10 Disappointing Things No One Tells You About Your Wedding Day

It’s the most MAGICAL DAY EVER, or so everyone wants you to believe. This is fucking it—the months (possibly years) of planning, fighting with your mom about tables, crying because your fiancé doesn’t care about napkin colors, arguing about whether or not the dog should carry the rings down the aisle, and settling on the perfectly perfect sparkler sendoff are about to be things of the past. In other words, it’s your wedding day, betch.

You may think you have this shit on lockdown, that everything will go perfectly and according to plan. IT WON’T, SO GET OVER IT. You’re still going to probs get married (as long as like, the groom shows up lol) and have an amazing time. But like, just keep this shit in the back of your brain, too. Nobody prepares you for the following less-than-great aspects about your wedding day, but they should. That’s why I’m like, such a good friend.

1. You Won’t Remember A Lot

I remember bits and pieces of my wedding day—it’s like when you brown out but don’t fully go blackout. I remember when people bring shit up to me, but a lot of it’s a blur, and I wasn’t even THAT drunk until about an hour into the reception (see #10). It’s fine, accept it. You’re still going to have a good fucking time.

2. You Probably Won’t Have Time To Eat

Ugh, this is like, the worst part. You’ll try to eat some breakfast, but you’ll probs be so nervous you won’t want it. When dinner finally fucking rolls around, you’ll eat a few bites then be off shaking hands and taking checks. Plan to order a pizza once you and hubs get back to the hotel room.

3. It Won’t Go As Planned

No matter how many times you tell the limo to go to the WEST gardens and not the EAST Arboreatum, he may still fuck up and you’ll have to scream at him as you’re merging on to the wrong fucking highway and on a tight fucking timeline. You’ll look back on that shit and laugh. You may rent an antique car and the heat of summer causes that shit to break down. Yah, it’ll be devastating for a few minutes, but literally everyone will be bending over backwards to keep you from having a mental breakdown, so it’ll be k.

4. Someone Will Be Late…

…or wear the wrong shoes with her bridesmaid’s dress, or forget her shawl, or sneeze in the middle of your vows. If you have good bridesmaids, they’ll make you forget that shit is happening. Plus, you literally won’t give a fuck since your focus will be on not barfing from fear.

5. Your Dress Will Get Fucking Filthy/Destroyed

But like, you’re likely not wearing it again, so it’s fine. Just don’t expect to hang up a clean, nice bridal gown. The train of mine had mud and whiskey on it; my mom set hers on fire (sorta) when she leaned over a candle. Expect that shit.

6. You’ll Be Sad When The Day Is Over

If you’re sad for WEEKS after, there’s something wrong. But you will def be a lil bummed when everyone leaves and your days and DAAAAYYYSS of planning and picturing your perf day are over. It’ll be ok; now you can eat carbs again.

7. You Probably Won’t Cry, But Everyone Else Will

You may get teary when you’re walking down the aisle, but you probs won’t all-out cry. The adrenaline will keep you in a He-Man / Power Ranger state of mind where you only have one purpose—to fucking marry the shit out of this other person. Your bridesmaids will totally cry, depending on how many mimosas they have before the ceremony.

8. You Will Probably Pass Out After

Literally like 75% of people I know did not have sex on their wedding night. Why? Cause you’re fucking exhausted. Like, at the end of the night, nothing will be better than getting out of that dress, taking out the millions of bobby pins in your hair, and passing the fuck out. You’ll probs have sex in the morning, so it’ll be fine.

9. You Will Gain Weight

That crash wedding diet literally set you up for failure, so unless you plan on sticking to never eating sugar, carbs, or dairy for the rest of your life, prepare to put on some poundage starting the minute you shove that wedding cake into your face hole. And like, you’re married now so you can totally stop trying.