As we’ve said before, heterosexual guys and girls can’t really be friends, because in almost every situation at least one party is just biding their time until the other person lets their guard down and finally lets them smash. The friend zone (a term which we object to on principle but will use for convenience sake here) can be a chill place when you and your guy friend have both agreed that’s where you’d like to be, but as literally every sad Reddit commenter has taught us, a lot of guys are only in the friend zone because they don’t know how to get out if it. For these guys, being in the friend zone is like when you go to a party where and there’s no more alcohol left, just sober people playing Apples to Apples—you want to GTFO as quickly as possible. In order to spare the men in your life this turmoil (because men have it really hard these days), here’s how to tell if they guy who you describe as “like a brother to me” is actually more interested in getting in your pants.
1. He’s Always Free To Hang Out When You Want To Do Something
Even your besties aren’t always free when you are. If your guy friend is always available, he’s def bailing on other plans just so he can reply “nm what are you up to” when you ask him what he’s doing. It’s also safe to assume that he’s lied and said he’s hungry even though he just ate dinner. He also low-key missed his grandma’s funeral so that he could make your birthday party, and ended up having to Facetime into the wake while you were on the dance floor making out with a rando.
2. When You Talk About Dating Other Bros He Thinks They’re All Assholes
To be fair, a lot of men are assholes, but most guys give each other the benefit of the doubt/don’t give enough of a fuck to shit talk someone they don’t know. It’s like a bro code. Dudes will always stand up for fellow dudes’ shitty logic, even if it means justifying punching through a window as a reasonable strategy for conflic resolution—unless, of course, he wants to date you. Then, suddenly, no dude is enough for you. They’re all too dumb, too shady, or too tiny-penised to deserve your attention. If you actually listened to his advice, you’d realize that the intelligent, honest, big-dicked man of your dreams is right in front of you. Unfortunately for him, you never will because why would anyone ever take their guy friend’s advice about dating?
3. He Has Called You His “Fake Girlfriend” Or Introduced You As “Wifey” As A Joke
Guys have a hard enough time calling their real girlfriends their girlfriends, so the fact that he even wants to label you as anything other than a friend is his way of testing the waters to an actual relationship with you. Next thing you know he’ll be like, “Wouldn’t it be cute if you wore my Grandma’s old wedding ring?” and “Hahahaha what if you signed this marriage certificate?”
4. You’ve Never Actually Met Any Of The Girls He’s Dated
He will mention going on dates sometimes, but you’ve never met any of these girls. Who are they? Even a brief look at his Instagram will show that his interactions with females are limited to tagging you in photos, liking your photos, commenting on your friends’ photos of you, and the occasional Russian sex bot. When some rando girl eventually does pop into his life, it’ll take about two days for her to realize who the real woman in his life is and commence hating you with a firey passion. She’ll spend the entire relationship being fake AF to your face and demanding to know why you’re his best friend on Snapchat behind closed doors.
5. He Takes You Out For Dinner On Your Birthday
Anything other than buying you a shot at a birthday party all your friends are already at is a lot to begin with. But if he takes you out for a separate meal on your birthday, he’s either trying to date you or adopt you. Probably the former, all things considered. He’ll probably even jokingly refer to it as a “date” like five to 10 times before you realize what’s going on, pretend to have a birthday emergency, and tell him you’ll Venmo him for half the bill knowing full well he’ll never charge you.
6. He Walks You To Your Car/Door/Subway Stop When You Say Goodbye
After you guys hang out, he makes a point to walk with you to the farthest point he can accompany you to, because he doesn’t want to say goodbye. Also he’s probably hoping he will finally make a move, but he won’t. He’ll just walk you to your door at which point you’ll tell him about the hot new guy who moved into your building, get distracted by your phone, and go inside without even so much as an awkward side hug. He’ll chill on your porch for another 5-10 minutes, debating running inside and confessing his love, before going home and masturbating to your Snap story instead.
7. He Responds To Your Texts Right Away
This one is self explanatory. Your mom doesn’t even do that.
8. When You Go Out With With A Group Of Friends, He Never Hits On Other Girls
I mean, unless you count all those drinks he bought you. You try to point out girls for him to talk to, but he always seems to have a problem with them. They’re not pretty enough, they look bitchy, too blonde, too tall, too skinny, not you, etc…
9. He’s Always The First To Comment On Or Like A New Pic When You Post It
It’s almost like he has an alert set for your Instagram posts (he does).
10. He Always Watches Your Snapchat And Instagram Stories
He’s hoping you’ll give him a clue to how he can get you to like him more. It’s like, he’s just hanging by his phone hoping you’ll post “First person to watch this gets to be my boyfriend!” but alas, it’s just another dog face selfie.
11. He Remembers Shit About You That You Don’t Remember Telling Him
He remembers that every day in third grade you used to share your lunch with that little skinny squirrel, and that time you read your poem “I Wish I Was A Mermaid” to your entire fifth grade class and your hands were shaking. Also, he named his boat after you.
12. He Says “You’re Cool” Or “You’re Great” Just Because
I mean, we know we are cool and great, perhaps even “grool,” but he’s spending time during his day thinking about you enough to warrant an unsolicited compliment text, and that means he sees you as more than a friend. Also he’s like, a little obsessed and there’s no way he wouldn’t be the type of boyfriend that wants to merge calendars to figure out exactly how to meet up at every available point in the day. It’s exactly this clingy obsession that will always prevent the two of you from being together, and will inspire his inevitable future career as a Men’s Rights Activist on YouTube.