For more advice on dealing with a fuckboy, check out our book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies: How To Find Love And Sh*t Like That
So I have one of those really stupid problems that probably only people in their early 20s have.
I am a sophomore at a really prestigious college and me and this friend of mine both weren’t doing well in our classes: we were totally failing out and bonded over that a lot last semester (sorry, had to mention the prestigious part, so it doesn’t seem like we’re too dumb for community college).
During the finals we started to hook up regularly. It was a stupid idea for numerous reasons (same circle of close friends, he is one of my best friends at college…), but in a time were I was so on edge, I just did what made me feel less crazy and I said to myself, that I would deal with it later. And before we started we said we should keep it non-committal, because we both agreed that we would just not work together in a relationship. Also, I thought it didn’t matter too much, because we were in real danger of getting kicked out and the chances that we would both make it out alive were close to zero.
But now the grades are out and we both did pretty well, the new semester started and we are still hooking up. Only not really, it’s more like: we are acting like we are in a relationship when none of our friends are around to see us and otherwise we are just friends? And I am so not a fan of that. I start feeling like I am overanalyzing everything and reading too much into it, because he may behave sweet when I am around (cuddling, letting me cry on his shoulder after a really nasty fight with my sister, paying for my stuff, saying all these romantic things about needing me and liking me around), but he also never acknowledges his behavior afterwards other than in a casual btw-manner and avoids making the first step like the plague. It may seem like he is a complete fuckboy, but he actually is a nice person. After being friends with him for years now, I know that for a fact. I mean, he does always come through for me, when I need him. Oh and another problem is, that I got so used to being in this sorta relationship, that I am not sure, if I can let it go. It’s just so nice, that you can just go to someone and fall asleep with them after a shit day. I probably did start liking him after all those months and got sort of lost in the play-pretend.
I just know I need to sort this out soon, because we literally can’t be in a relationship. Let’s be honest: I am sort of high-maintenance; I like going to the ballet and travelling and designer handbags and he is kind of a nerd and likes video games and is the most down-to-earth person I know. Another thing is, that he has some mental health issues, which he won’t address and I could not deal with that (not the issues, but how he is just not properly taking care of them).
If he was just a normal hookup I would just freeze him out, hope that those feelings go away quickly and that would be it. But he is one of my best friends and I would never be able to avoid him anyways, because we have all the same friends and are in a student club together.
This is why I technically have this rule about never starting anything with friends or even friends of friends. In the end it’s always a confusing mess and I am so not here for that. And it is pretty weird to me, because normally I am quite independent and not that into romance and touchy-feely stuff (I have been called ice queen before).
So yeah, what should I do about that situation? Let the “relationship” just run its course? Make an effort to let it fade out gradually? Do the “clean cut” thing, to let him know he f*** up by not being real with me like ever? Or something completely different?
Betch from Europe
PS: Excuse my English, it’s not my first language. Oh and I have been a huge fan of your website for years now!…
Dear Mila Kunis,
Looks like you got yourself into a classic friend with benefits situation. I know that it can be confusing when a guy is fucking you, telling you he doesn’t want commitment, and still acting like a decent human to you, and therein lies the problem with FWB situations. It feels like a relationship because there’s some mutual respect as humans there, but it’s not because, in your case, he doesn’t acknowledge you in public. For what it’s worth, I don’t think this guy is a fuckboy, though I could understand how you might feel like he’s a fuckboy. But the way I see it, you guys established boundaries to your FWB arrangement beforehand and he’s just sticking to them.
Luckily, your course of action seems pretty easy to me. You can still stay friends with him, but let the hookup aspect fade away slowly. It shouldn’t be that hard since you admit he’s never the one to initiate. If he does try to Netflix and chill (that’s a common American phrase for “watch a movie and probably have sex later”), just keep throwing out vague excuses until eventually he gets the hint. You don’t need to “let him know he fucked up by not being real” (how, though?) or make a big deal about it.
Inaction is always my favorite course of action,
For more advice on dealing with a fuckboy, check out our second book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies: How To Find Love And Sh*t Like That