You know how people say you’re a total sociopath if you don’t yawn when you see someone else yawn, because that means you don’t understand empathy? Honestly, I just yawned like three times writing that because even reading the word yawn makes me yawn, but *Gretchen Weiners voice* that’s because I’m such a good friend. Anyway, I think there’s actually a new test to see if someone’s a sociopath, and it’s whether or not they hysterically cry while watching Queer Eye. No offense, but if you don’t totally lose your shit at least once an episode, you’re probably an awful person. It’s the kind of inspiring, heartwarming television that makes you look at yourself and wonder how five beautiful gay men could make you a better person with only a few avocados and some Crate and Barrel furniture. Well, thanks to me, you now no longer have to wonder how the Fab Five would transform you into a better person. Here’s what Tan, Jonathan, Bobby, Karamo and Antoni would do to make you suck less based on your zodiac sign.
Aries
As an Aries, you’re like, always in a rush and never make any time for yourself. But being busy doesn’t mean your permanent fixture of a boring ponytail is justified. Jonathan would prob hook you up with a travel sized Ouai Haircare kit, so you have a little battalion of shit to carry in your bag to save your hair on the go.
Taurus
Taurus is kind of the worst case scenario for a show like Queer Eye, because it’s a sign that’s really overly cautious and super stuck in its ways. You’ve probably been wearing the same dark wash skinny jeans and plain top forever. Maybe you occasionally spice things up by dabbling in whatever the current mainstream necklace trend is. (AKA, you used to have a few statement necklaces. Then you moved to a simple black choker. Now you’re wearing a dainty gold chain. Yawn.) Tan would prob take you to like, Madewell, stock you up with classics, and show you how to elevate your favorite basics to create your own personal style.
Gemini
Geminis never STFU, so when it comes to entertaining, you probably think it’s sufficient to throw a jar of Trader Joe’s salsa and a bowl of Tostito Scoops on the table. As long as there’s good conversation, you’re having a decent time. While I’m sure your friends totally love hearing all about your new experiences at Orange Theory (oh wait, I lied, they don’t), if you want to throw like, a real adult hangout, you need to step up the snacks. Enter Antoni and his avocados. He will teach you how to make an extremely fancy guacamole, because what else was he going to do?
Cancer
Cancers are super sensitive homebodies who have a tendency to obsess over material items for emotional appeal. AKA, you’re all fucking hoarders. Bobby would most likely spend his time trying to find a creative, non-tacky way to consolidate all of the shit you’ve accumulated over the years into something really cute. But, since you’re probably not going to be on Queer Eye anytime soon, I feel like it’s my responsibility to let you know that it’s time to throw away all of those cheerleading competition shirts from high school. Stop being weird.
Leo
It’s like, written in the stars that Leos are really into great clothes and food, so you probably don’t need a ton of help in those areas of your life. However, Leos are a fire sign, and although that usually leads them to be passionate and courageous, it can also result in jealousy or aggression if you don’t know how to harness your intense energy. If you were on Queer Eye, you’d probably be in like, some confusing montage at a kickboxing gym while Karamo throws a few inspirational quotes your way.
Virgo
If you’re a Virgo, I’m going to guess that your Instagram stories typically consist of acai bowls and a fridge full of prepped meals. We get it. You’re healthy. Remember that time on Queer Eye when Jonathan showed those really hot firefighters how to make their own face masks? You should totally try it yourself. Combine egg whites and peach until you have a disgusting pudding consistency, and then save yourself a million dollars while you also clear your skin. Can you believe?
Libra
As an air sign, Libras have a tendency to think of really great ideas and then never actually finish them, because they can be super lazy. You’ve probably created a Whole30 board on Pinterest, and then only stuck with it for like, 10 days. Bobby would light a fire under your ass and hang up all the shit you bought to create a gallery wall in your living room, but never got around to hanging up.
Scorpio
Scorpios are already known for being pretty fierce, so I’m assuming that a lesson on how to “spray, delay and walk away” would be a total waste for you. Instead, the Fab Five would probably want to focus on your eating habits. You kind of have a tendency to eat whatever you want whenever you feel like it. Antoni would give you a few recipes for making healthy, wholesome snacks so you can stop ordering greasy Thai food on Seamless for no reason. Hopefully, you’re into avocados and grapefruit.
Sagittarius
As a Sagittarius, you have a very eclectic style that’s probably a result of all of the interesting adventures and trips you’ve taken. I know that just sounded like a compliment, but I’m actually subtly begging you to stop posting #tbts from your semester abroad. Bobby would most likely find a way to tastefully incorporate all of the cool shit you’ve acquired into an a dope space. We all know the whole tapestry and fairy lights thing is a little played out, so it’s probably time for you to find a new way to let other cultures inspire your apartment decor, anyway.
Capricorn
Capricorns have a reputation for being really practical and business oriented, so I’m gunna guess that your closet needs some attention. Your status as a HBIC does not lock you into a lifetime of Banana Republic trousers. Tan would def hook you up with some edgy suit separates in badass colors, prints, and fits.
Aquarius
Aquarians value their personal freedom probably only second to straight white dudes who feel shaded by women’s rights, so no matter how much skincare advice and avocado toast the Fab Five can give them, they’ll never be hugely successful in a relationship until they truly learn to let people in. Karamo would probably take you on a drive in that enormous truck that’s a pretty good use of product placement, and have a heart-to-heart with you about why you can still be a unique individual if you’re in a relationship.
Pisces
Pisces are really creative, but they’re also really gentle. If there’s a bold hairstyle you’ve always wanted to try, you should totally let Jonathan’s pursuit of living your most fun life inspire you to stop being so boring and just try it. This is 2018. Pretty much anyone can have like, pink hair or a neck tattoo without it being a big deal. Just go for it.
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