We’ve now moved on to Week 2, Night 2 and my tolerance for drunken beach hookups is running real fucking low. On an unrelated note, so is my wine.
Anyways, let’s pick back up where we left off with Kristina crying in a sand dune and Dean looking like a beautiful piece of shit. The camera work is really on point here. Well done, ABC.
Sarah walks into Paradise and immediately beelines for Raven’s man. I’m low-key worried for Sarah rn. Does she not remember that Raven has the pent-up emotions of a woman who has only ever orgasmed at the hands of a man with a lisp Nick Viall? Also, she’s apparently infamous for beating the shit out of people with her shoes. Sarah should take comfort in the fact that it looks like Raven only brought fugly geriatric sandals to Paradise, otherwise I would not fuck with that girl.
Raven tries to sell Sarah on the idea of Ben Z, which is underhanded AF and not something I’d expect from a girl who probs lost her virginity on the back a four wheeler. Okay, Raven, I see you. It’s a good plan but Ben fucks it up by talking nonstop about his dog. This must be the one time in history a man’s dog hasn’t gotten him laid.
Sarah chooses Adam for the date and Raven looks like she may or may not slip a laxative into Sarah’s drink later. Good luck with that, girlfriend.
Okay, is Wells supposed to date on this show? Or just make shitty piña coladas? Because they’re teasing him being with Danielle M hard rn and I’m so v confused by his purpose on the show. Also, is there an application process for his job? Asking for a friend.
Production takes pity on Lacey and her tragic eyeliner and gives her a date card. Watching every single guy on this island turn down Lacey down is like looking into a mirror watching a scripted train wreck. They all look at her like they’d rather eat glass than pretend to find her sexually attractive for an afternoon.
Diggy understands that there is a rose at the end of all of this takes one for the team and goes on the date with Lacey. Their date is actually kind of cute. For some reason I thought Jorge’s Torges was a fake business designed by ABC to get rid of the last authentic part of this Mexican island going to be more like a shitty bus tour of Mexico but apparently it’s horseback tours of gorgeous beaches. Legit AF. But why do I feel like Diggy is more into the view and the champagne than Lacey, though? Seriously, he cannot list one actual quality he likes about her. That view though, he’s got some adjectives for that.
Andddd Jorge just killed the mood with the story of his conception.
JORGE: I brought you here because this spot is lucky. In the sense that my parents got ~lucky~ and I was conceived here.
ME:
Danielle M makes the super mature decision to leave this hedonistic den because Wells hasn’t noticed her boob job yet to go save children in Africa. Wtf Danielle. Why do you have to bring up the children in Africa? I’m just trying to watch people get fucked up and start some shit on a beach. Don’t make this into something it’s not.
Dominique is the next Bachelor loser contestant to walk into Paradise. I remember having Dominique high on my bracket for Nick’s season and I also remember her being sent home wayyy before her time. Fucking Nick Viall. *adds another entry to burn book*
Okay, all of these dudes HAVE to stop referring to her braids as “tropical” and “island-y”. You’re embarrassing yourselves. Stop it.
Dominique and Diggy immediately start eye-fucking each other from their cabanas and Lacey is just like:
Diggy and Dominique go on a date and honestly they look like a match made in fucking heaven. They’re feeding each other strawberries and making out in the moonlight. Is this what love looks like, people? Lacey, start packing your bags now.
OH SHIT Wells and Danielle M are making out. And Danielle is just like… wait…maybe the kids in Kenya will be fine on their own?
DEMARIO TELLS ALL… AGAIN
I’m now at hour four of watching Bachelor in Paradise and I’m starting to feel like I’m being held hostage by ABC. By “hostage” I mean I’m 100 percent here of my own volition but refuse to leave the couch lest I miss one minute of the drama. And my mother says I need to find “healthier” hobbies.
In typical Bachelor fashion they tease the scandal portion with 45 minutes of unrelated nonsense. They start by bringing out the most popular BiP contestants—and Derek. Chris Harrison dives right into the hard-hitting issues by asking Raven about Robby’s kissing technique. Jesus Christ, I’m never going to bed.
Chris then moves the conversation into its natural progression: sexual assault. This is what they pay him the big bucks for, folks—his tact. The whole cast is adamant that nothing happened and that ABC handled the whole situation perfectly. They don’t at all look like someone is pointing a gun to their heads off camera. Not at all.
The next 20-30 minutes is random BiP wedding footage and an interview with Carly and Evan to announce that Carly is pregnant with Evan’s spawn. Because pbviously that’s the most appropriate time to make such an announcement, right after interviewing cast members about their feelings on the sexual assault scandal. Tbh nothing was more upsetting to me than Evan’s comment about how his “bass can swim.”
When they finally bring DeMario out I’m emotionally drained and can’t stop picturing Evan’s basses. My eyes are burning from either sheer exhaustion or the 3-5 glasses of wine I needed to make this shit show bearable. ABC must know this from my tweets because they devote a whopping 14 minutes to the scandal. In that time Chris Harrison finally puts his TV journalism degree to good use for hard-hitting news and makes DeMario and all the girls in the audience cry.
Chris Harrison: So DeMario, what’s next for you?
DeMario: I’m sure as shit never touching this franchise with a 10-foot pole again, that’s what.
There’s no new information shared and honestly the whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth. There’s no mention of why the producer originally cried sexual assault in the first place other than the fact that DeMario is black. It’s like ABC keeps trying to make this a “teachable moment” by applauding how they handled the situation instead of having an actual discussion about consent. Or race. No, I’m still not counting Chris Harrison being like, “Diggy, as the only black man on this show and therefore de-facto spokesperson for your entire race, do you think race played a factor in all this? *everybody nods*” as a conversation.
Whatever. Can’t wait for next week when they bring Corinne out to broach the subject of slut shaming. Should be lit.
