know Che Diaz is comedy royalty. Since relocating to Los Angeles to film their pilot, this standup icon has blessed us with flawless, devastatingly original observations like “I had to take an Uber from my bedroom to my bathroom” and “Thank you, everybody, that’s my time.” So imagine our delight when we found Che Diaz’s most recent standup transcript crumbled on the sidewalk of the Comedy Store in West Hollywood — does it get any better than this?
CHE DIAZ’S STAND-UP SET
7/3/2023
MC: Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to the stage… Che Diaz!
Che Diaz: Hello, Los Angeles! How are we doing tonight? The City of Angels. Where dreams come true, and parking tickets haunt your nightmares. Am I right? I swear they almost made me parallel park the plane when I flew in!
(Crowd laughter and applause)
Che Diaz: If I didn’t live with my girlfriend right now, I swear I’d never see her! You’re telling me people drive from Highland Park to Culver City for a date? That’s a long-distance relationship! LA traffic can destroy a perfectly good relationship faster than a Peloton bike — no, seriously, my friend’s husband died that way.
But no, seriously, folks, it’s been great living with my girlfriend since she came out and joined me in LA. She’s not working right now — so she fits in perfectly with everyone else in this city! I’m telling you, you go to a brewery at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday in this town and it’s packed to the rafters. Why aren’t you people at work?
So for those of you who don’t know, I’m nonbinary, which in Los Angeles means no one can tell if I do pilates or CrossFit. I just think people should focus on my raw sex appeal instead. If I could slap a label on myself, it would just say Handle With Care: Gender Not Included.
But seriously, folks, coming to Hollywood means facing a lot of scrutiny and a lot of rejection. I’m waiting by the phone so much I feel like my girlfriend’s ex-husband! Sorry, Steve. She ain’t calling. Let’s just say she moved from New York to LA… so she’s off the hot dogs and onto the tacos.
(Crowd whoops and hollers)
That’s right — I successfully ushered my girlfriend onto the first train to Gay Town. But let’s be honest. When I saw her haircut, I knew it would be a short ride.
Her friends, on the other hand, seemed a little surprised. Which is concerning, considering one of them literally hosted a sex podcast! No gaydar on that woman, I guess, because let’s just say my girlfriend certainly seemed like a longtime listener, first-time caller, if you know what I mean.
Speaking of eating tacos, what’s the deal with all the taco stands in LA anyway, huh? I swear one popped up in my laundry room while I wasn’t looking the other day! There’s so much good food in this city, it really makes you wonder why everyone is always on a diet. If New York is the city that never sleeps, LA is the city that never eats! Tough to have tacos for lunch when you’re having Ozempic for breakfast!
I talk a lot of shit, but I’m actually really glad to be in Los Angeles. I came here to follow my dreams… and my girlfriend came here to follow, well, me. Talk about a U-Haul moment, huh? They say with lesbians, the first date is at the bar and the second date is at the altar. But the important thing about falling in love in LA is this: You’ll always have someone to split the Uber with.
Thank you, Los Angeles! That’s my time, you’ve been an amazing crowd. Thank you, and goodnight!
