4th Of July Cocktails That'll Make You Forget You Hate It Here

It’s that time of year again! We’re gathering during a global pandemic to celebrate the creation of one singular country that’s never equally valued its inhabitants!

Things haven’t been ideal for a while—dating apps are free but Photoshop costs money, our infrastructure is literally falling apart, and buying a house involves….paying way more than the house is worth as an offering to the house gods who may still reject you?! Feels like a scam. But you want to be around people while making it clear you don’t want to be around people for America

Don’t be a party pooper, though. We just really need this after a year indoors, on Zoom, with our sh*tty roommates. And you know you love to party more than you hate it here! So ignore the current sociopolitical climate and the fact that the United States hasn’t been tolerant… ever (and intermittent quality doesn’t make up for overall lacklusterness!), and down these 4th of July spirits to forget you have no 4th of July spirit!

Watermelon Blueberry Cool-Your-Nerves-About-Being-Around-More-Than-Two-People-In-a-Semi-Enclosed-Space-Oh-God

It’s been a while since you’ve been around this many people. Forget about your social anxiety with some sweet watermelon mixed with blueberry vodka to calm down those red-hot nerves.

Red, White, and Blew It Protecting Your Financial Data Spritzer

Add a cute raspberry garnish to some white wine and voilà!—you’ll sip down so many of these delicious drinks you’ll forget Russia probably has all of your bank info because of poor government oversight!

Campari Basil Moderna Mojito

The subtle red, wide, and blue shades of this drink will help your memory lapse about last month’s Moderna side effects. We’re still in a global pandemic, in case you forgot.

Blueberry Daiquiri with Cherry Garnish (Your Wages)

That rent moratorium will end soon, and if you can’t pay your rent or the loan you’ll have to take out to pay the rent you can’t pay, then what? Restarting repayments on student loans is the fun, fruity cherry on top. Loan forgiveness? Never heard of her!

Layered Voter Suppression Shooter

One part grenadine (to make the redlining go down smoother), one part Blue Curacao (to highlight the bitterness of inequality), and vodka whipped cream on top (reppin’ white supremacy). This delicious 4th of July treat is meant to show you the layered nuances of our voting system, and then promptly put them out of your mind and down your throat hole.

Jell-O™ Shot Summer

They’re red. Or pink. Or whatever. Who even cares? Enough of these babies and you’ll forget not enough people are getting vaccinated and the Delta variant is spreading.

Blueberry Rosé Sorbet Wish We Had a Voting Day Holiday

Prepared correctly, this will probably turn out purple, but does that really matter? Representation is important—put a sparkler in it.

Berry Float-Your-Nurses Mimosas

With the Delta variant picking up speed, hospitals will float all available nurses to specialized COVID units! But why worry about that? Float your worries away with this frozen blend of berries and as much clear rum as your liver can take! Forget your immune system entirely!

Krakatoa Firecracker

Mix raspberry and blue raspberry syrup with pineapple vodka in a tall-ass glass and light the whole thing on fire. Light your backyard on fire. Light everything on fire. You hate it here.

This 4th of July, stay safe, stay sunburn free, and stay blacked out until the DOJ finishes sorting out Georgia!

Image: Simone Wave /; Elena Veselova, Elena Shashkina, Pinkcandy, ShotnCut

Brooke Knisley
Brooke Knisley
Brooke Knisley is a disabled writer who has written comedy for the New Yorker, McSweeney's, Playboy, Rewire News Group, Weekly Humorist, and others. She has balance issues. For more jokes, follow her on Instagram and Twitter.