The weather is getting warmer, that sweet, sweet immunity is coursing through our veins, and there’s one thing on everyone’s mind: hot girl summer! We’re wearing less and going out more, hitting on strangers, and just generally gracing the world with our attractiveness. But that right there is the problem. While the beautiful people of the internet were gleefully writing “if it stops raining, hot girl summer can begin” tweets over Memorial Day Weekend, has anyone considered the inherent erasure of Hot Girl Summer? What about the people who performed ill-advised at-home dye jobs this winter? Or the ones who never got their maskne under control? Those of us who haven’t had an eyebrow appointment in at least a quarter, whose eyelash extensions are hanging by a thread? Simply: those of us who feel uglier post-quarantine? Where’s our place in the reopening celebrations? Well, look no further. Even if, after this pandemic, you’re still only a 5 on a good day, there are thankfully some non-hot alternatives to hot girl summer. See which one speaks to you.
Shot Girl Summer
You’d think this would simply be hot girl summer, but for the vaccinated, but you’d be wrong. If you want to have a shot girl summer, you must literally become a shot girl. Walk up to your local sleazy bar, no-name vodka in hand, and pour said vodka into unsuspecting patrons’ mouths. (Submitting your resume in advance and becoming gainfully employed by said bar is an extra, but not necessary, step.)
Mean Girl Summer
It goes without saying that Wednesdays are for pink, jeans or sweatpants can only be worn on a Friday, and you can only wear your hair up once a week. (So I guess you chose today.) Perfect for those who gained weight in a short period of time; that means you’re ahead of the game! The next steps are to lose all your friends and then throw yourself into oncoming traffic. What’s that, you’ve already done the former as a result of not being able to see the friends who don’t live within walking distance in over a year, and you’ve contemplated the latter? Great, get some fake flowers for your back brace and stock up on a lacrosse stick, you grotsky little beyotch!
Guy’s Girl Summer
So you “hate drama” and “just get along with guys better”? Sounds like you’ve been having a guy’s girl summer for quite some time. If you enjoy drinking beer, watching sports, and making everyone uncomfortable with your overly vulgar jokes and insidiously sexist descriptions of other women, this could be the path for you. Say goodbye to Sunday brunches because you’ll be glued to a TV screen instead. Not like that bothers you, since you “never got” the appeal of brunch. Sure, mimosas do have a lot of sugar, but have you considered that beer is just fermented bread? You have a little buffalo sauce on your chin, BTW.
Gone Girl Summer
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This option may appeal to Type-A planners and enthusiastic journalers, because it requires lots of advance planning. Or at the very least, you could put that poorly done at-home dye job to good use by incorporating it into your new identity. Fun! Make sure all your assets have been liquidated and you have your fake ID from college. Then bust out your list of all the men in your life who’ve wronged you and vanish, framing one good-for-nothing man for your disappearance and another for your attempted murder and eventual return. Please note, Gone Girl Summer is not meant for Instagram documenters, since posting on social media is not allowed while you’re pretending to be dead. The first place the cops will look is your Instagram stories.
Cheetah Girl Summer
Given the amount of midi-length leopard print skirts proliferating the streets of New York City, we could all be having a Cheetah Girl Summer. Add a score of original pop girl power anthems, three of your closest friends, and 86 any sense of shame around singing and dancing in public, and your summer is going to be a movie. Specifically, a Disney Channel Original Movie.
Working Girl Summer
Normally, “work” and “summer” are basically oxymorons, but we make one exception for exacting revenge on your conniving boss after she steals your idea without giving you proper credit. Go ahead, impersonate her for your own gain—so long as you don’t need her for a reference later on.
Kiss The Girls Summer
No queerbaiting allowed—in fact, sort of the opposite. Your main rivals are a creepy masked man who goes by Casanova and another sadistic POS by the name of the Gentleman Caller. I know, I know, those are also the codenames you and your friends have given for your two most recent Hinge dates. The important things to remember if you do decide to have this type of summer are to always be on the lookout and trust no one, especially men. Some unexpected twists include jumping off a cliff and arson. At least it’s more exciting than running into people you hate at Gurney’s. Hope you have good health insurance!
Images: Visual China Group via Getty Images/Visual China Group via Getty Images; Giphy (2); saralememe / Instagram