WTF Is This Memo Republicans Are So Obsessed With?

While everyone was still hungover from the weekend on Monday night, House Republicans voted to make a classified document called the Nunes Memo public. The memo supposedly confirms Donald Trump’s beliefs that the FBI is out to get him and that the Russia investigation is one big anti-Trump political attack. Final say on the memo going public comes down to him, so naturally he’s leading the #ReleaseTheMemo campaign and is potentially rumored to be exposing it today. Here’s a rundown of what might happen if it does drop and what might be inside so you can, like, get with the memo (LOL I crack myself up).

Who TF Is Devin Nunes?

TBH when I heard “Nunes Memo,” my first thought was, “Woah, the actor who played Oscar on The Office is getting into politics? Good for you, Oscar!”

Turns out there’s more than one person named Nunes in the world (plus they don’t even spell it the same way – it was a hard stretch). The man behind the memo is Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee and loyal bestie of Trump. He served on Trump’s post-election transition team and has spoken up in defense of the President on numerous occasions. It’s pretty clear where his loyalties lie, so right away, you can bet that this memo is going to be more than just a passive aggressive post-it note on the White House office fridge telling the Democrats to stop drinking his LaCroix.

What’s In The Memo?

The memo is reportedly packed with some majorly juicy goss that, if true, could mean serious trouble for the integrity of the FBI. Nunes claims to have uncovered proof that the FBI and Justice Department are biased against Trump and are only conducting the Russia investigation as a means to attack him and make him look bad.

Trump to the FBI:

Back in the Fall of 2016, the FBI applied for a warrant with the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court (FISA) to wiretap a Trump adviser named Carter Page, on suspicions that he might have secretly been a Russian agent. However, Nunes alleges that the FBI got their evidence of Page’s ties to Russia from a document called the Steele dossier – which was written by a British spy and conveniently funded by the Hillary campaign and the Democratic National Committee. So if that’s what the FBI is basing their investigation warrant on, it might suggest that the FBI plays political favorites, and that their favorite is literally anyone who doesn’t have orange skin, tiny hands, and a love for eating cheeseburgers in bed. Following so far? Because this theory is twisted AF and there’s still tons more yarn to pin up on the conspiracy cork board.

Who’s Getting Dragged?

If this memo does get out, it has the potential to really fuck up a lot of people’s jobs – especially when it comes to the Russia investigation. The person who signed off on the FBI’s renewal application to keep the warrant open was Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. Rosenstein also just so happens to be the guy supervising Mueller’s entire investigation and protecting him from getting fired without actual cause. Call me Olivia Benson, because I’m pretty sure I just cracked the case on where this is going next.

Say the memo actually does uncover some shady partisan shit, Rosenstein is definitely at risk of being implicated for letting it slide, potentially proving that he’s biased against Trump too. If that happens, Trump could have reason to dust off his favorite phrase again and fire Rosenstein’s ass. With Rosenstein out of the way, the White House would have direct access to Mueller, and no one to tell them Mueller shouldn’t get the boot, effectively ending the Russia investigation if he gets fired as well. Trump is honestly using this memo to crack Rosenstein the way Janice Ian cracked Gretchen Wieners to eventually crack the lock on Regina. It’s risky. It’s diabolical. It’s so fetch.

How Do The Dems/Repubs Feel?

Naturally the Democrats and Republicans have VERY different feelings about this memo, because they’d sooner watch the National Mall go up in flames than come to a common stance on anything. Republicans are thrilled about the possible release of the memo, since they feel that it shows indisputable evidence that the FBI is v scandalous and is using their resources to attack Trump based on personal and political bias. Democrats, on the other hand, are desperately trying to stop this memo from getting out, claiming it’s completely skewed and cherry-picks the facts to make it look like the FBI did something wrong, when really it’s four pages of straight bullshit.

Weirdly enough, no one seems to care very much about changing policy or reforming the process of applying for warrants, which could mean that the main motive behind releasing the memo is really just to find a way to get closer to firing Mueller and ending the Russia probe for good. But, like, no guilty person would ever want to halt a major investigation before it has a chance to find key evidence, right? That would be obstruction of justice.

So will this memo actually reveal anything substantial? No one really knows yet because the actual contents have been kept top secret – Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that Trump hasn’t even read it yet, so the hype must be so real if he’s ready to put the FBI on blast with something he hasn’t even officially seen. We’ll have to wait and see how it all goes down today, but my guess is that it will look a little something like this:

…and then turn into a whole lot of this:

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