A few days ago, we posted something on Insta about the absolute easiest way to make a bride who’s currently planning her wedding freak the f*ck out during this crazy state of affairs: telling her to “just go with it.” Oh, really, Karen, just go with it? This isn’t 2011, I’m not pretend-engaged to Adam Sandler, having nightmares about Nicole Kidman’s plastic face, and I’m def not Jennifer Aniston in the height of her hotness, so I will not just go with it.
I mean, realistically, of course we literally will “just go with it”—obviously no one wants to put their family members’ and friends’ health at risk by proceeding as planned. Still, saying that is not exactly helpful, because what other choice do we have?
Even though there are a lot worse things happening in the world right now, brides who are dealing with their weddings going up in flames aren’t too into the “feel better, babes, things could be worse” rhetoric that everyone is trying to pacify them with. Of course things could be much, much worse, but people are allowed to feel upset that their milestones are getting derailed. Truly, the only thing that’s passable right now is saying “well, at least you have your health!” Every bride (we hope) understands the sickness and devastation that a huge number of people are confronting at this very moment and feels fortunate not to be in their harrowing positions. That being said, it’s still sad to be a bride during the age of corona; there’s no need for the unsolicited advice from friends and fam.
Here are 10 things we’ve overheard people saying to brides, and even though they mean well, they don’t need to be said. Like how Ellen talking about quarantine being jail doesn’t need to be said.
1. Well, You Hated Wedding Planning Anyway, Maybe This Is A Blessing In Disguise?
I’ve hated wedding planning like every bride hates wedding planning; it’s a necessary evil. But it doesn’t mean that I wanted to wake up to a pandemic and have to pack it all in. I put in those hours, I was ready to get this sh*t show happily ever after on the road, and now we have to wait. It’s not really a blessing, either, because now I pretty much have round two to plan for our new date.
2. Wow, I’m So Sorry, But So Glad You Got That Insurance
So, you either got it or you didn’t. If you didn’t get it, then noooo one likes to be reminded about how easily they could have avoided screwing themselves over. Thanks, mom, way to just dump salt into my open wounds. If you did get it, then yay, but actually, do you even know to what extent your coverage applies? There are several kinds of wedding insurance, but if you don’t have outright postponement and/or cancellation insurance, then you might still be responsible for a lot of the financial recovery. Yeah, the insurance, where would I be without the wedding insurance? Same status, probs, just drinking a lot more…
3. Okay, But Really, If You Keep Busting Your Ass You’re Going To Slay In That Gown
Yup, that’s exactly what I’m thinking as I take a box of recently hoarded Thin Mints to the face. Shedding for this wedding needs to die, because I was in a good head space with the way I looked. I have my Spanx, my boobs are banging, my gown was fire. Now I have to find somewhere to keep my dress, and hope that my quarantine weight doesn’t completely destroy my alterations before I get to the altar.
Not to mention the hundreds I just spent on new swimwear for the honeymoon… let’s hope these monokinis are still cute next year.
4. Isn’t Your Wedding In October, Though? This Will Totes Be Over By Then
Oh, really? When did you start working for the CDC??! Even those geniuses don’t know when this virus is going to literally stop plaguing us. I’d love to say that things will be normal by then, but that’s just wishful thinking at this point. I’m not waiting much longer to figure out our game plan. It’s too much stress.
5. Eloping Is #Goals, Did You Really Want To See All Those People At The Wedding?
I mean, again, necessary evil. I wanted a big wedding, I was going to accept all the love and well wishes at our ceremony, and then practice my own version of social distancing starting at cocktail hour. That’s why we have an open bar and why I gave my photographer a briefing on who she could steal me away from with an “oh I just have to get this pic!” excuse. Now, it’s just us, because I just can’t get on board with FaceTiming our vows. Def not my vibe.
6. This Is Why I’m Still Single. No Drama
Please, don’t make this about you. This is my hell, not yours. And P.S. Your being single has nothing to do with coronavirus. Good try, though.
7. At Least Now You Can Send Out One Of Those Cute Change The Date Cards, That’s Fun, Right?
Yes, those change of plans cards are super cute, but you kind of have to be a relaxed, chill couple to send one of those out. I’m just too severe for that, it’s not believable LOL. Plus, we already sent out actual save the dates, and umm, invitations… I’ve maxed out my frivolous stationery spending, so if someone wants to help out with that, I’m down to hear those promo codes…
8. With Everything Going On, Have You Decided If You’re Going To Postpone The Wedding?
Postponing the wedding? Wait, what? Yes, Aunt Susan, I am well aware that large gatherings are pretty frowned upon at the moment (slash nearly illegal). I apologize that this uncertainty is screwing with your life and social calendar, and wish I had more answers for you. Unfortunately, I just haven’t figured our contingency plan out yet. Rest assured, I’m working with my wedding planner and an entire crew of vendors to troubleshoot this I Do disaster, and I expect that we’ll be coming to a decision ASAP.
Hah, sorry, that didn’t sound like me. What I actually meant was you have our wedding website, Suz; just keep refreshing and when we know what’s up, you will too.
9. OK, But Really, You’ve Already Been Through The Worst
Ugh, you just cursed my new date, please leave.
10. Bright Side? You’re Not Married, But You’re Still Together
Yep, for 24 hours, 7 days a week now. No, I know, not sure how I could handle this quarantine as a soloist, but also not sure we’ll want to get married after 4263 days of isolation. I’m already starting to cringe when he says “beer me” at 3pm. How not to hate my future hubs, let’s go.
… And if you’re a bride who feels so sorry for anyone who had to postpone or cancel their wedding when yours was somehow spared a few weeks before things went so south, just keep comments about your #blessed-ness to yourself, buried deep, deep down. We’re really happy for you, but please just let us feel sorry for ourselves for a hot sec, we have a postponed wedding planning mug of coffee vodka to get back to.
This is our PSA to anyone who knows someone with an originally planned 2020 wedding, be kind, so that the bride doesn’t nix your plus-one perk for the next one. Offer help, emotional support, or wine—preferably all of the above.
Images: mulugeta wolde / Unsplash; betchesbrides / Instagram; Giphy (5)
