Sex is great. You don’t need me, let alone fucking Cosmo, to tell you that. But have you ever wondered how sex could be so enjoyable one second, then the next, you’re wondering why, out of everything he could’ve put in his mouth in that exact moment, he chose to insert his fucking foot? Because same. Like things are going great, you’re crushing reverse cowgirl, when all of a sudden he word vomits some porno-inspired bullshit like, “You like that dick?” Fucking duh BRAD, why the hell else would I be here?
Don’t get me wrong, there comes a time during a betch’s dry spell (hi) where a goddamn shirtless Ralph Lauren Polo cologne ad would get me wet, so I’m not one to judge on what type of chatter turns you on in the bedroom. But if you’re gonna be the naïve and whiney Charlotte of your group, that’s fine—just don’t come crying to us, your best friends, who warned you that “you nasty bitch, you filthy slut” bedroom talk wasn’t exactly code for “I totes see myself settling down with you”. But since I know you will anyway, just prepare to pack your bags and run for the hills if he spews any of this bullshit out during sex before he has the chance to pounce and bounce.
1. “Did You Come Yet?”
You know when you were taking a timed test in school and the teacher was all, “5 minutes left,” and you were forced into a clusterfuck of a thought process that made no sense? Yeah this is like that, only you used to be able to just mark C and actually finish the test. Asking if we came yet puts a time crunch on the entire process, and solely benefits that of a fuckboy’s ego, so now the 12% chance we actually had of finishing is nonexistent. Also, pretty sure there’s a saying that goes, if it looks like a fuckboy and sounds like a fuckboy, then it’s prob a fuckboy. Or something along those lines. Well same goes for literally everything ever, including orgasms. Asking if we came during sex is like asking if I’m still hungover the Tuesday after Labor Day weekend, as in, that shit is really fucking hard to disguise. Next.
2. “Sorry, It Slipped”
Wrong hole, my ass. And I mean that with the utmost literal intent. The only thing worse than asking me to put it in exit-only territory on a first date is a surprise missile launch without my full permission. Like, at least North Korea straight-up warned us. A guy who attempts butt stuff before treating you to at least a vodka soda and kale salad is solely in it to brag to his friends later on that he actually got away with doing butt stuff. But if you’re into that sort of thing, and he asks your express permission, then like all power to you. Otherwise you should probs call the police.
3. “I Never Do This”
It’s every girl’s dream for a guy to finally admit to us that we’re the exception to the rule (thanks, Justin Long in that dumb fucking RomCom). But as your friend, I’m here to tell you that you’re not special. That’s probably mean, but whatever. If there’s any bigger lie than me claiming I’ll “be ready in 5”, it’s a guy who claims he never brings a girl home. I’m sorry to burst your fantasy bubble, but “I never do this” should send you running for the fucking hills in any context it’s ever used in. Whether he’s got an unexpected case of whiskey dick or he actually really doesn’t ever bring a girl home, start lacing up those Reeboks.
4. “You’re So Wet Right Now”
Gee thanks, tell me more about how the female sex organ miraculously functions! A bro who takes the time to let you know that your vagina is doing its job is only saying this for one of two reasons: As a shitty attempt in thinking by saying that, you’ll magically drench yourself after feeling you up over your pants for 20 minutes like he’s in fucking 9th grade, or as a pat on his own back for completing a task a tiny wand and a pack of AA batteries is much more capable of.
5. “You’re So Tight”
I believe this was actually the title of Chapter 7 in the Betches Guide to Fuckboys handbook, but if reading isn’t your thing, this is fuckboy-to-English translation for “can’t you feel how big I am?” Like, this is the type of guy who thinks it’s some sort of compliment that a vagina is snug and shockingly won’t fit the contents my goddamn purse, as if we should be returning the compliment on his “enormous” male form. FYI, I give compliments like I give head aka only maybe after I receive some first, but like, thanks for noticing I’ve been doing my kegels?
6. “Call Me Daddy”
Had I not been three glasses of Chardonnay deep, I wouldn’t even waste my time including this on the list because it’s so blatantly obvious, but mostly it’s the No. 1 reason I have actual
daddy trust issues. I would rather rupture my own ear drums with a Q-tip than associate the name I referred to my own father for 20 years straight with Ben from Bumble. Last I checked, this isn’t some tight-budget Russian porno, so unless he has the funds to support my stiletto shopping habit and weekly happy hour therapy sessions, Greg, and only Greg, will forever be the only daddy in my life.
7. *Head Push*
Every ounce of bullshit on this list may have spoken for itself, but screw what I said in the beginning because some actions actually do speak infinitely louder than words, and I’m talking about the fucking head push. I won’t even waste my time going into detail about what this means because you know exactly what I’m talking about. But I will say that a guy who attempts to plunge you further into his junk while you’re on your knees has no intention of getting down on his knee any time soon. How to tolerate such selfishness, you may ask? You don’t tolerate it, that’s how. Do you think Mulan would have just been like “thx for the assist!” if Li Shang pulled a move like that? Fuck no. That betch saved an entire country—pretty sure she doesn’t need some roided-out fuckboy’s further useless assistance, in which case a fist to his family jewels will speak even greater volumes.